The Problem With the Free Hugs Guy

God, I feel like the guy who shit in the Christmas stocking. I say "the guy" like there's a designated dude who does this. Did he not visit you? Maybe this year. It certainly wouldn't be out of line for 2016. In that particular theme of shittiness, I'm here to take away something you love. The Free Hugs guy. Or me, if you really aren't convinced, I suppose.

The Free Hugs Project was started by Ken Nwadike. It was a direct response to the tragedy that was the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings. Wearing a black t-shirt that says "Free Hugs" and accompanied by a cameraman, Nwadike goes all over the country giving out free hugs. It's a fairly simple premise that hopefully doesn't require any more explanation than that.

Long story short, this guy grows more and more famous as time goes on, netting all sorts of media attention and countless YouTube views. Everyone, for the most part, loves this guy. He's giving out free hugs! He's promoting peace! What's not to like there? It's a pretty neutral message, when you come right down to it. Not really something that anyone in good conscience can say they disagree with. The notion that everyone deserves love is a hard thing to sneer at, even for the most ardent of cynics.

And yet.

Nwadike, presumably upon hearing of the recent protests in response to the police shooting of a black man in Charlotte, NC, donned the black shirt and headed to North Carolina. He was not received well.

In case you skipped watching the video, because you're a lazy piece of shit with something BETTER to do with your Friday night (you fucking animal), Nwadike hugs a police officer and the crowd of protesters immediately turn on him, calling him a "pussy nigga."

The semantics of that particular phrase aside, the crowd sort of had a point. What the fuck was this guy doing? Granted, the facts surrounding the shooting are still foggy. Mainly because we have a justice system that likes to keep it that way for the sake of anti-transparency and shrouding any and all police activity in mystery. But still. Should we hate these particular cops for the shooting of Keith Lamont Scott? Maybe not.

But also, maybe we shouldn't be hugging cops and espousing their humanity in the face of tragedy carried out....by the cops. It's a fine line between respect and adoration, and Nwadike's embracing of the police officers as part of an attempt to "humanize" them is giving them far more of a benefit of the doubt than has ever been given to the protesters, who have been called any number of racist and dehumanizing things. It's hard to say that we shouldn't respect the idea of peace and humanity in all people, regardless of station. But it's also irresponsible to attempt to elevate people who are already on the top floor looking down.

What Nwadike misses in his uplifting diatribe about the humanity in all of us, is that he's literally preaching to the choir. The entire point of the protests are to establish, in the face of widespread ignorance and hatred, that black men and women are human beings, worthy of the same respect and consideration granted to other, less marginalized people. And one could argue that Nwadike is attempting to educate his own community of black men and women on the inherent decency that should be granted to all of us, regardless of position. One could argue this, perhaps, if Nwadike's primary audience was black men and women. But, by my count (and this is admittedly flawed), people who are absorbing Nwadike's message the most, are white people who don't want to feel guilty about being complicit in systemic racism.

Indeed, much of the problem with Nwadike's video is less about him (although he is problematic) and more about the people sharing it. It allows a certain creeping sleeper-racism in the form of pseudo-acceptance. It really says something that when presented with the tragic death of a black man, white people are sharing a video of a black man hugging the cops. You can almost feel "one of the good ones" on the very tip of each of their tongues. It's that same "All Lives Matter" rhetoric that has so thoroughly already been proven as racist bullshit.

So the Free Hugs Guy, while seemingly nice, is problematic. It's a hard pill to swallow. No one will blame you for having trouble with it. But it's important to note that just because the package comes in a nicely wrapped, beautifully worded peace offering, doesn't mean it isn't still full of shit.

Pat McCrory Stands Amongst Crushed Beer Cans

Complex amalgamation of reanimated human parts, Pat McCrory, took time off his busy bathroom inspection schedule to toss around the ol' pigskin in Boone this past Saturday. Under the guise of being there to watch the football game, McCrory bravely met with his most critical constituents: football fans.

McCrory managed to net a few pictures with nondescript white folks while he was there, prompting anyone nearby to scatter for fear they might be roped in next. Here are a few embarrassing pictures of McCrory with several people he later consumed for energy.

"Help ussssss"

"Please. He's....growing...too...powerful..."

But the picture that really says it all is the above shot of McCrory posing with a football amongst a field of crushed beer cans. The beer cans, in this case, are a metaphor for North Carolina. First of all, though, who decided that THIS was the shot? You have the governor, presumably the most respectable office in the land, and you take a picture of him weakly holding a football in between emptied cans of Miller and PBR?

