10 Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas

Shit! It's October 31st and you have nothing to wear this evening. Have no fear, The Daily Wit is here! After seeing the thousandth person post Buzzfeed's secondhand list of 26 "clever" Halloween costumes, I decided to write up my own list. Unlike Buzzfeed, mine is original and doesn't include pictures. Like Buzzfeed, however, my ideas are shitty and thrown together at the last minute. But that's the theme of this list. For those of you who woke up this morning and forgot it was Halloween, here are ten costume ideas to quickly throw together for that party you will inevitably end up at.

1. A Homeless Person 

This costume requires nothing more than a plastic bag and terrible hygiene. For some of you in college, this may be the easiest costume on the list. Halloween is already a holiday that celebrates panhandling. If you're an asshole, you can use this costume to make a social statement. For added effect, wear a cardboard sign around your neck that gives statistics about the homeless. Much like the homeless, however, people will most likely ignore them.

Required materials:
-Trash bag
-Tin can
-Mangy dog
-Cardboard sign (optional)
-Sharpie that you can take hits off of intermittently throughout the night.

2. A Sexy Homeless Person 

Similar to "A Homeless Person" but with strategically cut holes in your trash bag. You may also want use your cardboard sign to write your hourly rate. If you catch my drift.

Required materials:
See "A Homeless Person" above.

3. A Pile of Leaves

It's fall and, as the name implies, the leaves are all around us. Rather than put them in an inexplicable pile why not use them as a costume? They work as excellent camouflage and, in the very good chance you aren't invited to a party, you can lie on the side of the road and wait to scare little children and drunk college students alike. If you have a buddy who is as sad as you are, you can get him to be a middle class suburban father who follows you around with a rake. Remember, you're the only thing keeping him from beating his family!

Required Materials:
-Leaves
-Elmer's Glue
-Sadness

4. Sexy iPod

Let's face it, you aren't getting laid tonight. This costume requires you to dress as an iPod and scream "Let's Get it On" at the top of your lungs until you get thrown out of the party. For the people who throw you out, it's like skipping a song on Pandora. And, on that note, be sure to burst back in and scream advertisements at them for an inappropriately long time.

Required Materials:
-Whatever is required to make an iPod costume
-The chorus of "Let's Get it On" ( you don't need to know the WHOLE song)

5. Sexy Zune

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Required materials:
-Knowledge of what a Zune looks like. This is probably the hardest material to get.

6. A hot girl

Halloween, while often associated with candy and razor blades, is also known for slutty girls. And, let's face it, us guys don't give a shit if you're wearing a costume or not. Under our costumes, we're perspiring at a rapid rate because a) The costume we're wearing is uncomfortable and b) You're giving us the time of day. So fuck a costume. Just show up and flaunt what you've got. You may be stupid every other day of the year, but you're a queen tonight.

Required materials:
-Great genetics
-A modicum of confidence

7. An airbag

After removing the airbag from your car using the proper tools, strap this on and prepare for the greatest night of your life. Over the course of the evening, whenever you see someone doing something you deem unsafe, launch yourself at them while making a high pitched wail. You'll be the life (saver) of the party! Not to mention, when some douche tries to knock you out, you'll have enough padding to withstand his blows. Where was this costume when you were getting your ass kicked in middle school?

Required materials:
-An airbag
-A desire to piss people off

8. A white guy 

People are pretty up in arms this year over blackface.  But why should white people have all the racially insensitive fun? If you're black or vaguely ethnic, I invite you to plaster on whiteface and spend your evening talking about stocks and engaging in other caucasian activities. Warning: Development of white man's guilt is often a side effect associated with whiteface. You may start finding yourself getting offended at shit that doesn't affect you. This will only wear off after you reenter the real world.

Required materials:
-White paint
-A cardigan
-A Dave Matthews Band album.

9. Sexy Mormon

Switch out those magic whitey tighties for a pair of magic boxer briefs. If you're a woman, hike that skirt up above your ankles and expose those suckers. Tonight, you are going to bed at 9pm and ain't nobody gonna tell you otherwise! Can't drink alcohol? No problem. We have Bud Light for you.

