Do You Own An iPhone? You Might Be Funding Terrorism

Sensationalistic titles for shameless self-promotion. But I got your attention didn't I? And I'm not completely embellishing the truth. Bloomberg just published a story about illegal tungsten operations in Colombia and it's not looking good for companies like Apple, BWM and Samsung (to name just a few). Read the full article here.

The Morning WTF: Sharks On A Train

Good morning and welcome, friends, family, and foreigners. This is The Morning WTF, the show that leaves you happy and satisfied, unlike those OTHER blogs. So lean back, don't make eye contact, and enjoy today's dose of wit. But first, as always, your lovely lady of the day:

You may have Heard of her. 

Whoa: Not Weird, But Holy Shit

Today's first topic is brought to you by the letter "W" but instead of being weird, it's just plain awesome.

Skydiving is like giving mother nature the finger. Deliberately going as far in the air as possible and then just jumping out is telling the world that you want to see how close you can come to dying today. There are plenty of things that could go wrong and result in your body painting the surface of the earth like a goddamn mural. But, for some people, merely jumping out of a plane isn't enough to satisfy their self-loathing. Sometimes you have to lock yourself in a fucking box and get thrown out of a plane. 

Anthony Martin, an escape artist, decided that his life was way too mundane to just spend getting out of boxes the normal way. He needed to do it while careening through the sky and at an incredible speed. If you had thrown some snakes in that box, you'd have all three of my phobias in one! But one wonders who insulted Anthony's normal game and forced him to take his act to the sky. Maybe it was his mom, calling to tell him that she just saw a man on TV who was a lot more impressive. Maybe his buddies told him that just because he had learned to get out of the locker didn't mean he wasn't a pussy. Maybe he has a small penis. The world may never know, but he certainly dazzled us today and lived to escape another day. 

Topical: No shit.....Oh shit! 

At first glance, today's report from NPR seems like a no-brainer. "NSA Is Searching 'Vast Amounts' Of Americans' Emails." No shit, Sherlock. That's sort of been a talking point for the past month. Maybe you missed it?  But upon further investigation, the article reveals some startling and disturbing details. 

Charlie Savage, a reporter for The New York Times wrote a piece today concerning the NSA and what, exactly, it's been up to. As we have been salivating over new information about Edward Snowden, we have irresponsibly overlooked the valuable information that he dragged out into the light. The NYT puts that information under a microscope and confirms my suspicion that I don't even have to mention a buzz word to get tagged for surveillance. Merely speaking with someone that's in a foreign country can spark the NSA's interest in your private emails. But we knew this already. The real kicker is that the NSA "is also casting a far wider net for people who cite information linked to those foreigners, like a little used e-mail address." How vague and ambiguous.

I won't read the entire article to you, but you get the gist of it. The NSA is becoming less and less choosy about whose privacy they violate and that's a fucking problem. It may not seem like much now. I mean, no one I know has been carted off my mysterious men in black vans, but if this is the way the NSA is going, even in the face of public acknowledgement, the future doesn't look good for our personal privacy. Perhaps most disturbing is that most people brush off this information with a shrug and go about their days without actually thinking about what this means. Without critical thought by an informed electorate, this sort of shit will keep happening. So, please, I implore you to read about this and inform yourself. You don't have to freak out and start building a bomb shelter, but for the love of god, be aware.

Funny: Sharks In The City 

According to the Internet it's Shark Week but I wouldn't know because I don't have cable. Yes, that makes me better than you. But for all the hype over sharks this week, no one was expecting the creatures to turn up in a New York City subway. Thankfully for us, one did. A dead shark, just lying around on the ground like a goddamn homeless person, was found on a subway in Queens and nobody knows why. If this is some kind of fucked up publicity stunt by the Discovery Channel, I approve. 

Many people took pictures of the little guy and shortly after he was found, he was reported to transit officials who unceremoniously threw him in the trash. Yes, you heard that correctly. They threw him in the trash. Because New York City. But before he was dumped, something glorious happened. One hilarious individual saw this moment and knew that there was only one thing he could do. 

Reenact Weekend at Bernie's with a fucking shark.

If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. I want there to be a dead shark on every subway ride if this is the kind of comedy gold that will get mass communicated. This shark may not be the king of the sea anymore, but he sure as hell was the king of New York City for a day. Like Sinatra, his little town blues melted away and he swam his way into our hearts and smoked himself to his death. Three cheers for this fuckin' shark.

