A Brief Explanation of the Government Shutdown

Just when we thought the government couldn't fuck up any more things, they actually shut down themselves. Welcome to post-government shutdown America, friends. Let's jump right in and figure out what the hell that means.

Fuck you, guys.

If you're like me, when the news of the government shutdown reached you, you likely shrugged and continued about your day. But for many Americans (including you), this could be a major fucking problem.  Economic collapse notwithstanding, the National Park System will be closing down, 400,000 civilian government employees may be sent home, and people looking to get loans may be told to go screw themselves.  On the bright side, the IRS won't be auditing anyone for a bit. (But you still have to pay your taxes.) 

To put it quite plainly, during this "dark period," (which is the first one in 17 years, by the way) the government discontinues services that are deemed nonessential. The mail will still run and the military will still remain intact, but plenty of other services (including trash collection in DC) will be suspended. Now, for your average American citizen, this doesn't mean jack shit in the short run. But give it a while, and our economy will start seeing adverse effects. Not to mention, hundreds of thousands of federal employees will literally not be receiving an income until the President signs a spending bill. 

The shutdown is a result of the House and Senate refusing to agree on a bill, due to House GOP vehemently disagreeing with the inclusion of funding for the Affordable Care Act. On Monday night, House Republicans attempted to engage in a conference in order to "negotiate the differences between the House and Senate bills" but Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) refused the offer. Whether or not this was a last ditch effort by Republicans to appeal to the nation and appear negotiable is up for debate. The unfortunate state of the country remains, however, and because the government refused to get along, millions of people will be negatively affected. The true icing on the cake is that Obamacare, the very program Republicans were trying to stop, will be going into effect anyway, despite desperate attempts to defund it. 

I hope I was able to explain the shutdown a little better for anyone who might have been confused. I know I still am. It's a shame we live in a country where legal jargon is so goddamn complicated that only the assholes that dictate the laws can understand it. But I will do my best to keep up with this and continue to put out the facts as I see them. If you're a government worker, I wish you the best in this difficult time. Thank you for reading today and share/comment on/like my shit so that I can reach more eyes and ears of eager citizens, waiting to be blessed with wit and half-informed opinion. Until next time! 

In "Defense" of the Sanford Mall Preachers

This post, while directed at the students of my school, is applicable to everyone. In an age where the Westboro Baptist Church is met with a collective societal sigh, its a good bet that nobody is REALLY taking them seriously. Sure, there is a fringe group of crazies that latch on to their ideologies, but for the most part, we as a society have transcended the Puritan ideals of old and have settled for either a tamer religious doctrine or no religion at all. Being a student at a liberal college like Appalachian, I am surrounded by mostly the latter. Indeed, when the preachers invade Sanford Mall and spout their hate speech and proclaim King James's word as the only word, there is a sense of camaraderie that rises in the heart of every smart ass college kid with a chip on his shoulder. Which is nice, I guess. But it doesn't help things. 

Though it is fun...

The preachers come to Appalachian with one purpose: to be heard. I highly doubt they have any notion of actually "saving" anybody with their rhetoric nor do they expect to be loved upon arrival. They come to talk and, from a psychological standpoint, reaffirm their belief through repetition of the same shit over and over again. As anyone that has gone out to Sanford Mall has seen, these men are brick walls, expelling information but receiving none. To shout back at them does not help. It merely tells them that you are listening and that they should continue shouting. Furthermore, it makes you looks like an asshole. Now, to be clear, civil discourse through genuine questions is perfectly acceptable. That implies you are actually hoping to receive information back. But when I see students shouting in these preachers' faces, I see the same ignorance and stupidity that the self-proclaimed saints are displaying.