I guess it isn't particularly surprising that a guy made famous for opening his mouth and releasing a pound of bullshit every time doesn't really take PR into account. After all, McCrory is a man of the people. He wears a yellow polo! He doesn't need your stinkin' advice on relating to the public.

I don't know if McCrory stayed for the game, but if he did, I imagine it involved a big cheesy smile and diving for the microphone whenever it was up for grabs. The reality is that McCrory's primary directive has only ever been to make himself look good, at the expense of having to answer for his own assclown-ery. One need look no further than...last Thursday. McCrory, answering questions at an event, decided that journalists were too mean and instead fielded questions from the much nicer members of his staff.

We'll see how well this goes in his concession speech in November.

Player Protest Pretty Pitiful

When I was a kid, we used to set off little (legal) fireworks in the driveway. They were fun and the anticipation of lighting them and then running away to watch them go off was about 50% of the fun. Every once and a while, though, one wouldn't go off. It would just stand there like a fucking idiot and I'd be left sort of empty, the momentum of the anticipation gone in an instant.

The Seattle Seahawks had big plans for Sunday. Which made sense, considering it was a big day. It was the 15th anniversary of 9/11, the first big home game of the season and a chance to add to the conversation started by Colin Kaepernick. Posting on Twitter, Seahawks wide receiver, Doug Baldwin, started the big rollout with this cryptic tweet:

To express a desire to bring people together, our team will honor the country and flag in a pregame demonstration of unity.

— Doug Baldwin Jr (@DougBaldwinJr) September 8, 2016

Initial rumors started spreading that the Seahawks were planning a team-wide protest for the game. Reports said that the players were going to link arms during the national anthem. Doug Baldwin, now being hailed as the "de facto Seahawks spokesman" sort of confirmed this with a sappy video posted to Twitter the day before the game.

Martin Luther King Jr. once famously said “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”#BuildABridge pic.twitter.com/n1qP5c2RGM

— Doug Baldwin Jr (@DougBaldwinJr) September 10, 2016

In essence, there was a lot of PR buildup towards....something. We weren't really sure. I didn't go to the game, despite living about five minutes from the stadium, but that doesn't matter because I effectively received the same message. Which was jack shit.

Granted, they did link arms (while standing, that is) and, as Baldwin said on Friday: "We never said it was a protest." Sure. Whatever. That's actually not the point. The point is that you used the momentum, knowing full well what people would perceive it as, for your own gain. As part of some toothless act of "building a bridge." The obvious stank of All Lives Matter bullshit aside, this pledge of unity didn't really say anything at all. Maybe that the Seahawks want to build more bridges? Did they mean literal bridges?

Look, it's fine if you wanted to stand in unity for the victims of 9/11. That is A-okay. And, hell, it is fine if you don't want to sit down or kneel in support of Colin Kaepernick (though it should be noted that Seahawks cornerback Jeremy Lane sat during the anthem before the preseason game against Oakland a couple of weeks back). It's really your prerogative. But, again, using the national atmosphere and teasing a big protest that ends with you rattling off vague statements like "listen to our message" is kind of shitty. Also, what message?

In contrast to the hullabaloo started by Baldwin, several members of the Miami Dolphins (the opposing team during yesterday's game) kneeled in solidarity with Kaepernick and his (actual) message.

Gary!

Libertarian Party presidential nominee and cool-guy dad, Gary Johnson, took time off from smoking pot in the garage with your friends to appear on Morning Joe yesterday. It did not go well.

“And what is Aleppo?” Gary Johnson asks https://t.co/po7gg7UPWi pic.twitter.com/FnMf65IN6o

— POLITICO (@politico) September 8, 2016

Apparently still high, Johnson was stumped by MSNBC panelist Mike Barnicle's question about Aleppo.

“And what is Aleppo?”

The hottest club this side of the Mississippi? Cholesterol medication? A type of fancy cheese?

"You’re kidding."

No, Mike. Stop being a dick and tell us already!

"Aleppo is in Syria. It's the epicenter of the refugee crisis."

Ah. Hm. Well, I can confidently say that many of us probably wouldn't know the answer to that question.

Many of us are also not running for president. :/

Tomi Needs a Time Out

Tomi Lahren, America's angriest child, is mad again. This time about sitting. You see, Tomi stayed up (presumably past her bedtime) to watch the latest 49ers game wherein quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, did not stand for the National Anthem. Because he's a communist? He was wearing red. Hmmmm.

