Look, I get it. You've been teaching snot-nosed kids since Nixon flew away and, as far as you're concerned, technology is just the newest fad in a long line of trends that include bell-bottom pants and green ketchup. But us college students aren't nearly as wise and learned as you, oh great bearer of outdated textbooks. We rely heavily on this clunky little item that the kids are now calling a MacBook. (Book? Books have paper, goddamit!) When we need to communicate, we lazily string a few misspelled words together and send it into the ether, typically from the toilet. So when you want to reach us, it seems pertinent that you might, I don't know, utilize the technology most readily available to us.
In other words.....
USE YOUR FUCKING EMAIL.
People used to have to pay for this shit. Now you get a free university assigned one. Hell, you get your own section of a website just to put whatever the hell you goddamn please. If you wanted to fill it with pictures of your ex-wife photoshopped into scenes from Gravity, you could easily fucking do it. Just as long as you have SOME sort of online presence. It makes us millennials uncomfortable when there's radio silence from you over the interwebs. It's like seeing a guy dressed in a zoot suit jiving his way down the sidewalk.
This in mind, when you want to cancel class, just shoot us an email. We check it religiously, I assure you. You don't even have to say more than one word. You could even make a fun time of it by turning the whole thing into a meme! Literally any of those options is better than forcing us to wake up, get ready, walk 15 minutes in the dreary morning air just to find out that you've wrangled some poor colleague of yours into putting a PRINTED sign on the door to inform us that there will be no class today.
JUST USE YOUR FUCKING EMAIL.
Do you think Paul Revere, had he been given the option, would have chosen to ride miles shouting his fucking lungs out about the impending coming of British? No. Motherfucker would have just sent an email. "Lol, limey bastards up in here"
And don't you think that Juliet MIGHT have shot Romeo a text letting him in on the fact that she wasn't actually dead but just fakin' it?
Technology isn't an evil sun god trying to force you into sacrificing your first-born. It's a lovely tool that literally makes all forms of communication easier. So, please, next time you get the sniffles and decide that you can't make it into class, just follow this one simple step:
USE. YOUR. FUCKING. EMAIL.
limey bastard up in here ^
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