Conservative Christians Shout About Stuff In Raleigh

Last Saturday, supreme being and omnipotent architect of the infinite universe, God, was invited to Raleigh, NC to be stood with by several thousand angry conservatives with Bibles and lawn chairs. It was a VIP affair attended by North Carolina's Lt. Governor Dan Forest (henceforth referred to as Lt. Dan) and God's Emissary To The Corrupt and Wicked People of The US, Mike Huckabee. I've also been told he was the former Governor of Arkansas. Huckabee, that is; not God, but hey wouldn't THAT be something?

Also in attendance were several thousand very concerned conservatives. The rally, put on by the newly formed and insanely right-wing activist group, We Stand With God, was advertised as a pro-family rally. Their goal, laid out on their website, is to provide an "outlet for citizens to express their conscience on matters of morality, Biblical marriage and religious liberties."

They also say things like:

WSWG believes that citizens must stand unified in the spirit of our Founders who chose the Bible as the litmus test for law and personal rights.

and:

WSWG will coordinate with public officials so that the voice of the people may be heard.

In short, it's a batshit insane propaganda machine. But a batshit propaganda machine with the backing of uncomfortably powerful people. Namely, Ted Cruz and Rick Perry, both of whom attended WSWG's first rally in Columbia, SC back in August. Perry, admittedly, having dropped from the presidential race is more of a blowhard caricature at this point than a political driver. But Cruz, being one of the top Republican contenders for the nomination, strikes a much more frightening tone.

Conservative hacks clinging to the Bible in an attempt to win the much sought after vote of the religious right is nothing new and this rally is a sobering reminder that the system is still going strong. Furthermore, it is a reminder of how easily manipulated the religious right really is.

Packaging your rally as "pro-family" is, much like the Patriot Act, a hard thing to say that you're outright against. For people that already believe that the "American family" is under attack by gay men with large leather dildos, a name like "pro-family" is a done deal. It confirms for them every suspicion that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh have shouted into their cars for the past eight years: that there is a liberal agenda to undermine the morality of the United States and that Socialism is just an incomplete anagram for Satan.

To these easily swayed voters, Mike Huckabee and Lt. Dan represent an honest and oppressed minority in the United States, fighting back against Big Atheism and toiling away in the proverbial garden to sow the seeds of religious freedom that have long been withering. The narrative is an easy one to spin and has been spun expertly by conservative pundits and activist groups like WSWG, using isolated incidents of "holiday parades" and taken down nativity scenes to keep up the facade that there is a war going on behind heavy wooden doors. Framed as "the liberal elite," detractors to this faux-Christian charade are discounted as pretentious schemers who are busy trying to enact their twisted, Marxian vision of America.

Applying the unwavering morality of Jesus to conservatism allows for any attack on conservative ideology to be an attack on Christ himself. And who wants to attack the guy who brought a dude back from the dead? The fact that Raleigh's rally (and, subsequently, the WSWG web page) fail to provide much in the way of specific grievances beyond the general assault of their closely-held morals is indicative of the driving power of vague platitudes. As long as you can keep people angry about the manufactured dystopian state of their country, you can count of them voting for you: the moral crusader and solution.

It's particularly disturbing to see our own state's Lieutenant Governor standing with these whackjobs. But, I guess what else can you expect from Lt. Dan, an extreme conservative who had never served political office before now. But that's a scarier story for another time.

Sorry, But Your Walk Out is Fucking Stupid

If life has taught me anything, it's that a large gathering of people with a singular opinion is inevitably bound to produce something really fucking stupid. Because when an opinion is stated by an individual, it can be discussed and modified over time to suit nuance and to remain logical. But when it is joined by hundreds of other mouths, volume trumps levelheadedness and everything goes to shit.

App State Student Power, an organization with an ostensibly sincere goal, has proposed a walk out this afternoon at 2pm. This comes in retaliation of the Chancellor's email about parking and the adverse effects it will have on students and faculty/staff alike. This is nifty keen. That email was, and still is, a crock of shit and an insult to an institution that purports to value education over, you know, footballllllllll. I even stirred the pot a little myself.

But.

BUT.

The football game is at 7:30pm. Not 2pm when this "walk out" will occur. Don't get me wrong, the idea of gathering a whole host of students and faculty and shouting about how much this whole shebang sucks and acts as an unworthy and bloated distraction from actually important shit is, decidedly, appealing to my proclivities. But the game is at 7:30. PM.

The problem isn't (just) that this little rag-tag team of protesters and angry-people will be missing their mark by five and a half hours. Nor is it (just) that they will be missing an opportunity to make a larger impact (the game will be on ESPNU). The problem (mostly) is that a walk out at 2pm implies that people will be walking out of their classes. Otherwise, what else would they be walking OUT of? This is where the "fucking stupid" element of the whole ordeal comes in to play.

