Boone vs Chattanooga: Rumble in the Outside

Chattanooga thinks it's better than Boone. It may be right. I don't know; I've never been to Chattanooga because, well, it's Chattanooga. Aside from a name that sounds like phlegm discharge, it is also the birthplace of the tow truck. You can't make this shit up.

Why is Chattanooga being pitted against Boone? Why, for the Outside contest for America's Best Town, of course! Each year, cities from across the nation are, in March Madness fashion, voted on and eliminated, revealing the crowd-chosen best city ever. This year, we have made it to the final eight.

After a scathing article was written about Boone in the Chattanooga Times Free Press, a newspaper that evidently chose its name by letting its interns pick their four favorite words, I've decided to give Boone the defense it needs, albeit probably doesn't deserve.

The writer of the article does not care about some stinkin' online vote and dedicates a fairly long page on the subject to prove it. Slipping in that Chattanooga has won before (in 2011) he claims that "to think that Boone would deserve to beat us is staggeringly simplistic."

Staggeringly simplistic! What words. There's a lot of other words too in which the writer blows really inane and boring smoke up his own ass to convince his reader(s?) that Chattanooga is the coolest thing since....whatever people in Chattanooga think is cool. Cycling? Waiting for a new fast food place to open? Looking up real estate in any other state but Tennessee?

He makes some sick cultural references that would make your grandmother nod in understanding and signs off with a few pictures of Chattanooga evidently taken with a Motorola Razr.

Chattanooga: Now in 360p!

I knew next to nothing about Chattanooga and, after reading that article, I now know whatever is next to next to nothing. I learned that there are some events held in the city and the writer really likes them, but beyond that, I only learned that at least one of its citizens is an asshole. 

Look, love your city all you want. I'm sure it's a lot of fun to live that close to Alabama. But don't fuckin' come on here and talk shit about Boone because we might win some popularity contest that you won once. We need the credentials. We're a growing city with a real university and we're looking to attract people beyond the typical fare of retired Floridians. 

So vote, people who think that Boone is at least less terrible than Chattanooga. Vote to put an end to smug prickery that comes in the form of local newspaper writers with too many opinions and too little talent. If you need a push, here are ten fun facts about Boone: 

1. We are right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway.

2. We are host to Appalachian State University, one of the premier public universities in the state of NC. 

3. We are not in Tennessee. 

4. The leaf changing in autumn is one of the most beautiful natural occurrences in the nation, attracting thousands to the area. 

5. Obama once drove through and grabbed some candy. 

6. Aside from the local government, we are fairly progressive. 

7. There are like....no bears in the city limits. (at least not to my knowledge)

8. Violent crime is pretty rare. 

9. We have Comeback Shack? 

10. We have a population of around 17,000, roughly one tenth the size of Chattanooga. This means a city a fraction of your size is giving you a run for your money (prompting more than one article in your local newspaper) and I think that's hilarious. 

No matter who wins, you lose. Suck it.

Mitt Romney Boxed Last Night, So There's That

I haven't blogged in almost two months now. It hasn't been due to a lack of content to choose from, that's for sure. What with the riots in Baltimore, social justice debates on campus and the rise of Bernie Sanders, I've had every opportunity to join the dialogue and give my opinions on things. And, although giving opinions on things is a favorite past time of mine, I just haven't felt up to it recently.

My friends, this is about to change. Because last night, Mitt Romney (yes, that one) stepped into the boxing ring and fought former five-time heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield (yes....that one). It happened. This is real. This is not a joke, an Onion article nor an elaborate conspiracy.

Mitt motherfuckin' Romney went toe to toe with a professional boxer and......predictably got his ass beat. He did all of this whilst his wife cheered ringside, donned in an uncharacteristically slouchy peasant hoodie and a nonchalantly askew Batman cap.  I'm not even fucking kidding.

Loved being part of Mitt's posse tonight. #CVfightnight pic.twitter.com/gBc89JFObV

— Ann Romney (@AnnDRomney) May 16, 2015

Why was Mitt two-time-Presidential-hopeful-and-one-time-Republican-nominee-slash-loser Romney boxing last night, you ask? Evidently, it was part of a charity event that raises money for a nonprofit aimed at helping "doctors perform surgeries for the blind in developing countries."

