The Morning WTF: Clown Terrifies Town and Me

Happy Thursday and welcome back to The Daily Wit! Today, we take a look at pirates, clowns, and Republicans. Unsurprisingly, the latter is doing the most damage. But, before we jump into the world of wit, a bodacious babe to brighten your day.

Nerdgasms imminent. 

Weird: Clown Terrorizes Town; Doesn't See the Harm 

When I first saw the movie adaptation of Stephen King's It, I don't think I slept for two weeks. Just the mere concept of an evil clown terrorizing a small town sent me into a state of pure horror. But through all the nights of hiding under my covers, there was always a part of me that knew that it wasn't real; that it was just a fiction that couldn't hurt me. Dear readers, it is with great displeasure that I now inform you that this is no longer the case. 

Recently, in the town of Northampton, England, there has been a man dressed as a terrifying clown standing around, scaring innocent passerby with his Satanic getup. Up until recently, there was no rhyme or reason to his activities other than, apparently, creating nightmares and future mental scarring for all the neighborhood children. But, out of the blue, the man sat down for an anonymous interview with the Northampton Chronicle and Echo in which he explained that he was just trying to "amuse people." While this newfound information is certainly better than "I just wanted to scout out the next victim to hack to pieces" it doesn't exactly make up for the days of terror that was brought down upon the town of Northampton. Then again, maybe it was all just a ploy to drive tourism to their town. 

Only slightly less terrifying than Disney World.

Topical: Government Shutdown Imminent 

Pursuant to the norm, the United States government is very close to defaulting on its debts because it can't agree on anything. There are two bills to be passed: one to continue funding our ever-effective government and the other to increase our borrowing limit. But the House GOP is refusing to pass either of these until they can force Dems to drop all funding for the Affordable Care Act, affectionately known as Obamacare. Republicans, who have a history of saying no to things, are once again demonstrating that they are willing to put our country in jeopardy for their own gain. 

But to claim that this is a partisan issue would be naive and unfair. Democrats, rather than try and work with Republicans to come to a deal on the Affordable Care Act, are gleefully jumping up and down and doing their best to win their elections in 2014 by turning their constituents' attention to the Republican-Democrat standoff. They're calling it the "GOP Shutdown Watch" and claim it is to "hold Republican Senate candidates accountable." Which would be nice if it wasn't a positive attention-seeking gambit to hold on to their precious seats. Perhaps I'm just being cynical, though. Unfortunately, it's far more likely that we live in a country with a government that values its paycheck infinitely more than the well being of its citizens. 

Funny: Pirate Newsman Improvs His Lines

Today, September 19th, is widely known as "Talk Like a Pirate Day." For family friendly news outlets and companies across the nation, it's a chance to make as many awful puns as possible and disintegrate every funny bone they come in contact with. The words "booty" and "arr" become synonymous with "asshole"and "unfunny loser." But, for all its unfortunate side effects, there's a silver lining to be found. The following video is one newsman's pirate routine gone wrong. Long story short, the teleprompter cuts off mid-bit and requires him to go off script. Impressively, he stays in character but the language definitely gets a little saltier at the end. 

To the intern that "accidentally" cut off the teleprompter, we here at The Daily Wit salute you. Now go get us coffee and you're fired. 

That's all for today's post, ladies and gentlemen. I am well aware that it is no longer morning, but I figured that it would be better to stay consistent with the title of my posts and strive to churn these out in the morning as opposed to giving myself an out by having the ability to label them as "Afternoon" or "Evening." But, that's neither here nor there. Please, as always, share my post with your friends, family, and stalkers. Also, be sure to like and comment on my posts in order to spread the good news (and wit) to those of my friends that have a habit of scrolling past my lovely posts. Until next time!