Rotten Appal: The App State Free Throw of Humor

Put us on the map again, Okam! 

I apologize for missing my Wednesday deadline to give my weekly opinion on the Rotten Appal. I have been swamped with work and did not, for fear of being hypocritical, want to deliver less than quality work. But tomorrow has passed and, with it, the majority of the work keeping me from imparting words of wisdom and whimsy upon you. So, without further ado, let us take a weekly foray into one of the least funny places on the Internet.

The Rotten Appal is, as the title above suggests, the App State free throw of humor websites. I didn't really expect much from it at the start but didn't expect it to fuck up nearly as much as it did. Much like Brian Okam shocked the world with how badly one can fuck something up (see below), the Rotten Appal delivered not only subpar humor, but did so with such consistency that one must stand back and wonder if the true satire is that they are masquerading as a humor website in the first place.

Their most recent batch of articles deal with the holidays and they squeeze as much humor as they can from them. Seeing as humor concerning Thanksgiving and Christmas is a dime a dozen, however, there was little to squeeze. Indeed, traditional jokes concerning the holidays would just be too banal for the Rotten Appal. (Although banality is a frequent acquaintance of the publication) So fervent was their desire to nix the traditional humor that they went in a completely different direction: stupid.

The article that sums up this judgement most succinctly is a story about a man riding on a wooly mammoth and intimidating Black Friday customers. That's about all there is to the joke. No meta or underlying meaning and nothing remotely satirical. It's as if they surrendered the floor for suggestions to a group of five year olds and one excitedly exclaimed, "WHAT IF THERE WAS A GUY RIDIN' A WOOLY MAMMOTH AND THAT HELPED HIM GET ALL DA TOYS IN THE WORLD!?" Hahahaha, elementary school was fucking hilarious. A goddamned never-ceasing font of quality humor worthy of sharing with a community of college students.

What follows that article is a cavalcade of predictable, lazily written articles that decided to take the day off from their day jobs and call themselves "humor." I've seen stutterers that have better comedic rhythm than this shit. I could write better humor if I downed a bottle of rat poison, convulsed on the keyboard, and hit enter. They could make the website infinitely funnier if they transcribed the dialogue from a Jane Fonda workout video.

Finally, there is a dreadful "opinion" piece written by a fake pastor that makes even religion, the easiest thing to mock, unfunny. The obvious, overused jokes are thrown in to make it about as funny as a 90s chain email. I would say this is old people humor but that's an insult to the elderly. Let me put it this way: The only sound that can express how bad the Rotten Appal is is the collective scream of every human that has ever laughed at a real joke. If you say the Rotten Appal backwards while hanging upside down, the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse will come out of your mouth. In other languages, the only way to say Rotten Appal is to rip out your teeth and grind them into your eyes.

But, I digress. This week's (although, technically, it's from last week) newest articles are the least funny yet, but I can only imagine what next year has in store. (I bet it's a lot of jokes concerning Waffle House, iHOP and poop) But, hey, the offer is still open, writers of the Rotten Appal. Shoot me a counter-article and I will happily post it here on my blog, unedited. I've said my piece plenty of times; you certainly deserve a chance to defend yourself.

As for you, my loyal readers, thank you so much for reading! Be sure to share my shit with your newsfeed, Twitter, and anywhere else you frequent on the Internet. (You can tell people IRL 2! #soreal) Until next time, adieu!