Don't Fuck With Google

Disclaimer: I wrote this post bored in a car on my phone. Links are unsightly so I apologize for that. On with the post! 

Unless you regularly follow the exploits of Silicon Valley, you're probably unaware of the recent debacle involving Rap Genius and Google. Indeed, the former has been involved in dubious SEO tactics for some time now, royally pissing off the search engine giant. Today, the world learned what happens when a website gives Google the middle finger.

I want you to open up a new tab right now and Google "rap genius." You're sure to see a lot of financial and tech magazine stories concerning this story, but I'd be willing to bet that you won't find the actual Rap Genius website on the first page. Or the second page. Or, hell, even the third page. I know because I've checked. The site doesn't appear in the results until you go all the way to the fifth page. No one goes to the fifth fucking page. 

So what does this mean? Well, the website may still exist, but without the coveted first page spot, its traffic is sure to suffer a hit. For more information concerning their transgressions that brought them to this point, read more here. But I think we can all walk away from this one with a pretty clear message: you don't fuck with Google.

Edit: Fixed links. 

Justin Bieber Officially Announces Retirement

In the spirit of giving, singer and professional douchebag, Justin Bieber has announced his retirement, giving the world a reprieve from his god-awful assault on music. Of course, anyone with half a brain should view this announcement with skepticism as popular performers have a proclivity for publicity stunts such as this. 

But, publicity stunt or not, this announcement is sure to guarantee us at least some amount of time without hearing of the young chanteuse (gender notwithstanding) and his exploits. Perhaps his retirement will grant him some time to retrieve his fucking monkey. 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) December 25, 2013

'Twas The Night Before Witmas

'Twas the night before Witmas, when all through the web
Not a story was stirring, no drunken celebs.

The snark and the smarm no longer prepared,

For some young dumb moron with idiocy to share.

The stories lie dormant, all snug in their sites,

While knowing that Wit could wait for a night.

And my Macbook was closed, and I in my bed,

Giving no fucks that "Whatshisname's" dead.

When out in the net, stupidity did rear,
I rose from my slumber, for trouble was near.

Away to my keyboard I flew like a bird,
For I knew it was time for wit to be heard.

When there on my screen, there appeared such a sight, 

Of satire so butchered, t'would give Twain a fright.

And out from the crap, a shape did appear.
'Twas an apple so rotten that it brought me to tears.

It jumped and it joked and it tried it's very best,
But no one around did it so impress.

Yet continued it did, with its same tired bit,
Gleefully conjuring up some of this shit:

"Now, poop jokes! Now, drug jokes with high students famished!
On chancellor's vomitting, and Black Friday mammoths!

To our unnoticed Twitter! To our shit Facebook wall!
Poop jokes, poop jokes, poop jokes for all!"

As bathroom jokes come, these ones were quite crude,
So bad and so frivolous they darkened my mood.

I typed and I typed with all of my might,
In an effort to send these dumb jokes out of sight.

But try as I would, my blog posts afire,
The apple did roll, ignoring the mire.
However dumb and how banal their articles may be,
They pressed on and they did so with merciless glee.

The apple got closer and I saw its true form,
When out from its top, there emerged a great worm.
The worm did squirm while it enjoyed eating turds,
All the while thinking, "That's the best joke they've heard!"

With every new bad bit of humor it wrote,
I threw up my hands with despair and lost hope.
Oscar would certainly be quite ashamed,
And no doubt right now turing over in his grave.

Even as I stared into the abyss of this fruit,
I knew that my fight was not helpless, not moot.
So continued I did on my crusade for good,
For this humor so bad had stayed longer than it should.

I found it within me, the power of wit,
To vanquish these foes and stop this dumb shit.
The apple did roar, its power depleted,
But I knew that my task was not yet completed.

I informed the masses of this humor so rot,
That calling it satire should be put to a stop.
My friends they did nod in somber approval,
This fruit, they agreed, was in need of removal.

But just as we thought we had beaten our foes,
From the ashes of war, the apple arose.
It spoke in a whisper, just loud enough to say,
"We'll be back, motherfuckers. We'll be back Christmas Day."

I Have Found The Worst Person

Friends, as you gather around your big, awkward families this Christmas and roll your eyes as your grandmother asks you, for the umpteenth time, why you're single (I'm focusing on my career, grandma!!) just be thankful that you don't have to deal with this person. This motherfucking person. I have had the displeasure of being exposed to this loud and boisterous noisemaker for the past couple of days. This purveyor of pointless drivel. This never ending font of words. Lemme tell ya bout this goddamn human.