Required materials:
-Short sleeve white button up
-A tie that's too wide
-A Schwinn

10. Drunk

When all fails, fuck it! It's Halloween, bitches! Drink till you think the monsters are real and enjoy your candy corn on its way back up.

From us here at The Daily Wit to you, Happy Halloween! Don't drink and drive and don't go home with anything less than a 6.

Mother Ripped Off Son's Scrotum and Then Tried to Superglue It Back On

And today's award for cringe-worthy story goes to...

Jennifer Marie Vargas: mother, devoted wife, and mangler of genitals. After pissing off his mother, the 6 year old son of Vargas had his dangly bits torn as punishment. Realizing that tearing your child's balls isn't exactly normal behavior, Vargas attempted to remedy the situation by doing the only sane thing she knew: supergluing his scrotum back together. I'm not sure, but I believe this is the adult, un-Disneyfied version of Humpty Dumpty that The Brothers Grimm originally wrote down. (Citation pending)

Vargas's husband, a soldier stationed at Joint Base San Antonio, arrived home to find his son crying with bloody paper towels stuffed down his underwear. Upon closer inspection, he found that his son's scrotum had been partially severed and that there was a 4 cm-long tear and bruising. 

Men, you may take a moment to cry.

The FBI was notified (because scrotum injuries are serious shit) and Vargas was taken into custody. The affidavit states that Vargas admitted to inflicting the injury out of anger. Reading the last several sentences of the affidavit, its clear that even the FBI couldn't contain its disbelief at the utter stupidity of the situation. 

Vargas was charged with assault within maritime and territorial jurisdiction resulting in serious bodily injury and could face up to 10 years in prison.  Charges for crimes against mankind and possessors of scrotums everywhere are still being discussed by a special male jury made up of George Clooney, Chuck Norris, and Teddy Roosevelt's corpse. 

As for the poor child, he was rushed to a hospital and surgeons were able to repair the damage. But there are some things you just can't fix. We here at The Daily Wit salute your "trust of women" as it is laid to rest for the remainder of your existence. 

New iPad to be Revealed....Now

Watch the live keynote here and see Gizmodo's live blog here. 

Man, I hope this one is even smaller!

Happy Snark Free Day!

In one of the most futile attempts in human history, the good people over at PRConsultants Group have deemed today, October 22, to be Snark Free Day!

"Fuck that shit."-Oscar Wilde

Toni Antonetti, a director for the project, has this to say on the topic of being snark free:

Instead of taking the cheap shot, take the high road. People have been emboldened by the anonymity and immediacy of online commenting. On Oct. 22, we’re asking others to commit to taking just a moment before speaking, hitting send or posting to think about the effect our words have on those who receive them. Be snark-free for one day.

Ironically enough, the snark-freedom fighters have put up a video on the snarkiest (albeit, least clever) place on the internet:

In the above video, subtly named protagonist (antagonist?) Jonathan Snark is used to demonstrate the harmful effects of snark. These effects include: pussies realizing they are pussies, the development of "snark" taste buds, and the ability to hold large letters. Snark sounds more like a superpower after they are done fumbling around trying to explain its drawbacks.

As a purveyor of snarky material, I feel personally offended by this attack on my way of life. So, in response, I urge each and every one of you to post the snarkiest comment you can muster on their YouTube video. Also, if you work at a job that deals with a lot of stupid people (Read: any job), be sure to be extra snarky to your customers, coworkers, and anyone else that doesn't have the power to fire you. Furthermore, I call for this snark to be dragged out for the rest of the week. Happy Snark Week everybody! (cwutididthere)

JPMorgan Possibly Striking a $13 Billion Settlement

At around 3 PM today, it was rumored that JPMorgan Chase & Co., the bank responsible for that whole housing crisis thing, (In case you've forgotten...) is close to coming to a $13 billion mortgage settlement with the US Government.

CNBC reports,

"During a late Friday call between JPMorgan Chief Executive Jamie Dimon, Attorney General Eric Holder and lawyers for both sides, the bank agreed to pay about $13 billion to settle civil cases pending with the Justice Department, the New York Attorney General, and the Federal Housing Finance Agency."

