Who Will Think Of The Men?

Who will think of the men? The poor, downtrodden man who hath lost his reason to live. Who will think of the manly man. The guy's guy. The DUDE. Who will consider his world, slowly slipping through his heavily calloused fingertips and falling into the dirt where it is being used to fertilize the pansy-laced garden of our modern progressive age? Who will help these masculine men? Cast out by society and made to watch as their delicate, wood-smoked world is dismantled piece by piece to fashion an IKEA bassinet and brunch.

Woe is the man who can no longer be a man. Castrated, silenced and broken, the man must now sit by the sidelines of a football game where the players can no longer call each other racially offensive terms. Since when did teammates stop getting to be teammates?

Pity the man who has watched idly by as words like "faggot" and "pussy" have been struck from his lexicon, replaced with words like "person" and "frightened person." Their dictionaries, stripped of gusto and machismo, now languish in a world that forces men to read them. Where have the days of brevity gone?

Bros, Romans, countryMEN, our world of male dominated pronouns has come crashing down around our ears, forcing us to moderately adjust our speech patterns to deal with it. It is a bitter, cruel world that would allow such a shift. The world as we know it is coming to an end and all we can do is stare silently into the abyss for tears might wash the dirt from our working man's cheeks.

And chivalry! Oh, chivalry. Alas, we knew you. To where shall we turn for our social cues regarding those of the fairer sex? How shall we proceed in coital endeavors? Who will open the door? All these questions and more are now sawdust in the wind, lost to a world where manners and social decorum are no longer gauged by gender.

Masculinity, we lay you to rest in a hole free from frills, dug with our own hands and filled with about two inches of shitty beer. We lower you into the ground to the tune of AC/DC's "Back in Black" and say our goodbyes with straight faces and taut jawlines. Finally, we send you out with a 21-gun salute, aimed at a sky filled with fluffy clouds and smiling baby suns, products of our recently feminized world.

Men, how we shall miss you. Boots replaced by Toms. Shirts replaced by blouses. Deteriorating vision replaced by glasses. I just don't understand this new world. Why can't it accept our mindset? Why can't things stay the way they were? Why can't men just be men?