If your goal is to protest athletics' dominion over education in the modern university setting (namely, ours), don't you think leaving class to go shout about football seems a little counterintuitive?

Granted, not everyone will be in class at 2pm when this walk out occurs and you'll get a lot of people just wandering in out of curiosity and a whole lot of people probably wandering in to shout back at you. But, look, I understand what you're TRYING to do. I understand the whole civil disobedience, making a statement rah-rah-rah of it all. But it's just not going to hit its mark in the way you think it is.

Mainly, because the public values flair over fact. The flair is that a bunch of students walked out of class at 2 in the afternoon to shout in a field. The flair is that students and faculty directly violated their supposed love of education by neglecting it in favor of a fun day in the sun. The flair is that football still happened in spite of all this and a movement that could have made an impact fizzled out 5 hours before the actual game.

What matters isn't what actually happened, but how people hear it happened. And people will not hear good things. My advice to you? Push your protest to 6:30. Yell outside the gates. Wave pencils and pocket protectors and your spectacles at drunk passerby. They'll hate it, but goddamit you'll seem real fucking dedicated to education. Gather a big group of students and distribute them throughout the stands. Make a scene by getting them all to stand up at the same time and walk out of the stadium. Cameras will notice, stories will be written, all because the media loves a good controversy.

But don't walk out of fucking class. Please? I am not one of the knuckle-draggers commenting on the Walk Out Facebook page who thinks that "hur dur App State football is part of our proud heritage" (Appalachian State was founded as a teaching college, fyi). I understand that this whole thing you're protesting is wrong and that you are right. But what's the point of being right if you say it badly?

Stay in school, don't watch football and for god's sake think before you join a mob.

Lincoln Chafee: America's Saddest Sap

As you may recall, several months ago I implored you not to take part in the political theater and to vote based on the facts rather than charisma (Looking at you "every major news source currently fawning over Hill-Dawg's performance last night").  I still hold to that proposition and would recommend that you take a step back and actually do some research on the four candidates (and Christmas ham with a wig that was Jim Webb) that we saw on stage last night.

This being said, can we please talk about how ridiculously unprepared, awkward and hilariously out of place Lincoln Chafee was last night? There are deer in headlights and then there is Chafee.

Chafee, for those that may not know (read: literally everyone), is a former U.S. Senator from Rhode Island and the former Governor of Rhode Island. How he won either of these candidacies is still under investigation, though I imagine it has a lot to do with running for governor in a state whose population matches that of... half of Houston. Pretty much shoe-horned into his governorship because his daddy had held the seat 40 years prior, Chafee was seen as a fairly run-of-the-mill dude. Never much for charisma, there is very little to be found combing the internet about his time in the chair.

But that's fine. If all we were going for was bombastic politics and quotability, we'd be better suited just giving Donald Trump the keys to the White House and diving into the Atlantic. The main problem with Chafee is not his complete lack of likability, charm or wit: It's the fact that he has no idea what he believes or thinks.

Last night's biggest gaffe came when debate moderator and eyewear model, Anderson Cooper, asked Chafee about his decision to repeal Glass-Steagall, the very famous and well-lauded act that regulated big banks. Chafee, obviously taken aback and somehow not expecting this, shot back with something about his dad being dead and the fact that he was new to congress. When pressed further, he whined that Cooper was being "a little rough." 

Um...

Look, is a decision Chafee made over a decade ago entirely relevant to his current candidacy for president, ESPECIALLY considering Most Popular Girl in School Clinton's history with flipping on the issues? Well, kinda. But still, is it really the most important thing that could be addressed on stage? Not at all. However. HOW. EVER. Responding to a question about a major lawmaking decision (that, arguably, cleared a path for the largest banking and housing crisis our country has ever seen) with "Hey, I was new!" is the worst possible fucking way you could answer said question.

This just supports the idea that Chafee has very little confidence in himself as a politician and, certainly, as a leader. His entire political career has been one giant revolving door of political parties, going from Republican to Independent and, finally, to Democrat during his tenure as governor. When asked about this last night, Chafee experienced his proudest moment as he gleefully exclaimed that he had not changed on the issues. But this isn't surprising for a man who clearly didn't feel much on the issues in the first place.

Chafee's campaign is a sham. His biggest and most name-brand supporter (via his website) is Senator Robert Byrd, a man who died five years ago. He is LITERALLY polling at 0%. No one wants this man to be president, probably not even Chafee at this point.

