Appalachian State's Big Pile of Bullshit

The transition from an academic institution to a machine for football has been steadily happening since we, you know, did that thing. Despite how weird it is that we still collectively masturbate over beating a team once (who, last year, annihilated us in the most ill-chosen revenge match ever), we've gained a foothold, however loose, in the world of televised sports and have been making moves towards becoming an eventual powerhouse. Which would be all fine and dandy if it didn't come at the expense of the students.

Now, the dichotomy between student athlete and student non-athlete is a tale as old as universities and there is, admittedly, some wrong information out there that is often used to demonize the former. For example, for years people have bemoaned the football team for taking all of our unused meal plan money, sparking outrage at the end of every year. A couple of years ago, on this very blog, I debunked that myth.

But just because the football team isn't taking your lunch money doesn't mean that it isn't still calling you a nerd and running away with your girlfriend. In this case, your girlfriend is a shoddy metaphor for parking. In a recent email sent out by the Chancellor herself (read: her secretary), she enthusiastically described how little the university gives a shit about your over-priced parking pass on October 22 and November 5th, both Thursdays and both, ostensibly, class days.

The email goes on to lay out which lots may be used and which may not....for faculty and staff, that is. As for students, well....

Haha fuck you nerds.

That's right. Not only is the university relegating faculty and staff to limited parking (from which they must be moved by 3pm!!), they are also pretty much banning students from parking anywhere near campus, with the exception of Rivers Street until 4pm, under the guise of their "green initiative." This in and of itself stinks to high heaven and is the topic of today's Big Pile of Bullshit.

For a university that just hosted the fourth annual Appalachian Energy Summit, whose attendees included Robert Kennedy Jr., Appalachian certainly has a strange concept of energy conservation and sustainability. If banning students from parking on campus is part of a green initiative, presumably with the notion that this will reduce carbon emissions for the day, would it not be also pertinent to just, you know, ban everyone from driving that day? Why not cancel the game, close up the lots and tell everyone to sit inside for the day with the lights off? Surely this would be more in line with your "green initiative." But, of course, this does not fit Appalachian's hilariously bad narrative. The university wants to have its cake and eat it too. Maintaining the illusion that they are an institution dedicated to making the world a better place, unfortunately, is starting to butt heads with the goal of making big bucks and planting themselves on the front page of Sports Illustrated again. 

Appalachian has elected dishonesty and word games in lieu of being upfront with its students. Furthermore (and possibly worse), they have given professors a very clear message that they care about them just about as much as a few parking lots can handle, literally suggesting to them that (and I am not making this up) "...some may wish to avoid the risk of traffic congestion by leaving campus early."

Go on, get out of here. We're done listening to all your fancy school shit. We got some FOOTBALLLLLLL!! Are you fucking serious Appalachian? You're literally telling your faculty and staff to get the fuck out (albeit covertly) and make room for paying customers. This is the academic equivalent of "the customer is always right." 

Look, I understand that this is only two days out of the year, but it's indicative of a worrisome shift in importance and reveals an underlying narrative being concocted by the university to justify its own actions. Overt screwing over of its, arguably, most important asset (aka students) would be preferable to being screwed with a smile and a wink. Touting your actions as "green" is akin to turning the NBC logo green for a month out of the year and saying you helped. 

Is it really worth getting worked up over not being able to park close to campus for two days out of the year? Maybe not for me; I have an apartment parking pass so none of this really affects me in the slightest. But there are people who rely on parking as a means of getting to campus, often too far out for the bus to pick them up and certainly too far to bike. Shortsighted behavior by a university with big plans doesn't give me much hope that their ongoing game of footsies with ESPN is going to pan out and it certainly doesn't give me much hope for their relationship with the students paying thousands upon thousands to attend this school. Fear not, however, as there is a silver lining to all of this. If you are a paying member of the Yosef Club, the university has several nice lots reserved for you.

Happy Football Season, motherfuckers. 

Presidential Dinner Theater

Welcome, welcome! Please have a seat. I said TAKE A FUCKING SEAT.

Sorry, Trumping out there. Anyways, where shall we begin? Ah yes, let's start by turning off our cell phones, pagers and really any form of technology for the next year and a half. It's time for the Presidential Dinner Theater!

Every four years, our nation sits down, burns the popcorn and then bitches about this same fucking movie for an extended period of time we call the "election cycle." We see the same cast of buffoons (namely Santorum and Perry) say the same stupid shit and for some reason, we have the same gripes, as if this method has worked in the past. You get major news outlets publishing long-winded articles filled with all sorts of problems faced by one party or another. It's the same fucking drudgery every four years.

Bullshit. Bullshit never changes.

I'm not saying they aren't proper gripes. I mean by all means calling out Donald Trump and Jeb Bush for being misogynistic assholes is certainly proper; but is it worthwhile? The answer, as you may have guessed, is resoundingly: no. Because, quite frankly, the candidates, nor their affiliated parties, don't give a rat's ass what you or your cute little newspaper/Facebook status/blog think.

And, to make matters worse, the major news outlets (Fox News, CNN, etc.) also don't care what you think. If anything, they care even less. Because this is all one big fucking game and we're sitting at the losers' table in perpetuity. We are casting our ballot for entertainment politics night after night as we rage into our computers about how stupid Candidate 1 is or how out of touch Party 2 is. These people know what they're saying is bullshit, but they don't care because we eat it up. Whether we like what we taste is irrelevant so long as we chew and swallow it down.

Being politically aware is important, no doubt. If you want to sit down and spend days crunching the numbers and facts behind each and every presidential candidate (you'll be there awhile) then, by all means, go for it. This is a good way to handle the next year and a half. But if you're among the rest of us who just sit around and shout at the screen because someone said something that made you mad, you're never going to get up. You're going to sit at that screen forever, your angry spittle greasing an already well-lubed machine that lives off of your willingness to pay attention.

Stop listening to it. Stop watching it. Stop fucking caring about it. The controversy, I mean. Stop clicking on articles that start with "You'll never believe what so-and-so said!" Just fucking stop. Please, for the love of all this is holy, end the seemingly endless cycle of "mad as hell" pageantry. Every time you post something bitching about a candidate, all you are doing is giving them and whatever second-rate news outlet that published it free publicity.

The election cycle is supposed to be a chance for Americans to review candidates and find out if they're worthy of the office of the Presidency. It's supposed to be objective and it's supposed to be professional. It's not. I'm not sure if it ever was, to be entirely honest. But that doesn't stop us from complaining that it isn't. Even me.

If you care about democracy and America and all that howdy-doody shit, you'll step away from the show and form opinions based on facts instead. About both sides of the aisle. About sides that don't yet have an aisle. You'll go for a walk and think about what it means to be a leader. You'll come home and you'll do actual research and make decisions based on facts and figures.

For now, you can find the emergency exit doors to your left and right. Please use them.