You can protest their movement with love and kindness, but to protest it with hateful words and red-faced fury, shows you are no better than they are. You are allowing yourself to become a slave to narrow-minded thinking, disregarding the thoughts of others. We already know that what they are shouting is bullshit. But that's not why people get angry at them. It's not that they are Christians that bothers us. Rather, it is their complete lack of willingness to sit down and talk with us like we are equals. It's the condescension and presumptuous manner in which they present their argument. If you shout back at them and call them terrible names, what makes you any better? You may as well be out there holding a sign of your own, proclaiming your own religion.

In short, be like this girl: 

Civil disobedience. 

You can disagree while still holding on to your civility and human decency. This girl displayed that and, for that, she is our bodacious babe of the day. We here at The Daily Wit salute you, ma'am.

Ted Cruz Really Hates Obamacare

Beginning at 2:41 PM, resident "wacko bird", Ted Cruz (R-Texas) launched what is being called a "faux filibuster" in an attempt to scare congress into defunding the Affordable Care Act (read: Obamacare). He is still currently (as of 9:51 PM on September 24, 2013) on the floor of the senate. You can watch his filibuster here.

Update: As of 10:01 AM on September 25th, 2013, Ted Cruz is STILL talking and has been on his feet for over 19 hours. 

Among the weird shit he has used to fill his speech, one of particular media interest (because apparently Kenya got too boring) is his random announcement that his father created green eggs and ham.  Ok. But what the fuck is actually going on? Gawker put together a very informative piece explaining the ins and outs of Ted Cruz and his position on the issue.

The man of the hour....and the past six hours before it.

Correction: I stated earlier that if no one gave into Cruz's "fauxlibuster" that our nation would default on its debts. This is not the case. His was merely a symbolic gesture (and an annoyance) to pressure his fellow congressmen to defund Obamacare. (Which, as it would seem, can't happen anyways because it has already been implemented for the most part and upheld by the Supreme Court.) So.....cool story, Ted?

It should be noted, however, that he has severely cut down on the time in which congress would have to discuss the bill to continue funding our nation. Thus, his gesture, while not very effective in defunding Obamacare, was detrimental to the quality of the bills in question.

The Morning WTF: Clown Terrifies Town and Me

Happy Thursday and welcome back to The Daily Wit! Today, we take a look at pirates, clowns, and Republicans. Unsurprisingly, the latter is doing the most damage. But, before we jump into the world of wit, a bodacious babe to brighten your day.

Nerdgasms imminent. 

Weird: Clown Terrorizes Town; Doesn't See the Harm 

When I first saw the movie adaptation of Stephen King's It, I don't think I slept for two weeks. Just the mere concept of an evil clown terrorizing a small town sent me into a state of pure horror. But through all the nights of hiding under my covers, there was always a part of me that knew that it wasn't real; that it was just a fiction that couldn't hurt me. Dear readers, it is with great displeasure that I now inform you that this is no longer the case. 

Recently, in the town of Northampton, England, there has been a man dressed as a terrifying clown standing around, scaring innocent passerby with his Satanic getup. Up until recently, there was no rhyme or reason to his activities other than, apparently, creating nightmares and future mental scarring for all the neighborhood children. But, out of the blue, the man sat down for an anonymous interview with the Northampton Chronicle and Echo in which he explained that he was just trying to "amuse people." While this newfound information is certainly better than "I just wanted to scout out the next victim to hack to pieces" it doesn't exactly make up for the days of terror that was brought down upon the town of Northampton. Then again, maybe it was all just a ploy to drive tourism to their town. 

Only slightly less terrifying than Disney World.

Topical: Government Shutdown Imminent 

Pursuant to the norm, the United States government is very close to defaulting on its debts because it can't agree on anything. There are two bills to be passed: one to continue funding our ever-effective government and the other to increase our borrowing limit. But the House GOP is refusing to pass either of these until they can force Dems to drop all funding for the Affordable Care Act, affectionately known as Obamacare. Republicans, who have a history of saying no to things, are once again demonstrating that they are willing to put our country in jeopardy for their own gain. 

