Chattanooga thinks it's better than Boone. It may be right. I don't know; I've never been to Chattanooga because, well, it's Chattanooga. Aside from a name that sounds like phlegm discharge, it is also the birthplace of the tow truck. You can't make this shit up.
Why is Chattanooga being pitted against Boone? Why, for the Outside contest for America's Best Town, of course! Each year, cities from across the nation are, in March Madness fashion, voted on and eliminated, revealing the crowd-chosen best city ever. This year, we have made it to the final eight.
After a scathing article was written about Boone in the Chattanooga Times Free Press, a newspaper that evidently chose its name by letting its interns pick their four favorite words, I've decided to give Boone the defense it needs, albeit probably doesn't deserve.
The writer of the article does not care about some stinkin' online vote and dedicates a fairly long page on the subject to prove it. Slipping in that Chattanooga has won before (in 2011) he claims that "to think that Boone would deserve to beat us is staggeringly simplistic."
Staggeringly simplistic! What words. There's a lot of other words too in which the writer blows really inane and boring smoke up his own ass to convince his reader(s?) that Chattanooga is the coolest thing since....whatever people in Chattanooga think is cool. Cycling? Waiting for a new fast food place to open? Looking up real estate in any other state but Tennessee?
He makes some sick cultural references that would make your grandmother nod in understanding and signs off with a few pictures of Chattanooga evidently taken with a Motorola Razr.
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| Chattanooga: Now in 360p! |
I knew next to nothing about Chattanooga and, after reading that article, I now know whatever is next to next to nothing. I learned that there are some events held in the city and the writer really likes them, but beyond that, I only learned that at least one of its citizens is an asshole.
Look, love your city all you want. I'm sure it's a lot of fun to live that close to Alabama. But don't fuckin' come on here and talk shit about Boone because we might win some popularity contest that you won once. We need the credentials. We're a growing city with a real university and we're looking to attract people beyond the typical fare of retired Floridians.
So vote, people who think that Boone is at least less terrible than Chattanooga. Vote to put an end to smug prickery that comes in the form of local newspaper writers with too many opinions and too little talent. If you need a push, here are ten fun facts about Boone:
1. We are right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway.
2. We are host to Appalachian State University, one of the premier public universities in the state of NC.
3. We are not in Tennessee.
4. The leaf changing in autumn is one of the most beautiful natural occurrences in the nation, attracting thousands to the area.
6. Aside from the local government, we are fairly progressive.
7. There are like....no bears in the city limits. (at least not to my knowledge)
8. Violent crime is pretty rare.
9. We have Comeback Shack?
10. We have a population of around 17,000, roughly one tenth the size of Chattanooga. This means a city a fraction of your size is giving you a run for your money (prompting more than one article in your local newspaper) and I think that's hilarious.
No matter who wins, you lose. Suck it.
