Friends, as you gather around your big, awkward families this Christmas and roll your eyes as your grandmother asks you, for the umpteenth time, why you're single (I'm focusing on my career, grandma!!) just be thankful that you don't have to deal with this person. This motherfucking person. I have had the displeasure of being exposed to this loud and boisterous noisemaker for the past couple of days. This purveyor of pointless drivel. This never ending font of words. Lemme tell ya bout this goddamn human.
This person enters a room by shrieking with delight at every new hand she shakes. She believes it necessary to feign the same goddamn excitement for every new contact she makes. I like to imagine she installs a different voice box depending on the occasion in order to maintain irritating consistency throughout. This person assaults you with words when you least want them. This person is a goddamn human Twitter feed, chirping incessantly about mundane and irrelevant shit that she observes around her and then loosely applying it to her own annoying life. She runs around the table and takes pictures of food that she isn't eating and manages to piss you off without even speaking (one of the few occasions in which she isn't).
Woe to thee who manages to find himself alone with this goddamn annoyance incarnate. She has a smart phone that isn't a phone but a "notepad" or some other pedantic fucking thing. With this phone (which comes with a fucking stylus) she regales you with stories of her cousins and how they, indeed, made it through one more year of life without offing themselves at the thought of ever having to hear her voice again. Should another soul attempt to fill the quickly condensing air with their own oxygen, she is quick to cut them off and piggy back their story with a random assortment of her own words.
Should your animal accidentally stumble into the room when this person is occupying it, send a little prayer up into the sky. This human fire alarm will be quick to screech with delight and chase this poor creature, causing millennia-old primal instincts to bubble to the surface for your pet as it runs in fear.
This person boils over with such insecure positivity that any negative comment made in jest is immediately shot down and replaced with a happier, bubblier reality in keeping with her own, unfortunate existence. This person cannot help but describe her menial achievements at every turn and smile with such self-congratulatory praise that one must physically hold back the hand that naturally gravitates towards her stupid, grinning face.
The over-sharer. The babbler. The way-too-fucking-happy-all-the-goddamn-time. The banshee that haunts your social media. This. Motherfucking. Person. Don't be this person. And should you have a stroke of bad luck and happen to come across this person, may God have mercy on your soul.
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