The Most Batshit Insane Crap On Sale At Urban Outfitters Today

I don't like to come across as a curmudgeonly old man, waving his cane at the internet and responding to spam mail with "You must have the wrong address but I'll keep in touch if you will," but we all have to reach that point some day. Today might be that day.

Urban Outfitters is the mecca for trust fund hipsters. Filled with everything you need to start your life as a young adult with an "alternative" lifestyle, Urban Outfitters is the result of capitalism realizing the marketability of '60s counterculture. As soon as they figured out that millennials were too lazy to protest but still wanted to seem like they had strong opinions, Urban Outfitters was born.

They also happen to be a great place to get instant film. Sue me. As a result of my weakness, I now receive endless emails from the hipster hivemind which is ostensibly trying to recruit me. I have so far remained vigilant in not clicking their spammy bullshit because no, I don't really give a damn about your new collection of distressed jeans, aged using the dirt from Lou Reed's grave. I did, however, give in to their Black Friday email because, hell, that's got to yield something funny. I was not disappointed.

First of all, Urban Outfitters considers "sale" to mean "reducing from a ridiculous price to a slightly more reasonable one" which, I imagine, is really any sale on Black Friday but we won't get into that. Additionally, the shit Urban Outfitters is trying to hawk on their website is clearly aimed at an intoxicated audience because who in their right mind would actually buy this shit? You maybe. So, without further ado, here are the most batshit insane things on sale at Urban Outfitters today (with links should you wish to partake in the bullshit).

Wolf Hood: Originally priced at $80 

Now priced at a modest $39.99, this stupid fucking wolf hood is sure to make you look like the biggest dumbass at the coven meeting for half the original price! I understand the impetus for making it look fake, but for forty bucks they could at least make the nose look slightly less like the tip of a leather armchair. 

Potential to last beyond first use: 25%

Magical Thinking Henna Badger Skull Sculpture: Originally priced at $16

Have you ever thought "man, I wish I had a shitty replica of a badger skull decorated with a henna tattoo to put on my table"? Let me answer that for you: of course you fucking haven't. But Urban Outfitters is here for those of you that do wish they did. Man, I only wish I lived a life where I needed one of these. Who are the people that do? What kind of life are they leading? Do they know something I don't?

At any rate, here's an additional tidbit from the product page: "Looks great on coffee tables, end tables or you can even hang it on a wall!" Because nothing says "welcome home" like this bad boy hanging from your wall.

Potential to last beyond first use: 90% (I mean, hey, once it's out, it's out) 

Metallic Storage Bin: Originally priced at $39

There's no way around this. This is a metal fucking bag. Excuse me. It is a (now) $30 metal fucking bag. Evidently they want you to put magazines in your newly acquired metal bag? Regardless of its intended purpose, Urban Outfitters REALLY wants you to buy their supply of metal fucking bags because not two rows down from this one is an "entirely different" product that is most certainly not a metal fucking bag....colored gold.

Potential to last beyond first use: 55%

Magical Thinking Moroccan Tile Tapestry: Originally priced at $49

I chose this one purely for its accompanying image. First of all, if you're going to buy a piece of fabric this expensive, you are most certainly not going to take it into a dirty ass lake. Secondly, if you're going to buy a piece of fabric this expensive, you most certainly do not own a canoe. Finally, if you're going to buy a piece of fabric this expensive, actually, you know what? Even if you wouldn't, no one (and I mean no one) is going to go canoeing like this. It's neither feasible nor comfortable nor sensical. This only happens in charming indie music videos and Apple commercials. This is not something that normal, thought-possessing people do.

Potential to last beyond first use: I don't really care. 

Magical Thinking Hanne Table Lamp: Originally priced at $49 

Here's a piece of pottery. Seriously, that's all it is. It is now, luckily, only a $30 piece of pottery but the concept remains the same. It neither comes with a lampshade (obvious from the image) nor a lightbulb (obvious using common sense). Those are two of the more necessary components of a lamp. Thus, this is just a piece of pottery that happens to contain an electrical wiring mechanism.


Potential to last beyond first use: 65% 

Do It Yourself: 50 Projects By Designers And Artists By Thomas Bärnthaler: Originally priced at $29.95

The only thing more ironic than this being situated directly below a $70 "ladder shelf" is that someone is definitely going to buy both. 

Potential to last beyond first use: 0% 

Tube Of Balloons: Originally priced at $10 (?)