But why did he REALLY step into the ring? Methinks it was to prove to the world that he's not a cardboard cutout of a man, completely distant from the average American. He's one of the guys. The DUDES. He can fight with the best of 'em and he's got the (very held back) ass-whooping to prove it. Goddamit, he may not be able to win the White House. He may not even be able to win a fight. But sure as shit, Mitt's gonna win your heart.

Never change, Mr. Romney. Never change.

White Privilege Upsets White Privileged

Photo: Luke Weir, The Appalachian

There are a lot of difficult things in the world. Deep sea fishing, Mandarin Chinese, saying the alphabet backwards. I couldn't do any of those things without royally fucking up several seconds in. Luckily for me, I'm not expected to do much. I'm white, male, heterosexual and, to my knowledge, have fully functioning limbs. One of my very few duties in life is accepting that I have it easy. Unfortunately, the myriad others like me do not always share this sentiment.

Recently, in an attempt to humorously educate his residents, Reggie Gravely, a resident assistant in East Hall at Appalachian State, put up a bulletin board highlighting the different types of privilege and urging his residents to "check [their] privilege." Seems reasonable enough. You don't even have to put on underwear! But white people are prickly and sensitive after years of rubbing money on themselves in the bathtub and offense was taken.

Sparking the ire of a couple of East Hall's residents, the board had its picture taken and sent in to Campus Reform. To briefly clarify, the only people who know what Campus Reform is are people with "Ted Cruz 2016" posters and Campus Reform writers. The website, hilariously and incorrectly labeled as "the #1 Source for College News" is actually a product of The Leadership Institute, a Conservative activism group.

Campus Reform, who took a predictable "this board is offensive to white heterosexual men" stance, also likes cultural insensitivity, does not like undocumented immigrants, and apparently has no fucking clue what privilege is, but hates it all the same. In its article about the bulletin board, it frames the narrative in a way that pits the board against the free expression of ideas and opinions.

According to Mike Herbert, a sophomore communication major who lives on the hall, coming back to school after Spring Break to see the bulletin board only added to the already contentious relationship between students on the hall and the RA, who took over only a few months prior.

“It was like a slap in the face,” Herbert told Campus Reform in an exclusive phone interview Monday afternoon. “Although a lot of us have similar views as he does, we feel like it’s a giant middle finger to us.”

(Bolding mine)

"Exclusive phone interview." EXCLUSIVE. PHONE. INTERVIEW. I digress.

Campus Reform and their ilk would have people believe that any challenge to the status quo of white privilege (or any kind of privilege for that matter) is an attack on American ideals and some crazy new form of racism that the kids are trying out these days. They don't like to acknowledge that particular members of society have it better than others because it detracts from an idea that their culture is the only true American culture. To acquiesce to the idea that being born a particular way comes with its own set of privileges and lifestyle butts heads with the Reagan-esque notion that anyone can work their way to the top in the United States, regardless of race, class or creed. Its precisely this drivel that fills young conservatives' heads with delusions of a fair playing field and thus, justifies their refusal to check their privilege.

And that's precisely what it has become: stubborn refusal. In an article by The Appalachian, it was reported that students gathered to discuss the board in a hall meeting. The opposing opinions were, predictably, stupid:

“Talking about a controversial topic [like privilege] should be voluntary, it shouldn’t be brought to your front door,” said Matthew Desantis, second floor resident and freshman accounting major. “Of course certain groups of people have privilege, but the presentation is what bothers me.”

Another second floor resident, senior history major Michael Hebert, said he did not think the board achieved its goal of being educational.

“The content of the board is not inclusive, which is what an RA should be,” he said. “I have a hard time believing that I should learn at [3 a.m.] on my way to the bathroom."

God forbid you should acknowledge that you do still, in fact, have it easy on your way to your 3am piss. It's literally a board that states "you're better off than most people!" and this still somehow manages to piss people off.