 The FHFA accused JPMorgan and its affiliates of giving false information and withholding the truth "in selling $33 billion in mortgage funds to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac from September 7, 2005 through Sept. 19, 2007."

If this is the case and the Justice Department goes through with this deal, this settlement would be the, as Fox Business puts it, "largest-ever settlement involving a U.S. Company."

Furthermore, this would not release the bank from criminal liability, according to a Reuters source. 

Justice served? Only time will tell. Details will be added as they come.

Shutdown Potentially Costs US $24 Billion

From the get go, we knew the shutdown would have adverse effects. We all heard about the stories concerning furloughed workers and low income families. But, now that the shutdown has been effectively ended, what are the lingering effects on the US economy? Oh, you know, just about $24 billion potentially down the drain. 

Due to the loss of government services during the three week shutdown, our gross domestic product (GDP) took a 3.1 billion hit. And, as CNBC reports, that's just from lost government services. The rest of the lost billions are reportedly attributed to "non-government business losses, temporary layoffs, and other interruptions in business spending."

Now, to be fair, this is purely based on media speculation and its safe to say that the main goal is to squeeze out the last bit of hype from the shutdown before we move on to our next crisis. However, even with that in mind, its worth noting that political temper tantrums cost the United States billions of dollars and almost rammed us right through the debt ceiling.  Food for thought.

Enjoy your Friday!

Senate Reaches Deal to Reopen US Government

On Wednesday (today, for those of you without calendars), the Senate arrived at an agreement on a bipartisan deal to reopen the government and extend its borrowing authority. After three weeks of a government shutdown brought on by Republicans hoping to defund the Affordable Care Act, the final deal "yielded no concessions to the Republicans." So, to answer the prevailing question: Boehner blinked first.

Source: The New York Times

What does the agreement entail? It funds our government until January 15th and gives us the authority to keep borrowing through February 7th. Which, in essence, means that the problem isn't necessarily being fixed, but put off. One can't help but admire these politicians for continuing the teenage stereotype by going from stubborn refusal to procrastination. This is like handing the fate of our country to a classroom of high school juniors. And, at this point, I might have more faith in kids to handle this than our nation's "leaders." However, I am editorializing. Back to facts.

This announcement came when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid took the Senate floor this afternoon.

"We're going to do everything we can to change the atmosphere in the Senate," Reid said.  

During Reid's announcement, Senator Ted Cruz, the never ending conservative mouth piece, announced that he would NOT delay a senate vote on the deal. And the country sighed in relief.

At this point, however, there has been no mention of when the deal would be vote on in the House. As the House is Republican controlled, its not safe to say that we are not out of the woods yet, but judging by the tired look on Boehner's face, I can't imagine anyone wants to keep up this silly game much longer. 

Leave Kenan Thompson Alone!

We live in a society that is very clearly dominated by while culture. I think that this much is very evident and to dispute this would be insane. Despite having a (half) black president, our society still sees institutionalized racism on a daily basis. In particular, pop culture is often in the limelight for its frequent lack of black representation. Take SNL, for example. In a 38 year run, the show has only had four black female cast members. Which makes it a double politically incorrect whammy for the popular comedy show. And yet, even with all of this in mind, Kenan Thompson does not deserve the recent flak he has been receiving. 

Several different websites (including the one linked above) have bemoaned Thompson for a statement he made on the lack of black women on the SNL cast. Headlines have been reading things like, "Kenan Thompson Doesn't Think Black Women Are Funny Enough For SNL" and "Kenan Thompson Says There Are No Black Women On Saturday Night Live Because There Aren't Enough Funny Black Women." This sort of misleading, purposefully scandalous "journalism" is sickening to observe. If you're interested in seeing the exact quote by Mr. Thompson, allow me to deliver:

"I don't know. We just haven't done them. That's what I'm saying. Maybe [Jay Pharaoh] will do it or something, but even he doesn't really want to do it... It's just a tough part of the business," Thompson says. "Like in auditions, they just never find ones that are ready."

