What I've Learned From 2048

By now, I imagine you've heard of the highly addictive game, 2048. A relatively simple game, the object is to combine tiles until you reach 2048, as the name of the game suggests. Created in March 2014 by an Italian web developer, 2048 is without a doubt the worst thing that the Italians have inflicted on us since Jersey Shore. While the objective may be simple, the process by which one reaches it is decidedly not.

The popularity of 2048 skyrocketed when bored college students trying to avoid exams started downloading the free app to their phones. Much to the delight of many, the game takes little brain power to play. Winning is another thing entirely. Winning is akin to shooting a basketball into a hoop at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Except you don't get it the first time and you have to run all the way to the goddamn bottom to retrieve the ball every time you screw up. But you try again because all your other friends have made the fucking shot and THEY made sure Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and the fucking President of the United States knew about it. So now YOU'RE the asshole that can't drain a shot from the fucking rim of the Grand goddamn Canyon and everyone knows and they're LAUGHING AT YOU!

This game is a nightmare. It is a desolate pit of numbers that serves as a nagging reminder that math was never your strong suit and that there may be a pattern but you're just too stupid to figure it out. Every time you move a tile, one that you don't need pops up in a spot that it shouldn't be in and all you want to do is become Tron so that you can jump into your phone and kick that "4" tile's ass. Beyond mere number abuse, it's tempting to shove your phone into the nearest toaster based on the suspicion that this may just be a very elaborate ruse to turn you into a goddamn drooling moron, incapable of seeing anything but numbers that turn into bigger numbers.

But I'll never give into the temptation. I fear that this may be my life now; a life relegated to sliding goddamn blocks around until a shining number 2048 releases me from my technological slavery like a house elf receiving a fucking sock. I am beholden to this game until I find a way to combine those two precious 1024's but I'm afraid that such a task may be impossible. Maybe it is all a lie and no one has ever truly won. Maybe I am the only being left in existence and all those around me are merely phantoms of my subconscious. If I do not return from the depths of my mind, I want you to know the culprit. Despair thy name is 2048.

GAHHHH FUCK I ALMOST WON AGAIN