Bitching about privilege because you're just not in the mood to think or talk about it is, essentially, the point that the board is trying to get at. You have the privilege to put off inconvenient things or to not engage in them at all. That you can avoid the concept of your own privilege at all is an incredibly privileged thing. Sure, the board comes off a little snarky and perhaps even a little holier-than-thou, but the message is an important one regardless. And, no, it shouldn't be fucking voluntary. How would that even fucking work? "Hi, thank you for calling the privilege hotline. How may we explain how great you have it today?"

As Mr. Herbert, above, points out in both articles, he agrees with the sentiment but not with the way it is introduced. I answer back: Alright; do it better. Make every resident in East Hall aware of their privilege and convince them to merely acknowledge that it exists. If you can manage that, then you will have accomplished something beautiful.

But as for right now, you're just bitching up the wrong tree.

Please Don't Attend the Circus

It's no secret that Appalachian has a PR problem. With everything from diversity issues to less-than-effective counseling programs rearing their ugly heads, one would think that the university might be keen on treading carefully. One would be wrong, though. In a remarkably gauche move, the university has decided to host the Garden Bros. Circus for an afternoon of high-flying animal abuse!

The moral outrage aside for a moment, look at that fucking show time: 1:30 pm to 4:30 pm? What sort of sadomasochism do they think we're engaged in up here on the mountain that they think we would ever want to sit through three full goddamn hours of a fucking circus? I digress, however.

Circuses are, in case you are still living in the 1950's, generally awful. With countless organizations advocating for their abolition, citing the awful abuse undergone by animals, it's a wonder that people still file into giant, humid rooms and subject themselves to the dull and sadistic spectacle that is a circus. Most notorious for its rampant depravity is the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. Once mostly known for animal crackers in nifty packaging, they've come to be associated with allegations of horrible abuse of their animals.

Granted, Appalachian has not invited the Ringling Brothers to its campus (though I imagine that might be more of a financial decision than one based in moral outrage). Indeed, it has invited the Garden Bros, an organization that yields very little on Google beyond petitions calling for a boycott of their performance. Admittedly, I know absolutely nothing about this traveling troupe and I am being a bit preemptory in my condemnation of their show. It's not necessarily the Garden Bros. as an individual organization that I am taking moral umbrage with. Rather, it's the circus institution as a whole that sparks my ire.

The concept of a circus rubs me the wrong way in the same vein as "polite" racist comments made by old southern ladies. It keeps itself alive on the basis of tradition, waving away the harmful aspects and moral outrage with an aging hand. Circuses are as outdated as gladiatorial combat, harkening us back to a time when people gathered to receive entertainment at the expense of life. Am I being hyperbolic? Perhaps, but I find the lives and well-being of innocent and confused animals far more important than the reputation of an organization that profits off of abuse.

Here's what I do know: These animals have no fucking clue what's going on. They don't know why, every night, they are subjected to bright lights and loud noises. They are scared out of their goddamn minds because they are, essentially, still wild animals that were plucked from their native lands and forced to run around in circles or face the whip. I cannot express how angry it makes me that a university I pay to attend has decided to allocate its money towards further legitimizing of this sort of behavior.

Please, if you will be in town this Sunday (and I understand many won't be, including myself) take part in the picket protest that will take place on King Street. Will this stop the circus? Probably not. But it will keep the conversation of animal abuse alive which in an important development in the fight against it. Let's work towards making this world a better place to live in for the literally 99% of its inhabitants that aren't shithead humans.

Young Life Pulls Racist BS

Christian youth cult and frequent wearer of hilarious Christ-themed t-shirts, Young Life, found themselves in hot water yesterday when they decided to throw an ill-advised theme party sensitively referred to as "Thug Life." The event, documented on social media, drew the ire of many Appalachian State students, inciting the incredibly appropriate question: "What the fuck is THIS racist bullshit?"