This is in reference to Thompson's recent announcement that he will no longer be portraying black women on the show. A noble cause that has been misconstrued as sexist, racist, and other "-ists" that the overly sensitive media can make up in order to make this non-story as controversial as possible.

The original interview was done by TV Guide. You know, the show you watch when you're looking for other shows to watch. If you have never had the displeasure of wandering into the realm of TVGuide.com, its like People Magazine for people with even fewer brain cells. But, for reasons of marketing desperation and profiteering, multiple large websites picked up on the story and started spewing hateful rhetoric about Thompson via their respective internet rags. All because of the above statement which, at no point, implies that there are no good black comediennes worthy of SNL casting.

The point is, Thompson said that there are never black women in auditions that are appealing to Lorne Michaels or the production team of SNL. This doesn't mean that black comediennes as a whole are lacking in quality. However, construing it as such is convenient when you're trying to rile up the attention deficit members of the Internet into a fake-racism/sexism fueled frenzy. There is clearly a problem of racism that persists in this country and there is clearly a lack of black women in the SNL cast. But attacking one member of the cast for vague comments slightly hinting at a lack of qualified black comediennes demeans the issue by associating it with crazy accusations. Stop doing that. You're ruining the fight for feminine and black equality in this country by making it look shallow and sensitive. Let's stop worrying about the words spoken by celebrities and start taking a closer look at the inner workings of our system and how it often pits itself against black culture. (See: Stop and Frisk....again)

Thanks for reading! Do all that liking, commenting, sharing business and whatnot on your social media of choice and make sure to check back daily for wit and all of its variants.

Is This the Next Rebecca Black?

For a solid year, every asshole with an Internet connection and a Facebook became a fucking online comedian by posting this unfortunate cacophony every Friday. These unfunny wastes of genetic material were unknowingly causing the profuse bleeding of ears around the world with their humorless antics. (Or, perhaps, it was a concerted effort by the music industry in order to make Lana Del Rey seem bearable in comparison) But, after a while, the smoke cleared and the hype subsided, sending us back to a culture in which the word "Friday" did not invoke an amateur (not that it could get any more so) interpretation of Rebecca Black's "song." And that was the end of it...or so we thought. My friends, it is with great displeasure and slight trepidation that I introduce the newest addition to the world of credit card bought stardom: "Chinese Food" by Alison Gold.

From the people who brought you Rebecca Black, this god awful assault on humanity may be even worse than "Friday." While thankfully free of Rebecca Black's nasally vocals, the lyrics are on par with, if not worse than, those of the infamous end-of-week ballad. Assuming you've watched it, allow me to echo your comments: What in God's holy name is this fucking thing? 

There are several parts of this video that brush me the wrong way, confuse me, and that are just downright wrong. This video is clearly the work of an insane millionaire with way too much time (and money) on his hands. (We'll get to that later) First, let's quickly review a few weird/disturbing things. 

1. The Subtitles

Why, oh why, are they in different languages? I can understand (sort of) the use of Chinese characters as the song, as the name implies, is about Chinese Food. But why Spanish? Russian? WHY? It's not as if she is singing about foods around the world. Nor is she using "Chinese Food" as a metaphor for the great American melting pot. In fact, I am quite certain that if someone mentioned the word "metaphor" on the set of the music video, heads would explode trying to arrive at the meaning of such a difficult concept. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry that the subtitles are in various languages. The simplicity of the song lends itself to being easily understood. I'm just confused. So very confused...

2. The Fortune Cookie

Ok, so I get that fortune cookies are found at Chinese restaurants. But for fuck's sake, they aren't Chinese food. And, on that vein of thought, neither is Panda Express. What she really means in this video is that she likes Amercanized cuisine that is supposed to resemble Chinese food. Then again, why I am searching for logic amongst this horrendous mass of troglodytic tripe is beyond me.