I mean, yeah sure okay? 

Potential to last beyond first use: ???

How To Meet Women On The Subway By Brian C. Robinson & Eric Wong: Originally priced at $12.95

Oh, fuck you. Here's the product description: "How To Meet Women On The Subway is a hilarious paperback that'll convince you that the NYC subway is THE best place to meet women. Outrageous tips include Subway Swagger Secrets, how your Unlimited Metro Card = Unlimited Women, meeting Single Subway Moms, and 120+ pages of "expert advice" that will guide you through 468 stations, 600+ miles of track and a million possibilities."

I repeat: fuuuuuckkkk you. 

Potential to last beyond first use: 100% (unfortunately) 

Radiohead Tee: Originally priced at $34 and a smug aside 

The only thing worse than a rabid Radiohead fan trying to disjointedly explain the complexities of Kid A to you is a rabid Radiohead fan trying to disjointedly explain the complexities of Kid A to you in a t-shirt with the band name written backwards. 

Whoa dude. Fuck you. 

Potential to last beyond first use: 110% 

BOAST Classic Pique Polo Shirt: Originally priced at $72 

Let's put to the side for a moment the inherent fuckery and "yeah man I totally smoke weed" communicated by this shirt. Think about everyone you know who likes to advertise that they smoke weed. Would any of them want to do it in a solid color polo shirt? I mean, seriously think about this. It's just...like, a normal polo shirt with a weed leaf on it. Most people probably wouldn't even notice. This shirt is the sad incarnation of every thirty-something smoking a joint in the bathroom of his lousy middle management job. 

Potential to last beyond first use: :( 

Mighty Healthy X Baron Von Fancy Original Apple Tee: Originally priced at $34

In case you can't read it, it says: "Just because you live here doesn't make you a NeW YoRkEr!" Guaranteed to be worn exclusively by non-New Yorkers. 

Potential to last beyond first use: Depends on where you wear it. 

Strand Ryan Destroyed Crew Neck Tee: Originally priced at $44

This is a t-shirt. With holes. This is not a particularly interesting t-shirt with holes, but it is a t-shirt with holes nonetheless. If you really want a t-shirt with holes, I will cut you (ha) a deal. Invite me over to your house, point me in the direction of a t-shirt and I will go to town on it with a hole puncher for the low, low price of $20. That is much lower than....hey wait, this thing isn't even on sale. 

Potential to last beyond first use: Rapidly decreasing. 

Everybody's An Asshole and Nobody's Happy About It

Look to the person on your left and touch their shoulder. There's an 80% chance that person's a fucking asshole. The other 20% of you are sitting alone. And if you can't point out the asshole in the room then, well...

People are dying everywhere and everyone has a lot of shitty opinions about it. No one is happy with where the focus is and, for fuck's sake, why can't we just let the goddamn dying refugees into the country for a little reprieve from daily terror? But even that finds itself dividing into a million little asshole opinions vying for the attention of a billion massive assholes. 

Forget national tragedy. Forget international tragedy. This is a tragedy of cosmic proportions, careening through the cyclical non-structure of universal stupidity. You know what else is cyclical? Assholes.

The incessant caterwauling of internet morons with vomitous opinions about anything that steps into their realm of minor understanding is grating. And like all things that are grated, it's leaving little pieces of, you guessed it: asshole.

This blog, usually dedicated to in-depth (lol) analysis of issues both national and local, is utterly incapable of (and unwilling to be a part of) adding to the din of trumpeting assholes, all breaking wind unto each other in the hopes that one will be crowned victorious in the fight to fart loudest about Paris, Muslims and whatever the fuck Trump is saying these days. 

And yet, I too am an asshole. Trumpeting his own message into the noise-amplified room that is the internet, hoping that his will be the last. Because he who has the last fart has the last laugh. I guess.

Point being, your stupid fucking asshole opinion about the stupid fucking asshole actions of other stupid fucking assholes is worth about negative the amount of words you've breathed into life on your Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/YouTube Comment Section. The net worth of all these negative asshole opinions divided by the average laden air speed of vocal stupidity amounts to how much anyone around you gives a fuck.

In short, stop fucking talking and listen. If we're lucky enough that everyone buys into this model, we might avoid shooting each other for a day.

Have a great fucking night, asshole.

:)

(P.S. Don't go shopping on Black Friday you little capitalist gremlins)