To make matters worse, the event was held in the Plemmons Student Union so that the overwhelmingly white (I assume; probably correctly) group of young Christians could be racially insensitive en masse and in plain sight of as many of their fellow students as possible. Here are just a couple pictures from the event (courtesy of student, Matthew Splawn)

       

There is nothing wrong with your computer screen. Do not call tech support. Those are, in fact,  groups of white folks dressed in stereotypical "thug" garb. Now, the first argument that I imagine many a racially insensitive white fellow jumps to is "white people can be thugs too; why is this a racial thing?" Indeed, if you look closely at one of the above pictures (the right-most Instagram screenshot) you will note that the quote used is associated with (white) rapper and known awful human being, Riff Raff. Now, the inherent racism of Riff Raff's act aside, allow me to dissuade further racist stupidity from trying to utilize this classic non-argument: Cultural appropriation is the nifty practice in which people in a position of power adopt elements (usually clothing) of another, less powerful cultural and use them for their own aesthetic gain rather than for their original purpose. (See: Every fucking Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Native American headdress ever)

The portrayal above is a great example of cultural appropriation of black culture. While, yes, it is true that the type of clothing worn above is not exclusive to the black community, it is most commonly associated with (and I imagine can date its origins back to) lower income black communities, usually in inner cities. And if the kid throwing up a gang sign in the left-most picture isn't enough of an indication that this "black aesthetic" was EXACTLY what they were going for, I don't know what is.

I don't honestly think that the members of Young Life meant anything harmful in their racist interpretation, but intent is only half the shitheadedness of an action. Being ignorant of cultures, especially in this day in age, is becoming rapidly less acceptable. Especially if your ignorance leads to public, borderline minstrel shows such as the idiocy displayed above. That being said, the organization has issued an apology (albeit a half-assed one) on their Facebook page.

Unfortunately, this is too little. We are no longer in a world where shrugging and offering an apology between eye-rolls is acceptable. I suggest you reach out to the black community via the Multicultural Center or another similar organization and put that Christian goodwill to use, perhaps offering service for an event?

We know you want to be good deep down, Young Life. We just wish you could be more tactful in your actions. Stop doing racist shit, mkay?

Why It Matters That They Were Muslim

At around 5pm on Tuesday, three Muslim students were executed by 46-year old Craig Hicks. Hicks later turned himself in and was charged with first degree murder. The reason for his horrendous crime? A parking dispute, according to Chapel Hill police. Why is it, then, that #MuslimLivesMatter is trending all over the internet? Why is it sparking the ire of Muslim academics and being defined as a hate crime? If the issue is over domestic neighborly troubles, why on earth is there so much religious and anti-religious rhetoric being tossed around?

The easy (and short) answer is that the parking story is a crock of shit cooked up to avoid an unpleasant conversation and media coverage. I'm sure there were some parking disputes, as is wont to happen when several people live in close proximity and are all relegated to using shitty apartment parking. And I am sure (thought slightly less so) that Hicks might not have murdered Deah Shaddy Barakat, his wife Yusor Mohammed, and her sister, Razan Mohammed Abu-Salha had there not been some sort of trigger to set him off. Clearly the man is deranged, unable to contain his temper and prone to horribly violent actions. But a violent personality does not a triple homicide necessarily make.

At this point, I would like to delve deep into conjecture. I understand that this runs counter to the oft-touted mission of this blog to be as truthful and fact-based as possible, but in the case of one man's excuse for murdering his three Muslim neighbors, conjecture is necessary to draw out the underlying intentions, however unspoken they may be. What makes me confident in my accusations (not entirely baseless) is Hicks's social media history, a veritable hive of anti-religious rhetoric, according to CNN:

"When it comes to insults, your religion started this, not me. If your religion kept its big mouth shut, so would I."

With the Charlie Hebdo massacre still fresh in everyone's mind, it's not hard to imagine that those already inclined toward hatred and intolerance might find themselves even more prone to commit violence towards a religion they believe to be inherently wrong. Admittedly, I find the notion of Islam, Christianity, Judaism, what have you, to be hilariously outdated and, honestly, quite damaging to humanity. That being said, I don't express that hatred via a gun. However, I digress. I don't think any reasonable person is condoning his method of dealing with his hatred of religious people.