3. The Panda

In the video, in case you didn't watch it, Alison is sitting a table when she receives a fortune cookie that says something along the lines of "You will meet a new friend." She turns around to see a Panda creepily watching her from a table behind her. It's straight out of a horror movie. Throughout the video, the creepy factor intensifies. She holds its hand, they skip through fields, it comes over for a slumber party with her friends. Now, some of you may question why this is such a big deal. After all, a mythical friend is entitled to certain activities that would leave your average adult locked up in prison. Think of Hobbes, the dragons from Dragon Tales, Big Bird, Frank the Rabbit. They're all harmless (well...) beings that exist purely to act as mythical escapes for children. Is Panda any worse?

Yes. 

When the panda first took its head off to reveal the creepy black man underneath, I briefly considered that I may have stumbled upon a very, very bad part of the internet. After a while, it became apparent that this video was just made by an incredibly unaware production crew that couldn't possibly conceive that a grown man in a panda costume hanging out with pre-teen girls in a bedroom could be construed as FUCKING CREEPY BEYOND ALL BELIEF. If you haven't watched the video yet, please do, because the weird creepy antics don't stop there. He goes on to eat different Chinese foods with his fingers, smiling into the camera as he does. The suggestive nature is enough to make me travel to the future and cover my progeny's eyes.

Even creepier than me taking this screenshot.

But there is more to this creepy, smiling black man than meets the forever-scarred eye. After all, he is the CEO of the company that spawned both Friday and, now, Chinese Food. But I won't go into the creepy, money scheming details behind Ark Music Factory and PWM on here because, frankly, I don't give a damn. I just wanted to share another piece of internet fucktardery that will further dig the grave that American culture will be unceremoniously shot and thrown in.

Thank you, once again, for reading! As always, share, comment on, and like my content for maximum exposure of my blog! Share it with every single breathing human you know, regardless of relationship. Hell, print out pictures of my blog and throw them at homeless people if you have to. It's a great way to advertise AND give charity at the same time. Until next time, you witty bastards.

Anderson Cooper Gets Sassy

America's favorite gay BFF, Anderson Cooper, politely schooled Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID) Monday night when the congressman tried to insinuate that Cooper was favoring Democrats over Republicans. Throughout the interview, Cooper becomes more and more visibly miffed by Labrador's repeated attacks on the media and its apparent favoritism towards the left. Because the Conservatives have no one to back them up in the media world!

And speaking of everyone's favorite news outlet, after a barrage of word vomit from Rep. Labrador, the latent sass of Anderson Cooper came out in full force with a choice string of words that would have made Walter Cronkite shed a tear of joy:

This is the way it works in journalism. When you're not on Fox News, you get contentious interviews. When you're not on MSNBC and a liberal, you get contentious interviews. My job is to ask you questions that are different than you think.

While Cooper's network, CNN, isn't exactly the bastion of good journalism, his reputation is fairly good and he has proven himself to be a journalist worthy of respect.

Not to mention, every middle-aged woman's wet dream.

So what, exactly, was Rep. Golden Retriever trying to articulate before he went on his anti-media rant? Evidently, that the passing of the Healthcare Bill was duplicitous in nature and that it's necessary to push back now because no one tried hard enough in the past. Cooper informed the congressman that Mitt Romney ran on the promise that he would repeal Obamacare and was not elected by the American people. That's sort of a telling sign concerning where the people stand on the issue. Labrador shot back that Romney didn't spend much time on the issue. That is a blatant lie.

There are several other fun little fallacies to be found littered throughout the interview but I'll let you watch for yourself.

Look, whether or not the Affordable Care Act is quality legislation is a moot point by now. It was passed by congress and upheld by the Supreme Court. At this point, Republicans are the clear assholes with an inability to uncross their arms and deal with the unfortunate reality that they lost. I'll buy that President Obama could be a little more diplomatic concerning relations with Speaker Boehner, but that he needs to negotiate the funding of a passed bill in the first place is ridiculous. I digress. 

I hope you enjoyed today's post! Please like, share, and comment on my posts for maximum benefit to both myself and you. As mentioned yesterday, the more regular readers I get, the more posts I will write. And the more posts I write, the more happy and wit-filled days for you. Tis the circle of wit, if you will. Until next time! 