Actually, Kaepernick was making a statement about race relations and the systemic oppression of people of color. Tomi, waving a chubby finger at the screen and teetering on her tiny, still unformed legs, was not amused. She managed to make her way to her Fischer Price telephone and dial the number of several camera people who, apparently, were okay filming a child's temper tantrum. Anything for money, right?

Tomi, in a fit of rage and child-like confusion, babbled for a good three and a half minutes about Kaepernick and his anti-America sentiments. Rumor has it that, instead of playing Mozart, Tomi's mommy played old tapes of Joseph McCarthy while she was pregnant. Adorable!

Tomi's deconstruction starts strong, promising to "eviscerate this mouth diarrhea, sentence by sentence." Same, Tomi. Same.

Dangling candy from behind the camera, producers caught these next few lines on camera:

I support the first amendment. I support your right to freedom of speech and expression. Go for it, bud. It's this country, the country that you have so much disdain for that allows you the right to speak your mind. It protects your right to be a whiny, indulgent, attention-seeking crybaby. It also protects my right to shred you for it.

Shred! Bud! Disdain! Tomi's vocabulary is impressive, considering she emerged from the womb not six months ago. But with precocious verbosity comes great confusion in the undeveloped mind. Evidently, wires crossed and Tomi began her rant by addressing herself. Tomi! It's a camera, not a mirror. They're still working on identifying objects with Tomi.

They have not, however, worked with Tomi on her geography. Or history. Or political science. Or economics. Or sociology. Or psychology. Or manners. And what do we all do when we don't know something? We imitate! Tomi, pulling from the deepest evolutionary well inside of her, imitates her conservative colleagues and whips out the sickest burn since 1776.

If this country disgusts you so much, leave!

And don't let the door hit you on the way out! Hahahahahaha. Oh, Tomi. You always know how to make me laugh. And I know how to make you laugh when I hide my face behind my hands and then show it again. Peekaboo always makes Tomi giggle uncontrollably. But she usually needs a nap afterwards. Anywho, Tomi goes on to sputter out some silly daydreams she's been having where the whole world is banging on the door to the United States to get in. I'm so proud of how creative Tomi is becoming. 

Is our country perfect, Tomi asks. No, she concedes, holding back tears. "But what have you done to make it better?" she asks. "What's your contribution? Sitting there like a fool?" Yeah, you're right little tyke! People who sit and contribute nothing of substance are the worst. You're growing up so fast.

You can't see it, but at this point there's a subtle break in the video where they had to stop filming to change someone's diaper. Apparently someone got a little worked up. I'm being told that someone is working on their self-control.

Getting back into the groove of things with a brand spankin' new set of Huggies to boost her confidence, Tomi stumbles on to another stray thought just banging around in her tiny, soft, delicate head. If Kaepernick hates white people so much, why is he white? Tomi, I think you're misunderstanding something here, but it's okay. You're a literal child so I wouldn't expect complex racial relations to make sense. Go on with your speech.

But Tomi is not finished. Why is Kaepernick getting a paycheck from the white owner of his team? And what about those rich white fans, buying all that merchandise? Why can't Kaepernick see how great it is that white people have money? :(

Tomi really shows her age with this next point, though, asking: "Who's getting away with murder? I'd like to see some evidence to back that up, because that's a pretty strong claim." Whew. Tomi, do we have some news for you. Alright, we were going to wait until you were older, but...

Pictured: someone who got away with murder :/

Oh no. Now she's asking more questions. Tomi wants to know what happened in the past six years to make Kaepernick "resent his country." Yeesh, Tomi. Um, this might take a while. Maybe just start by Googling "Ferguson" and move forward from there. That's the Sparknotes version, at least.

Tomi gets confused right about here and after asking Kaepernick to please tell her why he's oppressed, answers her questions with statistics about black homicide rates, dropout rates, unemployment rates and food stamp percentages. Yeah, it's pretty bad, Tomi! So glad to see you did your homework.

Then she blames Obama. But that's okay. I didn't like Bill Clinton when I was a child either, Tomi. Mainly because the grown-ups near me pointed at a screen and said that he was a bad man. Are the grown ups around you saying bad things, Tomi? Blink once for no and repeatedly for yes.

Okay, I see. She says some other things, but it's drowned out by a sudden bout of vomit. Producers scramble to Tomi's side to clean off her face. This does not sit well with Tomi. She clenches her fists into tiny, tiny little balls and scrunches up her face, adorably, and lets loose her first "no-no" word. She says "damn." Granted, it's nestled inside of the word "responsibility" but I'm sure the irony is lost on her. Hey, she's a baby remember? Give her some credit for even making it this far without falling off the stool and giggling at her own toes.