This person enters a room by shrieking with delight at every new hand she shakes. She believes it necessary to feign the same goddamn excitement for every new contact she makes. I like to imagine she installs a different voice box depending on the occasion in order to maintain irritating consistency throughout. This person assaults you with words when you least want them. This person is a goddamn human Twitter feed, chirping incessantly about mundane and irrelevant shit that she observes around her and then loosely applying it to her own annoying life. She runs around the table and takes pictures of food that she isn't eating and manages to piss you off without even speaking (one of the few occasions in which she isn't).

Woe to thee who manages to find himself alone with this goddamn annoyance incarnate. She has a smart phone that isn't a phone but a "notepad" or some other pedantic fucking thing. With this phone (which comes with a fucking stylus) she regales you with stories of her cousins and how they, indeed, made it through one more year of life without offing themselves at the thought of ever having to hear her voice again. Should another soul attempt to fill the quickly condensing air with their own oxygen, she is quick to cut them off and piggy back their story with a random assortment of her own words.

Should your animal accidentally stumble into the room when this person is occupying it, send a little prayer up into the sky. This human fire alarm will be quick to screech with delight and chase this poor creature, causing millennia-old primal instincts to bubble to the surface for your pet as it runs in fear.

This person boils over with such insecure positivity that any negative comment made in jest is immediately shot down and replaced with a happier, bubblier reality in keeping with her own, unfortunate existence. This person cannot help but describe her menial achievements at every turn and smile with such self-congratulatory praise that one must physically hold back the hand that naturally gravitates towards her stupid, grinning face.

The over-sharer. The babbler. The way-too-fucking-happy-all-the-goddamn-time. The banshee that haunts your social media. This. Motherfucking. Person. Don't be this person. And should you have a stroke of bad luck and happen to come across this person, may God have mercy on your soul.

More Duck Dynasty Fun: Featuring A Lot More Homosexuality!

Following yesterday's events, I'm sure the last two words anyone really wants to read at this point are Duck and Dynasty, but there are a couple supplemental facts and tidbits to the whole situation that I'd like to share with you, if only for fun.

On rare occasions, in our random internet perusal, we will stumble upon something so perfect and so sweet that to not share it would be, well, a sin. And speaking of sin, let's briefly focus on something that made me laugh like an immature schoolboy.

Scott Gurney is the executive producer for Duck Dynasty. But before he got into producing reality television, he was an actor. Among his repertoire of roles, I found a particularly interesting character he played in 2002 in a movie titled The Fluffer. 

Yep, it's that kind of fluffer. 

In the film, Gurney plays a gay porn actor who develops an interesting relationship with a young man that becomes his, you guessed it, fluffer. For those unfamiliar with this colloquial term, allow me to direct you towards the all-knowing Urban Dictionary.  This fact doesn't really have any bearing nor does it serve as a worthy argument against the events brought to light yesterday, but it's certainly worthy of a chuckle and makes the situation that much sweeter.

In other, slightly more serious news, Jon Stewart said his piece concerning Robertson on a segment of The Daily Show last night. I feel it should be noted that Jon Stewart is a personal hero of mine and I find myself heavily influenced by not only his humor, but his line of thought. That said, I must say I disagree with his defense of Phil Robertson, however logically sound it may be. But, in the spirit of debate and giving everyone a chance to say their piece, I felt it only right and appropriate to give you, my readers, a well thought-out and intelligent view from the other side of the issue.

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,The Daily Show on Facebook

Duck Travesty: A Witty Take On Homophobia

I'm sort of late to the party here so I imagine many of you are already familiar with the recent controversy surrounding the popular A&E television show, Duck Dynasty. For those of you, however, who have taken up residence under a rock, allow me to quickly fill you in. (BUT IN A TOTAL NON-GAY WAY, MR. ROBERTSON)

There's this reality show. It's really fucking popular and has been cited as the most watched cable television show of all time. Is it American Idol? Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Survivor? Bah! Of course not! It's none of your godless distractions from Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Supreme Leader of America and Guardian of Wal Mart. It is the down-to-earth, wholesome, god-fearing Duck Dynasty! The show follows the antics of the Robertson family, a motley crew of self-proclaimed rednecks who made their fortune making duck calls or some such shit. But James, why would millions of Americans sit down in front of their television to watch a bunch of overly bearded gentlemen traipse through the woods shouting at ducks? Besides "I don't have a fucking clue," the main reason is that the Robertson men are known for their uncensored exchanges, often rife with jokes and right-wing rhetoric. Their unabashed pride in their faith and political leanings have earned them high praise among the Conservative community, but that has recently come back to bite them in the beards.

The January issue of GQ contains a profile of the Robertson family written by Deadspin columnist and frequent GQ contributor, Drew Magary. (Who also happens to be a major influence on the early stages of this blog. He's funny and writes incredibly well; check out his books!)  The profile itself is, as a whole, fairly harmless. It follows the ever-opinionated, albeit ever-charming, Phil Robertson as he takes Magary around the property and proselytizes to him about the animals being God's gift to man. All seems pleasantly backwoods and awkwardly (but innocently) religious until Robertson drops the bomb that set off the events currently transpiring.