What is being thrown around, and quite ignorantly at that, is that the religion of the victims is irrelevant to the story and to the crime. It's the same tired bullshit that people were trotting out during the Ferguson riots. The insistence and self-inflated sense that one is living in a post-racial and post-bigoted society is exactly why we AREN'T living in a tolerant world. "Not seeing color" is as racist as hating someone for their color. It ignores the cultural lines (read: barriers) that separate the oppressed and the privileged.

If you don't think that Hicks, a self-professed atheist and clearly unstable human, gave any thought to the ethnicity and creed of his victims last night, then you are being willfully ignorant. Of course the fact that they were Muslim came into his decision to murder them. It may not have been the prevailing reason (though it certainly might have been), but it factored in. That is reason enough to spark rage within the Muslim community and it's definitely reason enough to continue the conversation of Muslim oppression in the Western world.

#MuslimLivesMatter   RIP Deah, Yusor, and Razan

Appalachian State's Mental Illness Problem

We are really shitty at talking about mental illness. "Our best" amounts to a couple of links and the phone number for the suicide hotline. "Talk to someone" they repeat over and over again. As if just sitting someone down and talking their ear off about all the little nuances of our psyche is something that never crossed our minds. And yet, mental illness is in vogue. It's quirky and fun, highlighting the unique natures of a generation that is frothing at the mouth to stand out in an increasingly homogenizing world. When a celebrity or person of interest dies as a result of it, we jump at the chance to spout off our opinions on why/when/where/how they did the deed. We extoll the virtues of not committing suicide and vomit vague platitudes about the fullness of life. We hawk Prozac, Xanax, Zoloft, Lexapro and a veritable menagerie of other mind-numbing bullshit aimed at just calming people with uncomfortable thoughts down.

Fuck off.

Mental illness isn't the next talking point that you get to include in your "good-little-progressive" quota for the day. This will not be KONY 2012 because this isn't a problem that you can throw money and "awareness" at until it just goes away or climbs back under a rock. This will require work and it will require shoving yourself face-first into the ugly side of human life and the human mind. If I sound melodramatic, it's because I'm still bristling at the latest bad handling in a long line of poor responses to suicide in my community.

Earlier this week, Mary-Catherine Johnson, a student of Appalachian State, was found dead in her dorm room. She was 19 years old and she was from Raleigh.

Early last semester, a young freshman named Anna Smith went missing. After two weeks of searching, police found her body in the woods near campus. She was 18 years old and from High Point. 

These tragedies have rocked Appalachian's campus and caused a great deal of grief and uproar from students and faculty alike. In response, Appalachian State sent an email from Chancellor Sheri Everts with a vague link to a university website dedicated to giving you all sorts of phone numbers....including 911! Have no fear, victims of mental illness and personal strife, Appalachian has its best web designers on the case. 

Tongue in cheek aside, I understand that the university is trying. I really do. It's nice that the Chancellor takes time out of her busy day of posing for photographs to write us an email about how much this death has affected her personally. But you guys really aren't trying hard enough. Let's take the counseling center, for example. It's a great resource on paper. Free counseling (occasionally with dogs!) for all Appalachian State students! What a bargain, right? That is, if you wait for several weeks for them to match you up with a counselor who then spends the first meeting talking about the problems they'd like to address in the coming months and sends you packing until two weeks from now.

For those of you that do not understand the toll mental illness takes on the mind, let me put it this way: If you were to walk into the emergency room with a wound that, while not immediately a threat, might become one over time, would you find it reasonable to be told that a doctor will be available to see you in two weeks? Fuck no.

I get it. Hiring enough mental health professionals to accommodate a university of thousands is a daunting task. But it's not an impossible one.

Let me be clear: I am not blaming the university for the suicides of its students. There is no way that people in power could know what each and every student is going through. What I am saying is that there are ways to prevent this in the future that the university is not currently exploring. An idea off the top of my head: Dorm counselors. Because right now the only in-house solution are several confused kids who just happen to have a shiny badge that says "Residence Assistant." 

I'm not saying I have all the ideas, either. I'm just an angry bystander who finds the amount of effort and passion put into suicide prevention lax and irresponsible. 

We don't want phone numbers; we want help.