Tomi Needs a Time Out

Tomi Lahren, America's angriest child, is mad again. This time about sitting. You see, Tomi stayed up (presumably past her bedtime) to watch the latest 49ers game wherein quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, did not stand for the National Anthem. Because he's a communist? He was wearing red. Hmmmm.

Actually, Kaepernick was making a statement about race relations and the systemic oppression of people of color. Tomi, waving a chubby finger at the screen and teetering on her tiny, still unformed legs, was not amused. She managed to make her way to her Fischer Price telephone and dial the number of several camera people who, apparently, were okay filming a child's temper tantrum. Anything for money, right?

Tomi, in a fit of rage and child-like confusion, babbled for a good three and a half minutes about Kaepernick and his anti-America sentiments. Rumor has it that, instead of playing Mozart, Tomi's mommy played old tapes of Joseph McCarthy while she was pregnant. Adorable!

Tomi's deconstruction starts strong, promising to "eviscerate this mouth diarrhea, sentence by sentence." Same, Tomi. Same.

Dangling candy from behind the camera, producers caught these next few lines on camera:

I support the first amendment. I support your right to freedom of speech and expression. Go for it, bud. It's this country, the country that you have so much disdain for that allows you the right to speak your mind. It protects your right to be a whiny, indulgent, attention-seeking crybaby. It also protects my right to shred you for it.

Shred! Bud! Disdain! Tomi's vocabulary is impressive, considering she emerged from the womb not six months ago. But with precocious verbosity comes great confusion in the undeveloped mind. Evidently, wires crossed and Tomi began her rant by addressing herself. Tomi! It's a camera, not a mirror. They're still working on identifying objects with Tomi.

They have not, however, worked with Tomi on her geography. Or history. Or political science. Or economics. Or sociology. Or psychology. Or manners. And what do we all do when we don't know something? We imitate! Tomi, pulling from the deepest evolutionary well inside of her, imitates her conservative colleagues and whips out the sickest burn since 1776.

If this country disgusts you so much, leave!

And don't let the door hit you on the way out! Hahahahahaha. Oh, Tomi. You always know how to make me laugh. And I know how to make you laugh when I hide my face behind my hands and then show it again. Peekaboo always makes Tomi giggle uncontrollably. But she usually needs a nap afterwards. Anywho, Tomi goes on to sputter out some silly daydreams she's been having where the whole world is banging on the door to the United States to get in. I'm so proud of how creative Tomi is becoming. 

Is our country perfect, Tomi asks. No, she concedes, holding back tears. "But what have you done to make it better?" she asks. "What's your contribution? Sitting there like a fool?" Yeah, you're right little tyke! People who sit and contribute nothing of substance are the worst. You're growing up so fast.

You can't see it, but at this point there's a subtle break in the video where they had to stop filming to change someone's diaper. Apparently someone got a little worked up. I'm being told that someone is working on their self-control.

Getting back into the groove of things with a brand spankin' new set of Huggies to boost her confidence, Tomi stumbles on to another stray thought just banging around in her tiny, soft, delicate head. If Kaepernick hates white people so much, why is he white? Tomi, I think you're misunderstanding something here, but it's okay. You're a literal child so I wouldn't expect complex racial relations to make sense. Go on with your speech.

But Tomi is not finished. Why is Kaepernick getting a paycheck from the white owner of his team? And what about those rich white fans, buying all that merchandise? Why can't Kaepernick see how great it is that white people have money? :(

Tomi really shows her age with this next point, though, asking: "Who's getting away with murder? I'd like to see some evidence to back that up, because that's a pretty strong claim." Whew. Tomi, do we have some news for you. Alright, we were going to wait until you were older, but...

Pictured: someone who got away with murder :/

Oh no. Now she's asking more questions. Tomi wants to know what happened in the past six years to make Kaepernick "resent his country." Yeesh, Tomi. Um, this might take a while. Maybe just start by Googling "Ferguson" and move forward from there. That's the Sparknotes version, at least.

Tomi gets confused right about here and after asking Kaepernick to please tell her why he's oppressed, answers her questions with statistics about black homicide rates, dropout rates, unemployment rates and food stamp percentages. Yeah, it's pretty bad, Tomi! So glad to see you did your homework.

Then she blames Obama. But that's okay. I didn't like Bill Clinton when I was a child either, Tomi. Mainly because the grown-ups near me pointed at a screen and said that he was a bad man. Are the grown ups around you saying bad things, Tomi? Blink once for no and repeatedly for yes.

Okay, I see. She says some other things, but it's drowned out by a sudden bout of vomit. Producers scramble to Tomi's side to clean off her face. This does not sit well with Tomi. She clenches her fists into tiny, tiny little balls and scrunches up her face, adorably, and lets loose her first "no-no" word. She says "damn." Granted, it's nestled inside of the word "responsibility" but I'm sure the irony is lost on her. Hey, she's a baby remember? Give her some credit for even making it this far without falling off the stool and giggling at her own toes.

The video continues on. Yada yada, "reverse racism." (Not a thing, Tomi!)

Tomi ends her session, winded and probably a little confused by all the lights (babies don't have great memories), by telling Kaepernick that he sucks. As if she doesn't remember what the prior three minutes were about. Don't worry though, Tomi. We got it all on tape.