Thanks for reading, everybody! I finally finished an article before noon! I have noticed an increased amount of sharing and liking, and for that I am thankful! Keep on sharing, liking and commenting and make sure you tell your friends and family that The Daily Wit is the shit.

The Morning WTF: Obama Throws a Fit

Hello and welcome to The Morning WTF! The show where we rapidly go down a list of the weird, the topical, and the funny in an attempt to both brighten your day and keep you informed. It's Hump Day! Have you humped your significant other yet? If not, you'll need to tell him or her to hold on, because you've got some wit to read. First up, your lovely lady to kickstart your day:

Screw how we met her mother. I'd like to meet her.

Weird: What is this? A book for ants??

In today's world with all of its distractions and short attention spans, reading has become a difficult thing for the majority of the population. (Citations lacking) It requires a level of concentration that can only be achieved by someone whose mind hasn't been fried by the internet and all of the latest gadgets and apps. But even for those of us who read, there comes a point where difficulty supersedes our desire to continue this age old practice. This difficulty arises when you make a book too fucking small.

The library at The University of Iowa recently discovered "a book the size of a ladybug." Because, you know, why not? The tiny tome measures 0.138 inches square and 0.04 inches thick which makes it roughly the size of a useless goddamn book. The library staff assumed by its cover that it was a Bible and later confirmed these suspicions by giving it to a colony of Smurfs and watching them murder each other in the name of peace.

Apparently originally sold in 1965 at the World's Fair in New York, it was marketed as the world smallest book, paired with its larger counterpart, which is about ten times as large and still only 1 3/8" by 1 3/8". Oddly enough, the book is no longer the smallest book in the world, that record having been beaten by someone with a lot more time on their hands and, I imagine, incredibly small hands at that. 

"Look what I pulled from between my teeth, ma!"

The article goes on to say that the book is not meant for reading (no shit) and was intended to be used as a charm, much like a cross would be worn around someone's neck. Unlike, a cross, however, a lot more wasted time went into writing the entire first chapter of Genesis within its minuscule pages. I suppose the lack of Internet in the 60s caused people to do all sorts of crazy shit.

Topical: Obama and Putin are in a relationship and it's complicated. 

Following Russia's decision to give Edward Snowden temporary asylum, the United States has expressed its ire and concern over the decision through several empty threats doled out by its resident senior citizens. But it seems that those "threats" are finally taking form as the White House announced that Obama would not be attending his one-on-one meeting (date) with Putin in September.

The reason for the cancellation according to the Obama administration? 

Following a careful review begun in July, we have reached the conclusion that there is not enough recent progress in our bilateral agenda with Russia to hold a U.S.-Russia Summit in early September.  We value the achievements made with Russia in the President’s first term, including the New START Treaty, and cooperation on Afghanistan, Iran, and North Korea.  However, given our lack of progress on issues such as missile defense and arms control, trade and commercial relations, global security issues, and human rights and civil society in the last twelve months, we have informed the Russian Government that we believe it would be more constructive to postpone the summit until we have more results from our shared agenda.  Russia’s disappointing decision to grant Edward Snowden temporary asylum was also a factor that we considered in assessing the current state of our bilateral relationship.

 "We don't even care about Snowden that much! Haha, you guys can have him. We're just mad about other stuff. Grown up stuff, you know? Like missiles and human rights and stuff..."

I am sure that there have been strained relations concerning the aforementioned issues, but to base your cancellation on that with the inclusion of Snowden as an afterthought? That's a temper tantrum masquerading itself as nonchalance. Furthermore, to cancel the meeting while still attending the G20 summit is further evidence that they are crossing their arms and sticking their tongues out in an incredible demonstration of statesmanship. You don't have to go and lick Putin's boots, but to pretend like you're basing your decisions on actual problems as opposed to the reality that you refuse to acknowledge is just immature and, frankly, a bit silly.

But that's just one man's thoughts on the news. Comment down below with your opinions.

Funny: Man Mocks Package Thief and Does So Hilariously

There's always a risk to having a package left on your front door step. The world is full of assholes and free shit outside is a ripe target for these experienced dickheads. Unfortunately, because the outside world is governed by the laws of wolves, we don't often catch these walk-by thieves. Our Sunday newspaper becomes lost to a world of anarchy and amorality. But, for one Arizona man, this was unacceptable. He decided to take the job of tracking down the criminal into his own hands.

