25 Things to Do Instead of Reading Lists Containing Premarital Goals

Much to my ever-present chagrin, a recent trend has come into existence in which bloggers give life advice to twenty-somethings (a recent moniker adopted by fart sniffing millennials) in the form of lists. These lists are frequently stupid. The most recent theme of these inane scribblings is marriage and why you should wait at least 4 more years before you do it! (So you can fill the time with more lists) Specifically, one blogger took it upon herself to respond to one terrible list with ramblings of her own. In her defense the original article was, indeed, worthy of revision. But her list wasn't exactly a goldmine of epiphany-inducing advice either.

For one, her first bit of guidance was that you should "Get lost in a city where you don't speak the language" accompanied by a picture of two girls cheesing for the camera and looking at a map. (Get an iPhone, you philistines!) Not only is this something that you are certainly capable of doing after getting married (with the added benefit of a partner who will most likely refuse to take directions anyways), but it's terrible advice. I'm assuming this list is for young women more than it's for young men. Telling young women to wander into a foreign country without learning the language is obnoxious, stupid, and quite possibly deadly. Hell, you might as well give them t-shirts that say "Stupid Fucking Americans Looking to Be Sold Into Sex Slavery" and save them the trouble. 

"We're 30 seconds away from being the subject of a 60 Minutes segment!"

To be fair, there are some great tips on the list. I was particularly fond of "2. Read at least 3 NY Times articles every week" and "10. Learn a new language," (in order to avoid the above debacle) though I found "7. Read a classical fiction novel" and "12. Read the Bible in a year" to be a bit redundant. (I KID, I KID!)  

Look, the point is that you shouldn't spend your twenties doing shit that other people tell you to do, and you certainly shouldn't spend that time reading fucking lists on the internet written by people who think that Girls is a quality show. Just do SOMETHING that you enjoy. Not because it's necessary before marriage and not because Buzzfeed told you it's the hip new thing. But because it's cool and it makes you feel good. Just stop reading goddamn lists about it. 

But before you stop, read mine first. Find inspiration in it, but don't feel obligated to become bound by it. Without further ado, 25 Things to Do Instead of Reading Lists On the Internet:

1. Read hand-written lists. 

2. Learn braille and feel lists. 

3. Start a list of your own and never share it. 

4. Read whatever you damn well please, regardless of its status as a piece of classic literature.

5. Live in a shithole during college.

6. Save for a nice place after college.

7. Expand your repertoire of music. 

8. Instagram that which only you can Instagram; see the rest through your own fuckin' eyes.

9. Read The Daily Wit and then go outside. (But only after this "polar vortex" has blown over)

10. Don't feel obligated to accept everyone's beliefs. Call out shit that's stupid. 

11. Buy a physical album.

12. Clean out your car, wallet/purse, and desk...NOW!

13. Watch House of Cards.

14. Re-watch House of Cards and bask in Spacey's brilliance.

15. Learn an instrument besides guitar....please.

16. Move away from home. Far away.

17. Call your mother....NOW!

18. Don't buy an animal until you're financially independent. 

19. Volunteer at an animal shelter and swim through a sea of puppies.

20. Follow through on a dream that you've always had. 

21. Tell vague advice to fuck off. 

22. Learn a new drinking song with your friends and sing it obnoxiously at bars.

23. Visit a place where you can't see the stars and visit a place where you can only see the stars.

24. Maintain a good credit score, look into a Roth IRA, clean up/beef up your resume, and strive for financial stability so that you can do all that silly shit on other lists. 

25. Make this the last list you read for a very long time.

Thanks for reading and be sure to share with your friends!