But to claim that this is a partisan issue would be naive and unfair. Democrats, rather than try and work with Republicans to come to a deal on the Affordable Care Act, are gleefully jumping up and down and doing their best to win their elections in 2014 by turning their constituents' attention to the Republican-Democrat standoff. They're calling it the "GOP Shutdown Watch" and claim it is to "hold Republican Senate candidates accountable." Which would be nice if it wasn't a positive attention-seeking gambit to hold on to their precious seats. Perhaps I'm just being cynical, though. Unfortunately, it's far more likely that we live in a country with a government that values its paycheck infinitely more than the well being of its citizens. 

Funny: Pirate Newsman Improvs His Lines

Today, September 19th, is widely known as "Talk Like a Pirate Day." For family friendly news outlets and companies across the nation, it's a chance to make as many awful puns as possible and disintegrate every funny bone they come in contact with. The words "booty" and "arr" become synonymous with "asshole"and "unfunny loser." But, for all its unfortunate side effects, there's a silver lining to be found. The following video is one newsman's pirate routine gone wrong. Long story short, the teleprompter cuts off mid-bit and requires him to go off script. Impressively, he stays in character but the language definitely gets a little saltier at the end. 

To the intern that "accidentally" cut off the teleprompter, we here at The Daily Wit salute you. Now go get us coffee and you're fired. 

That's all for today's post, ladies and gentlemen. I am well aware that it is no longer morning, but I figured that it would be better to stay consistent with the title of my posts and strive to churn these out in the morning as opposed to giving myself an out by having the ability to label them as "Afternoon" or "Evening." But, that's neither here nor there. Please, as always, share my post with your friends, family, and stalkers. Also, be sure to like and comment on my posts in order to spread the good news (and wit) to those of my friends that have a habit of scrolling past my lovely posts. Until next time! 

The Morning WTF: Washington DC Shooter Still on the Loose

Good morning and Happy Monday, you witty bastards. Some of you are new, some of you are old, and some of you are very confused non-English speakers that stumbled upon this blog by accident. Regardless of your level of intent, I invite you to stay, read, and be blessed with my never ending font of wit. But, as is customary here at The Daily Wit, a bodacious babe to kickstart your day:

She may be part of an evil system, but dayum. 

Weird: What Does The Fox Play? 

If you are an avid reader of The Daily Wit (I can't think of a reason that you wouldn't be), you may remember this video from a post several days back. The odd Norwegian attempt at satirical humor through the ever-confusing medium of music videos skyrocketed to....well, limited fame. Which is why it is even more confusing/hilarious/unsettling that the Ohio University (not the snobby one) marching band did a rendition of the song for their latest marching show.

Complete with accurate dance moves and a rightfully confused audience, the band's impressive routine earns them my praise. As a former marcher myself, I recognize the incredible difficulty of having to jump and play at the same time. But despite this praise-worthy performance, I am left wondering what spurned someone to create a marching routine after watching that video. All I really felt like doing was staring at a wall and twitching until the men in white coats took me away. But, I digress.

Topical: Shooting at DC Navy Yard Leaves Several Wounded

This JUST in (I've always wanted to say that), several people have been wounded after a shooting that took place at the Washington Navy Yard on Monday morning. The Post reports that at around 9:20 am, a police officer "was shot near the room where a lone gunman has barricaded himself after allegedly shooting at least three people." Reports as of now are saying that at least three, possibly four, people have been shot and wounded. The US Capitol Police have beefed up security at the Capitol. Police say, however, that the gunman is still on the loose and may be "hiding between floors."

Vincent Gray, Washington DC's mayor, took to Twitter this morning to dissuade people from going anywhere near the Navy Yard.

Pls stay clear of Navy Yard area just E of Nationals Park; multiple police agencies responding to gunman. #NavyYardShooting
— Vincent C. Gray (@mayorvincegray) September 16, 2013

In addition, the US Navy sent out the following tweet:

#BREAKING: #USNavy confirms several injuries with reports of fatalities at #NavyYardShooting. More to follow.
— U.S. Navy (@USNavy) September 16, 2013

The ordeal is ongoing and I will do my best to keep you up to date with breaking news via Twitter, but if you are really invested in this case, the aforementioned twitter accounts are worth following as well as The Washington Post. However, in my limited power, we here at The Daily Wit send our good thoughts, prayers, and support to those injured and those doing their best to stop this lone gunman.