Tim Lake, a resident of Phoenix, caught his package thief on tape as she awkwardly ran away with his box of K-cups and an ice cube tray. Rather than show real remorse for this minor loss, he decided to sarcastically tear his thief a new one in the form of hilarious "Beware" posters. 

Sometimes, a caption is just unnecessary.

After posting these all over his neighborhood, CBS5 invited him on their show where he mock cried and gave a hilariously over the top interview in which he stayed in character the entire time. It was a glorious use of air time and an absolutely wonderful use of paper. Thank you, Tim, for fighting the good fight and keeping our packages safe. 

Thank you for reading! Again, I seem to have underestimated how long it would take me to write this article and it is now The Afternoon WTF. Fortunately, I'm starting to get the hang of it and my process is becoming smoother with every article. But for me to continue improving, I need you, my lovely readers, to like and share my content with your friends and family on Facebook or whatever social networking site you use. (This includes chain emails from the 90s)

Good morning/afternoon and have a witty day! 

Happy One Thousandth View!

A minor milestone at best, but I'm proud nonetheless. I didn't mean for that rhyme, but shit happens. Thank you dedicated readers! Five days in, and one thousand views (and some change) to show for it. I hope this is just one of many exciting events to occur in the life of this blog. Next goal: 10,000 views. Let's make it happen, people! Tell every single person you know about this blog!!!

The Morning WTF: Of Mormons and Underwear

Good morning, faithful readers! Today we take a look at white people doing inexplicable things, white people accomplishing feats in inexplicable ways, and white people looking inexplicably hot. On that last note, here's your lovely lady to start your day:

All hail the House Lannister.

Weird: National Underwear Day

For sane people, yesterday was just another normal day in America. But for a select few (hundred) it was a celebration of underwear. In an attempt to break the world record for most people gathered in their underwear, Freshpair.com attempted to rally 2,271 people to Times Square. Unfortunately for them and the shameless people who showed up, they failed to do so. But their gumption did not go overlooked and we here at The Daily Wit are proud to applaud the oddities of the insane people that gathered in Times Square and who managed to be the craziest people in NYC for a day. And that, my friends, is a feat worth bragging about. 

This image, however, is not. 

For pictures of this odd, uncomfortable gathering,  here's a photo gallery from the blog, Dodge & Burn. Warning, several of the photos are NSFW. Ye have been warned. 

Topical: George W. Bush Hospitalized Due to Stent Implant

On Tuesday morning (this morning, for those of you without calendars), the former President underwent a heart procedure to to fix a blocked artery in his heart. The surgery was "without complications" and he is on his way to recovery. Despite what your feelings may be on the former POTUS, we wish him well and a smooth recovery.

In other news, The Washington Post, was purchased by Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon. To give you an idea of where print media is going, it wasn't Bezos' company that acquired the Post but he, himself that purchased the aging paper. Paying a hefty $250 million in cash, he took the paper under his wing and honored its former owners in a memo to his newly acquired staff. Katharine Weymouth, former owner, has announced that she will stay on as publisher and CEO. This picture, courtesy of The Atlantic, was snapped of the Graham Family shortly after it was announced that they would hand over the paper to Bezos. 

Photo by Marcus Brauchli

Is this the beginning of the future for print media? Some see this as the end of an era, but I prefer to see it as a fresh new start for the prehistoric medium. Innovation and technology may have delivered a fatal blow to the industry, but I predict that they will be just as instrumental in its revival. Only time will tell.

Funny: Mormons Conquer The Court

Sometimes the stars align and something very magical happens. Occasionally its something as simple as a two-pronged natural occurrence. At other times, it may be a demonstration of national solidarity after an awful event. (See: 9/12) But sometimes, a miracle happens and the world cannot help but look on in utter awe of its beauty. Much like a black president, this miracle was thought to be physically impossible until it happened right before our eyes. In the following video, several black dudes get schooled in basketball by the whitest kids we know: Mormons. 

Aptly named, "Unexpected Ballers" perfectly captures the absolute shock that follows the breaking down of racial and cultural stereotypes. Normally a whited out folk, sustaining themselves on only vanilla wafers and milk, Mormons don't often show much of anything in the way of skill or personality. (Even when they're running for President) But these oft milquetoast individuals received a new label as they dunked their way into the hearts of the members of "the hood" and the hearts of America. Whenever you feel alone or different, just remember how these magical underwear clad men surprised the shit out of a few black dudes by playing the hell out of some b-ball. What a friend we have in Moroni. 