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Yeah, what the fuck? He would then go on to make several borderline racist comments concerning African-Americans, but as the current hype is focused on the above quote, that's where my transcribed thoughts shall be directed towards.

Look, let me start off by saying this: We live in America and you certainly have the right to say whatever the hell you goddamn please. But you should also expect that the rest of your country's denizens (349,999,999 people to be non-exact) will also have the stated right to voice their opinions as well. Unfortunately for Phil Robertson, a large portion of those right-bearing citizens were not amused by his comments. In fact, the goddamn Internet blew up. It seemed like much of the progressive and younger community took issue with Robertson's statements, and rightfully so. They are, for all intents and purposes, ignorant fucking statements. Yes, Phil seems like a mighty nice fella, but he is clearly not okay with homosexuality and, frankly in this modern world, that's not something we should just be "ok" with. Furthermore, as a public figure with over 12 million viewers and a network to appease, Robertson has an even bigger obligation to keep his opinions on the matter to himself or face the consequences.

We all, as individuals in a free society, have the right to voice our opinions, but we also all face the risk of having our face bashed in should someone not agree with us. As for his suspension from the show, he is an employee receiving a paycheck from A&E. They can do whatever the fuck they want with his employment, including terminate it. But I'm not going to argue the fact that making homophobic remarks is grounds for suspension. Nor am I going to argue that homophobic remarks themselves are fucking ignorant and stupid. If you think that homosexual people are sinful abominations, then you are a witless moron and you should congratulate yourself for reading this far without getting distracted and sniffing your balls.

No, I will merely leave you with the knowledge that I, without a doubt, support the marriage and equal rights of the LGBT community and find Phil Robertson's remarks crude and unfit for a modern society. I acknowledge his right to an opinion but also acknowledge my right to correctly label his opinion as fucking stupid. As for those of you that see no issue in his statements, I direct you to the Civil Rights events of the 60s and the struggle for equality among the black community. (A struggle that many would argue is ongoing) Those who would stand by idly would allow such injustice to continue. But, y'know, that's just my opinion. And if you don't like it, Phil Robertson, you can feel free to lick my hairy male anus.

Megyn Kelly Thinks Jesus Was White

It is hard for me to transcribe into words the absolute astonishment I feel towards the latest demonstration of stupidity on Fox News. Every time I try to write this post, the sentences are clunky and the ideas are jumbled. One could attribute this to morning inertia but I prefer to blame the unfathomable idiocy that Megyn Kelly demonstrated on live television last night.

Seen here desperately trying to look human.

Kelly, Fox News host and physical guardian of the Eyes of Satan, was doing a segment concerning a recent Slate article that bemoaned the traditional white Santa in favor of a universally loved penguin. Kelly and her three smiling, lobotomized guests "debated" the implication that Santa, a (spoiler alert) fictional character, is white and came to the very quick conclusion that he is indeed. Cool, well that just about wraps this u-....

"Jesus was a white man too!"

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I caught that...

You heard it here first, ladies and gentleman. Fox News has just stated that Jesus was white and that there is historical proof of this fact. What's truly sad about the whole thing is that when she makes that bold, moronic claim, not one guest had the decency or intelligence to cringe. Not one guest had the necessary amount of brain cells to speak up and say "Well that's clearly not true."

Which is, coincidentally, a great new tagline.

What's even sadder is that I am sure that at least several hundred people watching stood up and screamed "Fuck yeah!" as Doritos flavored spittle flew from their mouths, caking their "USA" shirts in a fresh coat of human excrement.

I am not sure what fallout will result from Megyn Kelly's idiotic statements on her show last night, but I am sure nothing will come of it. Fox News seems to be a haven for saying anything you damn well please and getting away with it because your entire network is about as reliable as The Onion. But, unfortunately, much of America watches with bated breath every night as Fox's parade of mental patients are dragged out in front of the camera and given an hour to screech about the liberal media and the War on Christmas. I can only hope that the revolution comes swiftly so that I may be one of the first to be beheaded for my "liberal ideas." At least then I will lack the senses necessary to be exposed to the utter stupidity that is Fox News. 

Rick Santorum Is a Goddamn Moron

Yesterday, one of the greatest leaders in history passed away at the age of 95. With his death came an outpouring of sympathy from all corners of the world. Indeed, even those who likely did not agree with him saw fit to mourn his passing with grace. (The only time Cruz will ever do anything with grace, I imagine.) It would seem that the world was, if only for a moment, united in its grief over the loss of this great man. But last night, as per the usual, Fox News (with the help of Rick Santorum) managed to fuck up even this.