10:31 AM Update: The New York Times is reporting that there may be at least one fatality.

Funny: And Now, This...

But let's briefly dispense with the morbidity and take a look at the hilarious. Alaskan men are well known for their tough and hardy demeanors. After all, having to suffer the excruciating Alaskan winters can't help but make a man out of you. But there are some men that transcend this gruff stereotype even further, preferring to break free from the mold and establish themselves as the manliest of men with the bushiest of beards. For one Alaskan man, it only took punching a grizzly bear in the face to accomplish this.

Jason Lauesen was just doing what we imagine all Alaskan natives do every day: sleeping in a tent. It was Labor Day and he was with his girlfriend, enjoying some much needed rest by tearing into the wilderness to sleep in the fucking cold. But at 6 AM, he was rudely awakened by a fellow camper.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR! DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST?"

Lauesen didn't have his glasses on, but he was well aware that this nosey neighbor happened to be a fucking grizzly bear. Rather than scream like a little girl, he grew his beard out an inch more and punched the bear in the fucking head like a champ. (Reports say that it could have been the paw that he punched, but we prefer to latch on to the 50% chance that it was a head) The bear proceeded to get the hell out of there because you don't screw with a man that punches bears in the head. No word yet on whether his girlfriend married him right there on the spot.

That's all for today, ladies and gents! Please be sure to share my content with your friends, family, and previous incarnations. Also, be sure to like my post and comment for maximum participation in the world of wit. I value your comments and observations greatly, of course. Don't forget to follow me on Twitter where I shall attempt to keep you up to date on the events currently occurring in Washington DC. Until next time (hopefully tomorrow)!

Remembering 9/11

This is the hardest thing I have had to write on this blog thus far. I have written a paragraph and deleted it about 5 times now and I'm even more lost than I was before. But, I suppose a day like today isn't supposed to be easy to write about. It should be difficult to swallow and emotionally arduous. Sure, it would be easy (and, perhaps, even accepted) to write a long piece condemning the "2 million" bikers riding to DC in protest of the Muslim march. I could point out that the event being organized by these Musims, the Million American March Against Fear, is a show of solidarity rather than an attempt to create a rift between the cultures. But these criticisms and observations, however innocent, would be an insult to what this day is really about.

Some of the victims on that fateful day 12 years ago were bikers, I'm sure. Some were Muslims. But that's not what we remember about them. We remember them as people who were wrongfully murdered by madmen. We remember the 2,606 people who perished when the World Trade Center was hit and the 125 who died in the Pentagon. We remember that 87 people died aboard Flight 11, 59 people died aboard Flight 77, and 60 people died aboard Flight 175. We remember the 40 valiant men and women of Flight 93 who fought back, saving countless lives. We remember the numerous first responders who showed up to help immediately after the attacks and we remember the citizens of New York City who worked together to find some light in one of the darkest days of human history.

It may be 12 years after the fact, but we are still feeling the effects of September 11, 2001. Only three years ago, a 9/11 First Responders Bill was filibustered by the Senate GOP. Luckily, a revised version was eventually passed, giving out health benefits to many policemen, firefighters, and other emergency personnel who are still suffering health problems from being on the scene immediately after the attack.

If you are in New York City or nearby, I urge you to stop by the 9/11 Memorial and take a minute to just let it sink in. I don't say this in an attempt to shame people into emotion, but to urge respect for the thousands who need to be remembered over the sounds of protests and motorcycles. You don't have to march or protest or even write a blog post today. Today, you just need to remember.

