Are Affairs Good For You?

No, no they're not. Even asking this question ought to be met with a knee jerk reaction to, well, knee someone in the crotch. And yet it would seem that the question arises anyways, albeit sneakily and in the guise of scientific and philosophical inquiry. I am, of course, referencing a recent Slate article titled "Why We Cheat" with the nauseatingly stupid subhead "Spouses in happy marriages have affairs. What are we all looking for?"

In the article, Esther Perel (a European quack that the New York Times dug up and started referring to as the "sexual healer") posits that affairs and cheating may not be indicative of an unhappy marriage or a negative relationship with one's spouse. This is, of course, evidence derived from asking her unfortunate patients whether or not they are happy in their marriage.

These days, Perel accepts only patients who are involved in affairs, and the vast majority of them, she says, are “content” in their marriages. In fact in surveys that ask adulterers whether they want to leave their marriages, the majority say no.

 Well SHIT! If a survey said so, it must be true! The fact that Perel bases the majority of her reasoning on the assumption that her patients are telling the truth is only the first of many red flags. Ignoring that the foundation of her logic might as well be made of Lincoln Logs, she continues on her nonsensical path from A to 5.

I can tell you right away the most important sentence in the book, because I’ve lectured all over the world and this is the thing I say that turns heads most often: Very often we don’t go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.

Completely ignoring the very obvious fact that Perel is far more interested in hawking her book than actually helping your marriage, let's examine this tidbit "We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self." This load of tripe is, despite Perel's protestations that she is not justifying cheating, a stupid justification to cheat. It's the old "It's not you, it's me" bullshit that allows one to assuage his or her conscience by blaming some inner or biological need to go smash our genitals on other people.

"Don't be mad, darling. It's science!"

This roundabout and convoluted attempt to justify infidelity reads more like a guilt-ridden narcissist that has trouble accepting that just because you can reason it out doesn't make it morally sound. Sure, you can blather on about the function of human beings as mere sperm or egg carriers, prepared to propagate the species until our junk no longer pumps. But just like we got past shitting in the woods and then covering it up to hide it from predators, we should be past the point where we need to hump every leg in sight because our biological urges tell us to.

Perel wants you to believe that monogamy is passé and that the newest trend to jump on board with should be open relationships. And that's cool if you're down with it. You can have a concubine of 300 virgins for all I care, as long as all parties consent and seem emotionally sound. But in trying to blame some deeper reason behind why people cheat on their wives or husbands, Perel is, whether consciously or not, giving the thumbs up to scumbags around the world to leave their mundane suburban lives and fuck hookers in Vegas until they bleed cocaine. In essence, it removes the blame of the individual and offers up a scapegoat of science and modernity. 

Perel argues that we don't have affairs because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier. This is, of course, assuming that a constant search for pleasure and gratification is some right deserved to us as humans. Who the hell told you that you were supposed to be happy all the time? For sure, pleasure and contentment are worthy goals, but to actively seek a lifestyle of perpetual mania is an absurd and, quite frankly, terrifying dream. There is no universal right that you have to seek your "favorite thing." The idea that everyone is completely within their right to leave their home in search of personal happiness is an affront to the very idea of a family. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule. If you are in an abusive home, by all means, seek a way out. If you have just discovered that you are either gay or straight and are in the wrong relationship merely for appearances sake, you have every right to peace out. 

But if you just think that you might find some deeper, more intellectually stimulating side of you out there among the greener grass, then sit down, have a talk with your significant other, and fucking fix it. Don't twiddle your thumbs and try to come up with ways in which you can both have your cake and eat it too. Contrary to popular belief, the universe does not spin on an axis around you and it does not offer up solutions to moral quandaries in the shape of Belgian pseudo-scientists like Esther Perel. 

Every relationship and marriage certainly is rife with problems. It's sort of comes with the territory. But shying away from problems and whining that your life could be infinitely more interesting if you were with THAT person is only a temporary solution to the problem that's crux lies within you. Instead of advocating for shifting the entire definition of your marriage why don't you, I don't know, communicate with your wife or husband? It'll be a helluva lot easier and cheaper than renting out the Motel 6.