Fox News Debuts Hilarious New Studio

To make fun of Fox News has become an exercise in banality. While it's certainly a font of endless entertainment, it has been well established that Fox News, as a news organization, lacks credibility. But what they lack in credibility, they make up for in showmanship and flashy gimmicks. After all, an audience that thinks that Obama is a Muslim Communist can only absorb information if it's being presented with pizazz by a pretty blonde woman.

Of course they hired her for her legal expertise.

But, alas, Fox News realized that its viewers, as jumped up on freedom as they may be, needed more to hold their attention. There were Tea Party rallies to attend and liberals to yell at; one didn't have time for NEWS. Thus, the Fox News Deck was born. It is fucking ridiculous.

The new studio, in which Shepard Smith will now be broadcasting out of, looks like the set of a B-movie science fiction film. The giant iPad desks, or BATs (Big Area Touchpads) as Shep calls them, are, in essence, touchscreen draft tables. Shep describes their utility as being an easier medium of sorting information for journalists. Journalists who, by the way, will now be working while the camera is rolling and watching them. The biggest surprise here is that Fox News employs journalists. 

Later on in the pandering tour given by Fox's most liberal host and spray tan aficionado, Shepard Smith, there is a demonstration of the remote controlled 38 foot long video wall. With the remote, Shep can move screens from one side of the wall to the other. Its purpose, I imagine, is to briefly divert Shep's gaze from the camera in order to allow people's souls to return to their physical beings. 

All throughout the tour, Shepard along with his producer pals, explains to the audience that this new setup is for them and that it will better help them consume the news. Because what America really wanted all along was for news to be read on a 55 inch touchscreen desk and then presented with a remote. It's like a TED talk except here you leave less informed than you arrived. 

Lightly basted host, Shep Smith, ends his tour with an awkward, stumbling finish that sounds like a stoner trying to explain his fingers to a trash can. But the look on Shep's face implies that it was delivered with staggering eloquence and we can't help but admire his confidence. 

"News pops in and then news breaks....that's sorta the nature of news."

The Fox News Deck is shiny and new and, despite its hilarious and gaudy presentation, is sure to revolutionize news studios across the country. Its doubtful that it will revolutionize it for the better and it most certainly won't magically make the information more accurate as they desperately try to imply in the video tour. But it is sure to have MSNBC scrambling to remain hip and relevant by appeasing more liberal audiences with the same bombastic ambience. As for CNN, well, we all know how their jump into the future went. 

That's all for today, dear readers! Please like, comment on, and share my posts with your friends, family, and racist grandmother. Every new reader makes me a a happy blogger and, through you, I have the potential to access thousands of potential readers. Let's start to expand the audience so that I can feel more motivated to write more and, thus, write better. We all win!

Developing Story: Shots Fired Outside US Capitol

At 2:19 PM this afternoon, there were reportedly shots fired outside the U.S. Capitol Building. Officers were seen running to the scene of the incident and Senator Charles Schumer has confirmed that shots were, indeed, fired. No word yet on whether any shots were fired inside the building.

Police say that the U.S. Capitol Building has been put on security lockdown.

The Senate Sergeant at Arms, Terrence W. Gainer informed reporters that there have been reports of injuries. Reports are saying that the shooter has been arrested. More details will come as The Daily Wit receives it.

You can watch LIVE footage from the Capitol here, via an NBC special report.

UPDATE: Reports coming in that the incident began at the White House and ended at the US Capitol.

3:00 PM Update: ABC reporting that a "female suspect reported dead."

#BREAKING: Source says female suspect reported dead on scene at U.S. Capitol.
— ABC News (@ABC) October 3, 2013

Here's a picture taken by Ed O'Keefe, a Congressional reporter for the Washington Post. 

We are okay inside. Images on internal TV screens at the Capitol pic.twitter.com/GG1ryzGkuM
— Ed O'Keefe (@edatpost) October 3, 2013

And another picture taken by Buzzfeed reporter, Hunter Schwarz.

People run for cover as police converge to the site of a shooting at the Capitol. (AFP/Getty) pic.twitter.com/YhZXVVyv9N

— Hunter Schwarz (@hunterschwarz) October 3, 2013