(Thanks for reading my blog, guys. Please share this post with your friends and family. It was heavy hitting today and there wasn't an ounce of wit, but I felt it would be inappropriate to try and turn anything concerning today into something I could mock.)

The Evening WTF: Obama Tries Really Hard

Welcome to The Daily Wit! If you're a veteran reader, welcome back. If you're just now arriving to the party, fuck you and your hipster shit. But welcome regardless. Today we look at news, the best sex tape ever, and a video that will leave you twitching. But before that, let's take a moment to admire our bodacious babe of the day.

For once, the picture is relevant. But we'll get to that later.

Weird: What the fuck did I just watch? 

You don't hear much about Norway. I suppose we should. It has a fantastic health care system and "practically free education" among many other things.  But despite its social leaps past countries like the United States, that's not what I find so fascinating about the country. My fascination lies far beyond the mountains of Scandinavia and deep into the heart of Norway. So deep that I found this fucking video. Watch it to the end and allow yourself some time to recover. 

I'm assuming you've watched it so: What the fucking fuck? I realize that the video is supposed to be Lonely Island-esque in its humor, but my god it's uncomfortable and weird. I'm not sure which disturbed me more, the old man in the rocking chair or the badly done CGI fox at the end making a noise that I am quite sure foxes do not make. I could go on and on about the strange experience that just occurred, but I believe one of the top YouTube commenters put it best: "that's it. too much Internet today." 

Topical: White House Tries Really Hard

In light of the recent Syria debacle, the White House has been receiving a lot of flak for being, well, war mongers. After receiving congressional support, Obama went on to assure the American people that this was the best course of action. They were not convinced. But this did not deter the President as he went on to do the only logical thing in an age of internet crazed millennials: he created a web page.  Alright, I'm sure HE didn't create it, but his assistants (read: lackeys) did. The website is supposed to be a source of information in order to convince the American public that invading Syria is the right decision. However, when the government that is desperately trying to justify its fuck ups (supplying weapons to rebels) presents you with "facts" and "statistics" there's a lot of room for skepticism. The whole thing stinks to high heaven and comes off sounding condescending and pandering. The entire page hinges on the very recent discovery that Syria reportedly used Sarin gas on its citizens. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. It's a perfectly reasonable conclusion, but pardon us if we'd prefer getting our information from somewhere other than the White House website. 

In other depressing(?) news, Ariel Castro, the kidnapper of several girls in Cleveland, hanged himself in prison before he could serve his plus 1,000 year sentence. He reportedly used a bedsheet to commit the act and was found on Tuesday night. On the one hand, a brutal monster has left the world, but there's some amount of justice that seems left unserved. He deserved to rot in solitary confinement for life after the years of torture he put those women through. But, alas, at least he will do no harm anymore. 

Funny: Alyssa Milano Makes Syria Sexy

On a lighter(ish) note, actress Alyssa Milano released a "sex tape" on the website, Funny or Die and....well, I'll just let you watch it and decide for yourself if it's the hottest sex tape to be released. You can find it here. Warning: The content within is of a sensitive nature and should be viewed with discretion. 

That's it for The Evening WTF, boys and girls! I'm slowly gaining back my blogging momentum but its a slow process. Bear with me and I promise The Daily Wit will return to its former glory. Until then, be sure to like and comment on my shit so that I know my content is being seen by all of your lovely faces. Also, take a minute to share my posts with your friends, family, and local poltergeists. The more faces that see my posts, the better. Until next time, my witty brethren! 

The Evening WTF: KKK Hangs Out With the NAACP

Blogging is hard, guys. Let's just get past my procrastination and enjoy that writing is appearing on your screens. Today is a day rife with news and weird going-ons around the country/world we inhabit. I am here, as usual, to condense it and deliver it to you with as much snark as I can muster from the recesses of my witty brain. But, as is tradition, I present you with our lovely lady of the day:

If your nerd senses aren't tingling, you lack culture.