In a segment on the O'Reilly Factor, a show known for its fair and balanced coverage of shit it makes up, Bill O'Reilly interviewed Rick Santorum and used Mandela's death to illustrate how people from different fundamental viewpoints can get along, citing Mandela as a communist that still deserved respect. Now, let's get one thing clear from the get-go: Nelson Mandela was not a fucking communist! He implemented socialist reform within South Africa, but that does not equate to communism. That's like saying that because we have "elections" we must be a democracy. Which, as anyone who has taken a high school history course knows, is false. But, that aside, nothing can top the skeevy, shithead response that saw fit to dribble out of the aptly-named Santorum's mouth. Just watch.

Comparing the struggle against apartheid to the "struggle" against Obamacare is not only fucking stupid, but insulting to any South African that lived under that hell and just plain insulting to any rational human with a conscience. Rick Santorum, you are a goddamn moron and I am surprised that you can remember to breathe. Just when we all thought that he couldn't get any worse, he goes and says that shit.

"And while we're on the topic of struggle, we need to address this war on Christmas!"

Look, you don't have to like Nelson Mandela (though you should) and you don't have to like Obamacare. But don't even dare to compare a racial struggle with your temper tantrum over liberal legislation being passed in your precious God-fearing America. I can't even. 

Rotten Appal: The App State Free Throw of Humor

Put us on the map again, Okam! 

I apologize for missing my Wednesday deadline to give my weekly opinion on the Rotten Appal. I have been swamped with work and did not, for fear of being hypocritical, want to deliver less than quality work. But tomorrow has passed and, with it, the majority of the work keeping me from imparting words of wisdom and whimsy upon you. So, without further ado, let us take a weekly foray into one of the least funny places on the Internet.

The Rotten Appal is, as the title above suggests, the App State free throw of humor websites. I didn't really expect much from it at the start but didn't expect it to fuck up nearly as much as it did. Much like Brian Okam shocked the world with how badly one can fuck something up (see below), the Rotten Appal delivered not only subpar humor, but did so with such consistency that one must stand back and wonder if the true satire is that they are masquerading as a humor website in the first place.

Their most recent batch of articles deal with the holidays and they squeeze as much humor as they can from them. Seeing as humor concerning Thanksgiving and Christmas is a dime a dozen, however, there was little to squeeze. Indeed, traditional jokes concerning the holidays would just be too banal for the Rotten Appal. (Although banality is a frequent acquaintance of the publication) So fervent was their desire to nix the traditional humor that they went in a completely different direction: stupid.

The article that sums up this judgement most succinctly is a story about a man riding on a wooly mammoth and intimidating Black Friday customers. That's about all there is to the joke. No meta or underlying meaning and nothing remotely satirical. It's as if they surrendered the floor for suggestions to a group of five year olds and one excitedly exclaimed, "WHAT IF THERE WAS A GUY RIDIN' A WOOLY MAMMOTH AND THAT HELPED HIM GET ALL DA TOYS IN THE WORLD!?" Hahahaha, elementary school was fucking hilarious. A goddamned never-ceasing font of quality humor worthy of sharing with a community of college students.

What follows that article is a cavalcade of predictable, lazily written articles that decided to take the day off from their day jobs and call themselves "humor." I've seen stutterers that have better comedic rhythm than this shit. I could write better humor if I downed a bottle of rat poison, convulsed on the keyboard, and hit enter. They could make the website infinitely funnier if they transcribed the dialogue from a Jane Fonda workout video.

Finally, there is a dreadful "opinion" piece written by a fake pastor that makes even religion, the easiest thing to mock, unfunny. The obvious, overused jokes are thrown in to make it about as funny as a 90s chain email. I would say this is old people humor but that's an insult to the elderly. Let me put it this way: The only sound that can express how bad the Rotten Appal is is the collective scream of every human that has ever laughed at a real joke. If you say the Rotten Appal backwards while hanging upside down, the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse will come out of your mouth. In other languages, the only way to say Rotten Appal is to rip out your teeth and grind them into your eyes.

But, I digress. This week's (although, technically, it's from last week) newest articles are the least funny yet, but I can only imagine what next year has in store. (I bet it's a lot of jokes concerning Waffle House, iHOP and poop) But, hey, the offer is still open, writers of the Rotten Appal. Shoot me a counter-article and I will happily post it here on my blog, unedited. I've said my piece plenty of times; you certainly deserve a chance to defend yourself.

As for you, my loyal readers, thank you so much for reading! Be sure to share my shit with your newsfeed, Twitter, and anywhere else you frequent on the Internet. (You can tell people IRL 2! #soreal) Until next time, adieu!