That's it for The Morning WTF! As always, make sure to share with your friends and family and like, tweet, comment on my posts! Every time you fail to do one of these things, the NSA glances at a picture of your genitals. If you're into that sort of thing, I have no power over you. Congratulations, I suppose. Until next time! 

The Morning WTF: Mumford and Sons Finally Get Something Right

It's Monday! The day where every mild-mannered office worker or student gets to be an amateur comic and clumsily quote Office Space. Why, no, I didn't have a "case of the Monday's" until your stupid face showed up! But as unbearable as your peers and coworkers may be, I'm here to remedy your situation with funny words and accompanying pictures for my less educated audience. (Read: Morons) Also, here is a great picture to start your day!

Because marketing.

Now, on to your Morning WTF! 

Weird: Sudeikis and Sons

If you're a fan of Mumford and Sons, you're also probably the kind of person that thinks they're music is thought-provoking and unique. You are wrong on both accounts and also probably think that Coldplay invented rock and roll. But despite your shortcomings, today is your day to shine as a Mumford and Sons fan. 

The boring, unvarying "folk" group just released a music video finally worth watching. The reason? They're not in it. Their mouth-full-of-marbles voices are still in it, but they are replaced by four much more interesting people. Jason Sudeikis plays the role of the lead singer, Will Forte plays the bass in a comically unkempt beard, Ed Helms slams away at the piano, and everyone's favorite Jason Bateman shreds the banjo. 

It's not laugh out loud funny, but it's sure to garner a chuckle or two. Warning to any easily offended people: There is a hot kiss shared among two individuals. The assault on "traditional marriage" may cause some to implode and burst into fits of rage. (Damn you, things that have little to no effect on me!)

So, yes, Mumford and Sons done good with this music video and actually made it worth listening to one of their songs to the end. Their musical style may be sleep inducing, but at least their taste in comedy is spot on.

Topical: Embassies In the Middle East Shutting Down Due to Terrorist Threats

Several embassies across the Middle East and North Africa are shutting their doors after rumors of terrorist threats by al-Qaeda. The embassies will be closed through August 10th, which prompts the questions: What if the terrorists just postpone their supposed attacks until then? Is there some sort of terrorist rule that says you can't attack a US embassy after the first ten days of the month? I mean, hell, the worst terrorist attack in US history happened on the 11th of a month so that theory doesn't fly. (Pun intended) However, I digress.

Max Read of the ever snarky Gawker seems unfazed by the threats and comments that "terrorists don't need to do anything besides exist to disrupt and discomfort America's diplomatic presence overseas." He has a point, of course, considering that the only information we have received on these threats is that the terrorists are planning a terrorist attack, based on intercepted communications. I imagine that this is just another normal day at the office for al-Qaeda. So what makes these threats different than what they do on any other given day?

"We received information that high level people from al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula are talking about a major attack," Representative Dutch Ruppersberger (D-MD)-ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee and incredibly German individual- told This Week. "And these are people at a high level."

Whether or not this is a real threat or just media hype fueled by a slow weekend is yet to be seen. I'm hoping for the latter.

Funny: Man vs Bottle, Bottle Wins

We've all struggled trying to open a bottle before. Those bastards are occasionally screwed on there pretty tight. But most of us don't have biceps the size of a normal man's torso. In the following video, an incredibly muscular man tries to open a bottle and fails miserably. Let's watch!

I think the greatest part about this video is that the commentators are mocking him the entire time. Whatever game was going on was clearly not interesting enough for them to pay attention to and they, instead, directed their focus on this poor dude struggling to open a fucking Aquafina. But their commentary paid off and, for that, we here at The Daily Wit thank you. 

Thank you for reading! If you made it all the way to the end, you're truly a special kind of person. A pat on the back for you and three of your closest friends! Please like and comment at your leisure and share my content with every single person you know. The more views I get, the more readers I will have. The more readers that I have, the more quality content I will produce. Everybody wins! 

Sunday Break

Just as God rested on the seventh day, so shall I. Your regularly scheduled blogging shall return tomorrow morning. If you miss me that much, you can always read through my shit again, recommend it to your friends and tell them to recommend it to their friends. Unless you're their only friend. In which case, good for you!