Shit! It's October 31st and you have nothing to wear this evening. Have no fear, The Daily Wit is here! After seeing the thousandth person post Buzzfeed's secondhand list of 26 "clever" Halloween costumes, I decided to write up my own list. Unlike Buzzfeed, mine is original and doesn't include pictures. Like Buzzfeed, however, my ideas are shitty and thrown together at the last minute. But that's the theme of this list. For those of you who woke up this morning and forgot it was Halloween, here are ten costume ideas to quickly throw together for that party you will inevitably end up at.
1. A Homeless Person
This costume requires nothing more than a plastic bag and terrible hygiene. For some of you in college, this may be the easiest costume on the list. Halloween is already a holiday that celebrates panhandling. If you're an asshole, you can use this costume to make a social statement. For added effect, wear a cardboard sign around your neck that gives statistics about the homeless. Much like the homeless, however, people will most likely ignore them.
Required materials:
-Trash bag
-Tin can
-Mangy dog
-Cardboard sign (optional)
-Sharpie that you can take hits off of intermittently throughout the night.
2. A Sexy Homeless Person
Similar to "A Homeless Person" but with strategically cut holes in your trash bag. You may also want use your cardboard sign to write your hourly rate. If you catch my drift.
Required materials:
See "A Homeless Person" above.
3. A Pile of Leaves
It's fall and, as the name implies, the leaves are all around us. Rather than put them in an inexplicable pile why not use them as a costume? They work as excellent camouflage and, in the very good chance you aren't invited to a party, you can lie on the side of the road and wait to scare little children and drunk college students alike. If you have a buddy who is as sad as you are, you can get him to be a middle class suburban father who follows you around with a rake. Remember, you're the only thing keeping him from beating his family!
Required Materials:
-Leaves
-Elmer's Glue
-Sadness
4. Sexy iPod
Let's face it, you aren't getting laid tonight. This costume requires you to dress as an iPod and scream "Let's Get it On" at the top of your lungs until you get thrown out of the party. For the people who throw you out, it's like skipping a song on Pandora. And, on that note, be sure to burst back in and scream advertisements at them for an inappropriately long time.
Required Materials:
-Whatever is required to make an iPod costume
-The chorus of "Let's Get it On" ( you don't need to know the WHOLE song)
5. Sexy Zune
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Required materials:
-Knowledge of what a Zune looks like. This is probably the hardest material to get.
6. A hot girl
Halloween, while often associated with candy and razor blades, is also known for slutty girls. And, let's face it, us guys don't give a shit if you're wearing a costume or not. Under our costumes, we're perspiring at a rapid rate because a) The costume we're wearing is uncomfortable and b) You're giving us the time of day. So fuck a costume. Just show up and flaunt what you've got. You may be stupid every other day of the year, but you're a queen tonight.
Required materials:
-Great genetics
-A modicum of confidence
7. An airbag
After removing the airbag from your car using the proper tools, strap this on and prepare for the greatest night of your life. Over the course of the evening, whenever you see someone doing something you deem unsafe, launch yourself at them while making a high pitched wail. You'll be the life (saver) of the party! Not to mention, when some douche tries to knock you out, you'll have enough padding to withstand his blows. Where was this costume when you were getting your ass kicked in middle school?
Required materials:
-An airbag
-A desire to piss people off
8. A white guy
People are pretty up in arms this year over blackface. But why should white people have all the racially insensitive fun? If you're black or vaguely ethnic, I invite you to plaster on whiteface and spend your evening talking about stocks and engaging in other caucasian activities. Warning: Development of white man's guilt is often a side effect associated with whiteface. You may start finding yourself getting offended at shit that doesn't affect you. This will only wear off after you reenter the real world.
Required materials:
-White paint
-A cardigan
-A Dave Matthews Band album.
9. Sexy Mormon
Switch out those magic whitey tighties for a pair of magic boxer briefs. If you're a woman, hike that skirt up above your ankles and expose those suckers. Tonight, you are going to bed at 9pm and ain't nobody gonna tell you otherwise! Can't drink alcohol? No problem. We have Bud Light for you.
Required materials:
-Short sleeve white button up
-A tie that's too wide
-A Schwinn
10. Drunk
When all fails, fuck it! It's Halloween, bitches! Drink till you think the monsters are real and enjoy your candy corn on its way back up.
From us here at The Daily Wit to you, Happy Halloween! Don't drink and drive and don't go home with anything less than a 6.
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