Tomi Needs a Time Out

Tomi Lahren, America's angriest child, is mad again. This time about sitting. You see, Tomi stayed up (presumably past her bedtime) to watch the latest 49ers game wherein quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, did not stand for the National Anthem. Because he's a communist? He was wearing red. Hmmmm.

Actually, Kaepernick was making a statement about race relations and the systemic oppression of people of color. Tomi, waving a chubby finger at the screen and teetering on her tiny, still unformed legs, was not amused. She managed to make her way to her Fischer Price telephone and dial the number of several camera people who, apparently, were okay filming a child's temper tantrum. Anything for money, right?

Tomi, in a fit of rage and child-like confusion, babbled for a good three and a half minutes about Kaepernick and his anti-America sentiments. Rumor has it that, instead of playing Mozart, Tomi's mommy played old tapes of Joseph McCarthy while she was pregnant. Adorable!

Tomi's deconstruction starts strong, promising to "eviscerate this mouth diarrhea, sentence by sentence." Same, Tomi. Same.

Dangling candy from behind the camera, producers caught these next few lines on camera:

I support the first amendment. I support your right to freedom of speech and expression. Go for it, bud. It's this country, the country that you have so much disdain for that allows you the right to speak your mind. It protects your right to be a whiny, indulgent, attention-seeking crybaby. It also protects my right to shred you for it.

Shred! Bud! Disdain! Tomi's vocabulary is impressive, considering she emerged from the womb not six months ago. But with precocious verbosity comes great confusion in the undeveloped mind. Evidently, wires crossed and Tomi began her rant by addressing herself. Tomi! It's a camera, not a mirror. They're still working on identifying objects with Tomi.

They have not, however, worked with Tomi on her geography. Or history. Or political science. Or economics. Or sociology. Or psychology. Or manners. And what do we all do when we don't know something? We imitate! Tomi, pulling from the deepest evolutionary well inside of her, imitates her conservative colleagues and whips out the sickest burn since 1776.

If this country disgusts you so much, leave!

And don't let the door hit you on the way out! Hahahahahaha. Oh, Tomi. You always know how to make me laugh. And I know how to make you laugh when I hide my face behind my hands and then show it again. Peekaboo always makes Tomi giggle uncontrollably. But she usually needs a nap afterwards. Anywho, Tomi goes on to sputter out some silly daydreams she's been having where the whole world is banging on the door to the United States to get in. I'm so proud of how creative Tomi is becoming. 

Is our country perfect, Tomi asks. No, she concedes, holding back tears. "But what have you done to make it better?" she asks. "What's your contribution? Sitting there like a fool?" Yeah, you're right little tyke! People who sit and contribute nothing of substance are the worst. You're growing up so fast.

You can't see it, but at this point there's a subtle break in the video where they had to stop filming to change someone's diaper. Apparently someone got a little worked up. I'm being told that someone is working on their self-control.

Getting back into the groove of things with a brand spankin' new set of Huggies to boost her confidence, Tomi stumbles on to another stray thought just banging around in her tiny, soft, delicate head. If Kaepernick hates white people so much, why is he white? Tomi, I think you're misunderstanding something here, but it's okay. You're a literal child so I wouldn't expect complex racial relations to make sense. Go on with your speech.

But Tomi is not finished. Why is Kaepernick getting a paycheck from the white owner of his team? And what about those rich white fans, buying all that merchandise? Why can't Kaepernick see how great it is that white people have money? :(

Tomi really shows her age with this next point, though, asking: "Who's getting away with murder? I'd like to see some evidence to back that up, because that's a pretty strong claim." Whew. Tomi, do we have some news for you. Alright, we were going to wait until you were older, but...

Pictured: someone who got away with murder :/

Oh no. Now she's asking more questions. Tomi wants to know what happened in the past six years to make Kaepernick "resent his country." Yeesh, Tomi. Um, this might take a while. Maybe just start by Googling "Ferguson" and move forward from there. That's the Sparknotes version, at least.

Tomi gets confused right about here and after asking Kaepernick to please tell her why he's oppressed, answers her questions with statistics about black homicide rates, dropout rates, unemployment rates and food stamp percentages. Yeah, it's pretty bad, Tomi! So glad to see you did your homework.

Then she blames Obama. But that's okay. I didn't like Bill Clinton when I was a child either, Tomi. Mainly because the grown-ups near me pointed at a screen and said that he was a bad man. Are the grown ups around you saying bad things, Tomi? Blink once for no and repeatedly for yes.

Okay, I see. She says some other things, but it's drowned out by a sudden bout of vomit. Producers scramble to Tomi's side to clean off her face. This does not sit well with Tomi. She clenches her fists into tiny, tiny little balls and scrunches up her face, adorably, and lets loose her first "no-no" word. She says "damn." Granted, it's nestled inside of the word "responsibility" but I'm sure the irony is lost on her. Hey, she's a baby remember? Give her some credit for even making it this far without falling off the stool and giggling at her own toes.