Weird: NAACP Chills With Ku Klux Klan 

There have been a few occurrences in the history of mankind where two very different parties came together in a weird, collaborative meeting in which both hoped to gain. The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth and had a picnic with some Native Americans; the Americans teamed up with the Soviets to take down Hitler; and LL Cool J did an awful song with Brad Paisley called "Accidental Racist." Seriously, that happened. Go look it up. But none of these weird alliances could ever top the meeting that just occurred in Wyoming.

After several beatings of black men in the nearby town of Gillette, Wyoming, Jimmy Simmons of the NAACP considered rallying against the KKK after seeing their pamphlets being passed around town. But then an interesting thought entered Simmons's head. What if they just talked? And talk they did.  After much correspondence and heavy security on both sides, Simmons was able to convince John Abarr of the United Klans of America to speak with him about the hate crimes. They sat down at a conference table in the Parkway Plaza Hotel and just fucking talked. These two people who are, by all laws of the universe, supposed to despise each other just spoke. Abarr made uncomfortably racist comments, but it was a civil discussion. 

Being racist can be fun!

Simmons got down to business and they discussed the hate crimes which Abarr condemned and claims that the Klan is a nonviolent group. (All those lynchings aside, of course) But the weirdness didn't stop there. Later on in the meeting, Simmons invites Abarr to join the NAACP. Abarr's response?

“I wouldn’t have a problem with joining the NAACP.”

What? How? Why? I don't even know, guys. The world is so fucking complicated and I don't have time to philosophize too deeply. But there you have it: A high ranking Klansmen just became a member of the NAACP.

Topical: Boehner Backs Obama

House Speaker and chronic weeper John Boehner just announced his support for Obama's call for action in Syria. Further congressional support came from House Majority leader Eric Cantor in a recent statement.  So what does this mean to you? Well, for starters, it's another chance for us to burst into a Middle Eastern country all gung ho and pretend like we're helping. We do have a knack for that. (In case you've forgotten.) But further than just that, it unveils a darker side to the American political system. For a self-appointed Progressive like President Obama to declare war and foam at the mouth merely lifts up the veneer of democracy to uncover the war mongering politicians that currently populate DC. But, alas, I am editorializing.

Take what you will from the GOP support for Obama's war in Syria (especially considering the long history of attempting to block everything he has ever done) but here are the facts:

-Our government has supplied the Syrian rebels with weapons in the past and are probably going to do it again. 
-Secretary of State John Kerry has claimed that the Syrian government used Sarin gas on its people.
-And our government has not taken "boots on the ground" off the table yet.

At this point, there seems to be an attempt to create moral outcry amongst the American people in order to relieve the sting of sending more soldiers to war after years of bloody relations in the Middle East. The unusually dramatic response to the possible use of Sarin was far more pandering than informative. But that's all the information we have at this point. We here at The Daily Wit have done the research, but there's such a bevy of different sources and pieces to read that it's impossible to get the whole picture. Thus, I will do my best to report the facts and interpret them as intelligently as I can, but I rely on my readers (you) to point mistakes and give intelligent feedback in the form of hard facts or even valid opinions. If we are going to go to war (again) I'd prefer it to be with an informed populace. I'll do my best to fit into that category.

Funny: Movie Trailer Guy Follows People

You ever wonder what movie trailer announcers do when they aren't doing voice work for Hollywood movie previews? They apparently follow people around and narrate what they're doing. This video is surprisingly hilarious because not only is the voice absolutely perfect, but the observations are pretty damn funny as well. Watch this guy freak out a lot of people and sound amazing in the process.


That's it for The Evening WTF! I apologize for being vacant in the mornings but I have fairly early classes and I only love you guys between the hours of 9:30 and, well, 9:30 PM. I'll try to get a post out tomorrow evening as well but I cannot promise anything. Regardless, share my shit with your friends, family, and neighborhood strays. Be sure to like and comment with your thoughts, opinions, and grievances as well. I love to read your criticisms almost as much as I love going to the dentist. Until next time!