No, the sad truth of the matter is this: Chafee, Jim Webb and Martin "Monotone" O'Malley are all dead ringers so that no one notices Clinton is running unopposed. Bernie was supposed to be one of these sideline shows but he gained startling support and momentum from the Internet and a quickly growing fed-up-with-bullshit population. But the Democrats, probably since she lost the nomination back in '08 to Obama, have been grooming Hillary to be the perfect Presidential machine, playing up her storied political history and womanhood. Chafee is just a step in the ladder of bozos Hillary is using to finally get into the White House.

Alas, Chafee, we will probably see you drop out of the race here within the next month (we suggest within the next 24 hours). Your most interesting quality is that you once did cocaine "several times" in college. But even Bush beat you to that punchline. I guess it's just time to hang up your goofy ties, hand in your sweat-laced microphone and make way for someone who has an actual dog in this fight.

(#FeelTheBern)

Why The Fuck Are We Still Saying "Redskins?"

Happy Columbus Day! Today, we take time to remember our whitewashed version of the "discovery of America" and celebrate a man who systematically enslaved and slaughtered the indigenous peoples of a land he, ostensibly, thought was fucking Asia.

Much too late, we are beginning to realize that "oh yeah, that guy sucks" and are slowly (very, very slowly) transferring attention and praise away from this murderous psychopath and back towards the people who, you know, lived here for tens of thousands of years before we showed up. But as much as we'd LIKE to give them the recognition they deserve, we're far more content "honoring" them through racial stereotypes and epithets. Namely, through using the term "redskins."

Indeed, we are still using this fucking term, despite the fact that it is 2015 and that the word literally means "Native American scalp." This is the equivalent of naming a team "Beheaded American Journalists" and shrugging when people ask what the hell is wrong with us.

And that's exactly what Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder is doing. Although he is taking it a step farther and outright defending his offensive bullshit as "heritage." (Where have I heard that argument before....I'm sure it'll come to me eventually.) In a letter penned in 2013, Snyder defended the name, citing that "we cannot ignore our 81-year history." Eighty one whole years! How could any opposing group ever top a number as high as that?

Snyder and his fans (read: racist mob) go on to bemoan their hurt feelings and how offended they feel to be called racists. Because god knows it's the accused racists that deserve the benefit of the doubt. Snyder's position is, quite obviously, stupid and despite his citation that "most Native Americans" don't find the name offensive (a study conducted in 2004, by the way), it still desperately needs to be struck from our national lexicon.

California has done just that. Yesterday, in an overwhelming majority decision, the California State Assembly passed a law banning the use of the term "redskins" as a mascot name. Cool! Awesome! We are progressing, right?

Tulare Union Principal Michelle Nunley says she brought the letter when she went to Sacramento with some students to lobby against the bill. 

“People feel very passionate about it, and the fact that we’re all Redskins,” says Nunley. “We don’t want to lose that opportunity to remain Redskins here at Tulare Union.”

Oh, for fuck's sake. Yes, because the world spins on axis made entirely of fecal matter dribbling from the mouths of a million racist morons, someone in a position of authority and power has a fucking problem with this entirely reasonable and long-due decision. Tulare High School cites heritage as well as the high cost of renovation as their reason to sticking to their feather headdress-adorned guns. Native Americans cite thousands of years and the complete decimation of their population due to disease, war and displacement as their reason. Who's to say who has more of a leg to stand on?

Look, it's great that California is dragging its population, kicking and screaming, into a world where we don't go around using racially offensive terms. But it is very little, very late. For starters, this is the only state in the union to do so as of yet. (It is still legal in 49 states to dance around in fake Native American attire and call yourself a redskin.) Furthermore, and far more offensive, we still treat Native Americans like absolute shit. 28.2% of Native Americans live under the poverty line, many of which are living in overcrowded housing with insufficient access to healthcare (Native American lifespans trail the average by about 5 years) and jobs.

The native people of this land are still feeling the shockwaves of the absolutely horrifying shit our country's forefathers inflicted on them for hundreds of years, yet we're worried that a few thousand drunk sports fans that can't bear the thought of having to throw out all their racist memorabilia and learn to chant a different name at football games might have their feelings hurt? Not to mention, we're still celebrating murderous psychopaths via holidays and currency.

There is a startlingly wide gap in our national mindset concerning the native populations that causes this issue to pass by us daily without so much as a glance in its direction. The fact that a national sports team (in our nation's capital no less) can preserve its highly offensive name with very little consequence thus far shows just how unwilling we are to address this problem. This is due to a mixture of misconception and conscious apathy.

In short, stop being an ignorant asshole and change the goddamn name already.