As you may recall, several months ago I implored you not to take part in the political theater and to vote based on the facts rather than charisma (Looking at you "every major news source currently fawning over Hill-Dawg's performance last night"). I still hold to that proposition and would recommend that you take a step back and actually do some research on the four candidates (and Christmas ham with a wig that was Jim Webb) that we saw on stage last night.
This being said, can we please talk about how ridiculously unprepared, awkward and hilariously out of place Lincoln Chafee was last night? There are deer in headlights and then there is Chafee.
Chafee, for those that may not know (read: literally everyone), is a former U.S. Senator from Rhode Island and the former Governor of Rhode Island. How he won either of these candidacies is still under investigation, though I imagine it has a lot to do with running for governor in a state whose population matches that of... half of Houston. Pretty much shoe-horned into his governorship because his daddy had held the seat 40 years prior, Chafee was seen as a fairly run-of-the-mill dude. Never much for charisma, there is very little to be found combing the internet about his time in the chair.
But that's fine. If all we were going for was bombastic politics and quotability, we'd be better suited just giving Donald Trump the keys to the White House and diving into the Atlantic. The main problem with Chafee is not his complete lack of likability, charm or wit: It's the fact that he has no idea what he believes or thinks.
Last night's biggest gaffe came when debate moderator and eyewear model, Anderson Cooper, asked Chafee about his decision to repeal Glass-Steagall, the very famous and well-lauded act that regulated big banks. Chafee, obviously taken aback and somehow not expecting this, shot back with something about his dad being dead and the fact that he was new to congress. When pressed further, he whined that Cooper was being "a little rough."
Um...
Look, is a decision Chafee made over a decade ago entirely relevant to his current candidacy for president, ESPECIALLY considering Most Popular Girl in School Clinton's history with flipping on the issues? Well, kinda. But still, is it really the most important thing that could be addressed on stage? Not at all. However. HOW. EVER. Responding to a question about a major lawmaking decision (that, arguably, cleared a path for the largest banking and housing crisis our country has ever seen) with "Hey, I was new!" is the worst possible fucking way you could answer said question.
This just supports the idea that Chafee has very little confidence in himself as a politician and, certainly, as a leader. His entire political career has been one giant revolving door of political parties, going from Republican to Independent and, finally, to Democrat during his tenure as governor. When asked about this last night, Chafee experienced his proudest moment as he gleefully exclaimed that he had not changed on the issues. But this isn't surprising for a man who clearly didn't feel much on the issues in the first place.
Chafee's campaign is a sham. His biggest and most name-brand supporter (via his website) is Senator Robert Byrd, a man who died five years ago. He is LITERALLY polling at 0%. No one wants this man to be president, probably not even Chafee at this point.
No, the sad truth of the matter is this: Chafee, Jim Webb and Martin "Monotone" O'Malley are all dead ringers so that no one notices Clinton is running unopposed. Bernie was supposed to be one of these sideline shows but he gained startling support and momentum from the Internet and a quickly growing fed-up-with-bullshit population. But the Democrats, probably since she lost the nomination back in '08 to Obama, have been grooming Hillary to be the perfect Presidential machine, playing up her storied political history and womanhood. Chafee is just a step in the ladder of bozos Hillary is using to finally get into the White House.
Alas, Chafee, we will probably see you drop out of the race here within the next month (we suggest within the next 24 hours). Your most interesting quality is that you once did cocaine "several times" in college. But even Bush beat you to that punchline. I guess it's just time to hang up your goofy ties, hand in your sweat-laced microphone and make way for someone who has an actual dog in this fight.
(#FeelTheBern)
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