The Morning WTF: Washington DC Shooter Still on the Loose

Good morning and Happy Monday, you witty bastards. Some of you are new, some of you are old, and some of you are very confused non-English speakers that stumbled upon this blog by accident. Regardless of your level of intent, I invite you to stay, read, and be blessed with my never ending font of wit. But, as is customary here at The Daily Wit, a bodacious babe to kickstart your day:

She may be part of an evil system, but dayum. 

Weird: What Does The Fox Play? 

If you are an avid reader of The Daily Wit (I can't think of a reason that you wouldn't be), you may remember this video from a post several days back. The odd Norwegian attempt at satirical humor through the ever-confusing medium of music videos skyrocketed to....well, limited fame. Which is why it is even more confusing/hilarious/unsettling that the Ohio University (not the snobby one) marching band did a rendition of the song for their latest marching show.

Complete with accurate dance moves and a rightfully confused audience, the band's impressive routine earns them my praise. As a former marcher myself, I recognize the incredible difficulty of having to jump and play at the same time. But despite this praise-worthy performance, I am left wondering what spurned someone to create a marching routine after watching that video. All I really felt like doing was staring at a wall and twitching until the men in white coats took me away. But, I digress.

Topical: Shooting at DC Navy Yard Leaves Several Wounded

This JUST in (I've always wanted to say that), several people have been wounded after a shooting that took place at the Washington Navy Yard on Monday morning. The Post reports that at around 9:20 am, a police officer "was shot near the room where a lone gunman has barricaded himself after allegedly shooting at least three people." Reports as of now are saying that at least three, possibly four, people have been shot and wounded. The US Capitol Police have beefed up security at the Capitol. Police say, however, that the gunman is still on the loose and may be "hiding between floors."

Vincent Gray, Washington DC's mayor, took to Twitter this morning to dissuade people from going anywhere near the Navy Yard.

Pls stay clear of Navy Yard area just E of Nationals Park; multiple police agencies responding to gunman. #NavyYardShooting
— Vincent C. Gray (@mayorvincegray) September 16, 2013

In addition, the US Navy sent out the following tweet:

#BREAKING: #USNavy confirms several injuries with reports of fatalities at #NavyYardShooting. More to follow.
— U.S. Navy (@USNavy) September 16, 2013

The ordeal is ongoing and I will do my best to keep you up to date with breaking news via Twitter, but if you are really invested in this case, the aforementioned twitter accounts are worth following as well as The Washington Post. However, in my limited power, we here at The Daily Wit send our good thoughts, prayers, and support to those injured and those doing their best to stop this lone gunman.

10:31 AM Update: The New York Times is reporting that there may be at least one fatality.

Funny: And Now, This...

But let's briefly dispense with the morbidity and take a look at the hilarious. Alaskan men are well known for their tough and hardy demeanors. After all, having to suffer the excruciating Alaskan winters can't help but make a man out of you. But there are some men that transcend this gruff stereotype even further, preferring to break free from the mold and establish themselves as the manliest of men with the bushiest of beards. For one Alaskan man, it only took punching a grizzly bear in the face to accomplish this.

Jason Lauesen was just doing what we imagine all Alaskan natives do every day: sleeping in a tent. It was Labor Day and he was with his girlfriend, enjoying some much needed rest by tearing into the wilderness to sleep in the fucking cold. But at 6 AM, he was rudely awakened by a fellow camper.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR! DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST?"

Lauesen didn't have his glasses on, but he was well aware that this nosey neighbor happened to be a fucking grizzly bear. Rather than scream like a little girl, he grew his beard out an inch more and punched the bear in the fucking head like a champ. (Reports say that it could have been the paw that he punched, but we prefer to latch on to the 50% chance that it was a head) The bear proceeded to get the hell out of there because you don't screw with a man that punches bears in the head. No word yet on whether his girlfriend married him right there on the spot.

That's all for today, ladies and gents! Please be sure to share my content with your friends, family, and previous incarnations. Also, be sure to like my post and comment for maximum participation in the world of wit. I value your comments and observations greatly, of course. Don't forget to follow me on Twitter where I shall attempt to keep you up to date on the events currently occurring in Washington DC. Until next time (hopefully tomorrow)!