The video continues on. Yada yada, "reverse racism." (Not a thing, Tomi!)

Tomi ends her session, winded and probably a little confused by all the lights (babies don't have great memories), by telling Kaepernick that he sucks. As if she doesn't remember what the prior three minutes were about. Don't worry though, Tomi. We got it all on tape.

It Was a Wild Ride

He awakens to the sound of harps. They are being played in the far-off distance, but it makes no difference. The sound carries unobstructed and soothes his ears as if they were right next to him. He looks at his hands first, the skin as taut as the day he turned eighteen. He can hardly believe it and, when he reaches for his phone to check his face, he finds nothing. Because he is wearing nothing.

Naked and confused, he observes his surroundings. White billowy clouds rest beneath him, impossibly holding him up and emitting a low hum. It is comforting, he decides. There is a stream that cuts through the middle and fish of all different colors jump and frolic. As he nears them, they do not slow their play and regard him without fear. Curious, he thinks.

He can feel a cool breeze between his thighs, an experience he had long forgotten, and years of embarrassment and shame seem to float away with it. He reaches a raised mount of clouds, no taller than he, but too thick to see over. He pushes his hand forward into the cloud and it parts for him, revealing a gate a few yards in front. It is pearly.

Guarding this gate stands a sentry, dressed immaculately. In his opinion, overly so. The sentry is neither male nor female, but visibly human. It extends a hand to him and lowers its eyes to meet his. It is tall, much taller than a human should be. He stares for some time before shrugging and accepting the sentry's hand. The hand is warm to the touch. He is not surprised.

The gates open and a burst of light emits from within, threatening to blind him. He tries to turn away but the sentry tugs at his arm and he understands that he must keep staring ahead. His vision goes white and it is as if his eyes melt away to reveal an entirely new pair. He can feel their freshness and they experience their first tears.

He sees for the first time. He sees everything he has ever wanted. And he lives happily ever after.

-For Gene 1933-2016

Conservatives Still Hate Appalachian State

I know, I know. I don't even go here. But that doesn't mean that stupidity has halted its evil crusade. This week in the Idiotic Global Tour 2016-Indefinitely, people got mad about paper. Namely, paper that insulted their fragile egos. Indeed, the privilege board, made popular by last year's brush with fame and fire, is back on campus and this time, it's front and center.

Ostensibly. I'm not actually there, so I can't really say for sure. But neither can the writers doing all the complaining. Campus Reform, a website dedicated to eradicating liberal intellectualism and (probably) nude art modeling, has taken the summer to replenish their tear ducts and come back to Appalachian once again to cry about the horrible shame foisted upon Appalachian's privileged many. 

"Appalachian State University students must walk past a 'privilege board' denouncing their white, male, able-bodied, Christian, or cisgender privilege any time they enter the Student Union. 

The bulletin board is located in Plemmons Student Union (PSU), which the school calls 'the centerpiece of the Appalachian campus,' and was apparently put up by a student group last semester, but has been allowed to remain in place to date."

It's all in the rhetoric here. Students "must walk" past the board translates roughly to: LO AND BEHOLD, SHEEPLE, FOR THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN BOLSHEVIKS WE ALL FEARED HAVE COME ALIVE AND THEY SEEK RETRIBUTION. KNEEL BEFORE YOUR SOCIALLY AWARE GODS AND LOOK UPON YOUR FATE!

"The PSU Mission Statement currently states that it is 'run by and for students,' and 'exists to create a safe and inclusive environment in which the Appalachian community strives to enhance students' academic achievement and social experience.'

The facility also maintains a web page outlining its advertising policies, which includes specific sections for banners, bulletin boards, marquees, and display cases. Registered student organizations are allowed to post banners and marquees advertising upcoming events for up to one week prior to the event, and may reserve display cases 'for event promotions' for up to two weeks. 

Similarly, the policy on bulletin boards states that 'advertisements must be for public events or membership recruitment functions held on campus, but cannot advertise weekly meetings,' and stipulates that 'flyers must be no larger than 11”x17"'"

I would honestly kill for the sort of coverage that the PSU bulletin board policy page is getting. Investigative journalism like this only comes around every decade or so. Speaking of journalism, the decidedly anti-journalism boys over at Breitbart News couldn't pass up the opportunity to get in on the action.

"A prominently displayed bulletin board at Appalachian State University has been taken over by campus collectivists in an effort to encourage certain students to 'check their privilege' during their daily walk to class.

The board is displayed in the Plemmons Student Union building, which ASU calls 'the centerpiece of the Appalachian campus.' The board contains various different posters that condemn white, male, cisgender, heterosexual, Christian, and able-bodied persons who are unaware of their inherent societal privilege."

Sound familiar? That's because it's pretty much THE SAME OPENING PARAGRAPH as the Campus Reform article! And that isn't even the most damning thing about it. The Breitbart writer takes on a far more pointed argument against the board, opining on the nuance of privilege and how, in the end, we're all minorities or something nearly as stupid as that. Aside from the use of the word "subgroups," other notable head-scratchers include:

"What the political right and left fail to realize, is that it is horribly unjust to rob individuals of their natural right to live freely, unmarred by judgments based on subgroups with whom they may or may not consciously have chosen to associate."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

That's fairly rich all things considered. Stephen K. Bannon, chairman of Breitbart News, was recently (four days ago) hired by none other than Donaldus J-us. Drumpfus to be his new campaign chief, a move heralded by David Duke, former Klan leader and current racist. Duke praised the move as part of the takeover of the Republican Party by he and his ilk. That vitriolic racists didn't already have control of the GOP is the real story here, I guess.

I digress. Pointing out wildly inconsistent ideologies held by a group of people grasping at electable morality is futile. The umbrage isn't that young white males may find themselves wetting their pants at the sight of their own privilege. Nor is it about violating the student union's bulletin board policy. It's about a bunch of thin-skinned whiners who are finding it harder and harder to be offensive dicks.

This privilege board has been a bee in conservative writers' bidets for some time now, and it is precisely what fear-mongers like Andrew Breitbart and Alex Jones (of Infowars) have been frothing at the mouth about for years. It is the supposed indoctrination of America's youth. But America's youth are the ones who put the board up in the first place, and much like me, they think your Campus Reform/Breitbart article is full of shit.

RIP Gawker

Gawker, for those of you that don't know, is ceasing operations after 14 years of operation. Gawker, for those of you that REALLY don't know, is a NYC-based media-gossip site and an unwitting party to the creation of this blog. The purview of this space has always been to analyze pop culture, media and politics with a side of snark, a model perfected by Gawker Media. So you'll have to forgive me beforehand, but it's hard to talk about Gawker's end without talking about my beginning.

I started really writing this blog around the same time that I discovered Gawker. It provided me with an example of writing that I had, at that time, not seen anywhere else. It was funny and sardonic, but it was also smart and well-researched. The writers injected attitude into otherwise dry proceedings. I had no idea writers were allowed to do this. It could actually be fun to write about the news.

This blog, for better or worse, was started with Gawker's philosophy in mind: is it true and is it interesting? I err on the side of truth, but I've always attempted to make it fun. To make it palatable for an audience that doesn't want to slog through the painfully dry and the suspiciously inaccessible.

Perhaps it's uncouth to say so, but I learned a lot about what I know about the media and politics via Gawker. I learned about social justice and privilege. Gawker Media, often via their site, Jezebel, was incredibly vigilant when it came to pointing out "lapses in judgement" (read: ignorant shit) by everyone from corporations to politicians to universities (including mine). I wouldn't be half as aware, woke or otherwise in-the-know about what's going on socially if it hadn't been for Gawker.

Gawker wasn't just knuckle-rapping, though. Writers routinely kept up with consistent problems (worker's rights and sexual assault allegations among them), and held those responsible accountable. Was it gossip? Yes. Was it also journalism? Of course.

What Gawker did well, it did incredibly well. Gossip, an oft-pejorative term for frivolous crap, was what they thrived on. Sometimes it was frivolous, but more often than not, it was entrenched in something deeper. They went after stories that old media would never touch, and confronted powerful people on things that many publications were too afraid to ask. Notorious for raising two hundred thousand dollars to get their hands on a video taken of then-Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, smoking crack, Gawker brought the late mayor's sordid dealings into the light.

Of course, when a website's main goal is to scrutinize those with the strongest desire not to be scrutinized, trouble is inevitable. Such is the doomed case of Gawker Media. After outing Facebook angel investor and co-founder of PayPal, Peter Thiel in 2007, Gawker was put in Thiel's sights. But this didn't come into the light until, mid-trial over Gawker's publishing of Hulk Hogan's sex tape, Thiel reveled himself as the financier of the case against Gawker and announced his years-long vendetta to take the website down. He has since succeeded, with Hogan winning the case and Gawker Media filing for bankruptcy.

Which brings us to today. Several of the higher-traffic Gawker Media sites (Jezebel, Deadspin, etc.) have been purchased by Univision, but Gawker.com, the flagship site, has been relegated to its grave. The site will cease operations by the end of the week and so too shall its revolution. Many in the media far better versed in Gawker's rise and fall will have surely written any number of thinkpieces and essays, and I urge you (should you have any interest) to read them. But as for me, I just have fond memories and a will to write. The latter of which might never have existed had it not been for Gawker.com. I still believe in the principles of "is it true and is it interesting" and standing up to outdated ideals. Gawker may soon be a thing of the past, but hopefully we can preserve some of what it introduced to the world.

Rest in peace, you snarky sons of bitches.