The video continues on. Yada yada, "reverse racism." (Not a thing, Tomi!)

Tomi ends her session, winded and probably a little confused by all the lights (babies don't have great memories), by telling Kaepernick that he sucks. As if she doesn't remember what the prior three minutes were about. Don't worry though, Tomi. We got it all on tape.

It Was a Wild Ride

He awakens to the sound of harps. They are being played in the far-off distance, but it makes no difference. The sound carries unobstructed and soothes his ears as if they were right next to him. He looks at his hands first, the skin as taut as the day he turned eighteen. He can hardly believe it and, when he reaches for his phone to check his face, he finds nothing. Because he is wearing nothing.

Naked and confused, he observes his surroundings. White billowy clouds rest beneath him, impossibly holding him up and emitting a low hum. It is comforting, he decides. There is a stream that cuts through the middle and fish of all different colors jump and frolic. As he nears them, they do not slow their play and regard him without fear. Curious, he thinks.

He can feel a cool breeze between his thighs, an experience he had long forgotten, and years of embarrassment and shame seem to float away with it. He reaches a raised mount of clouds, no taller than he, but too thick to see over. He pushes his hand forward into the cloud and it parts for him, revealing a gate a few yards in front. It is pearly.

Guarding this gate stands a sentry, dressed immaculately. In his opinion, overly so. The sentry is neither male nor female, but visibly human. It extends a hand to him and lowers its eyes to meet his. It is tall, much taller than a human should be. He stares for some time before shrugging and accepting the sentry's hand. The hand is warm to the touch. He is not surprised.

The gates open and a burst of light emits from within, threatening to blind him. He tries to turn away but the sentry tugs at his arm and he understands that he must keep staring ahead. His vision goes white and it is as if his eyes melt away to reveal an entirely new pair. He can feel their freshness and they experience their first tears.

He sees for the first time. He sees everything he has ever wanted. And he lives happily ever after.

-For Gene 1933-2016

Conservatives Still Hate Appalachian State

I know, I know. I don't even go here. But that doesn't mean that stupidity has halted its evil crusade. This week in the Idiotic Global Tour 2016-Indefinitely, people got mad about paper. Namely, paper that insulted their fragile egos. Indeed, the privilege board, made popular by last year's brush with fame and fire, is back on campus and this time, it's front and center.

Ostensibly. I'm not actually there, so I can't really say for sure. But neither can the writers doing all the complaining. Campus Reform, a website dedicated to eradicating liberal intellectualism and (probably) nude art modeling, has taken the summer to replenish their tear ducts and come back to Appalachian once again to cry about the horrible shame foisted upon Appalachian's privileged many. 

"Appalachian State University students must walk past a 'privilege board' denouncing their white, male, able-bodied, Christian, or cisgender privilege any time they enter the Student Union. 

The bulletin board is located in Plemmons Student Union (PSU), which the school calls 'the centerpiece of the Appalachian campus,' and was apparently put up by a student group last semester, but has been allowed to remain in place to date."

It's all in the rhetoric here. Students "must walk" past the board translates roughly to: LO AND BEHOLD, SHEEPLE, FOR THE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN BOLSHEVIKS WE ALL FEARED HAVE COME ALIVE AND THEY SEEK RETRIBUTION. KNEEL BEFORE YOUR SOCIALLY AWARE GODS AND LOOK UPON YOUR FATE!

"The PSU Mission Statement currently states that it is 'run by and for students,' and 'exists to create a safe and inclusive environment in which the Appalachian community strives to enhance students' academic achievement and social experience.'

The facility also maintains a web page outlining its advertising policies, which includes specific sections for banners, bulletin boards, marquees, and display cases. Registered student organizations are allowed to post banners and marquees advertising upcoming events for up to one week prior to the event, and may reserve display cases 'for event promotions' for up to two weeks. 

Similarly, the policy on bulletin boards states that 'advertisements must be for public events or membership recruitment functions held on campus, but cannot advertise weekly meetings,' and stipulates that 'flyers must be no larger than 11”x17"'"

I would honestly kill for the sort of coverage that the PSU bulletin board policy page is getting. Investigative journalism like this only comes around every decade or so. Speaking of journalism, the decidedly anti-journalism boys over at Breitbart News couldn't pass up the opportunity to get in on the action.

"A prominently displayed bulletin board at Appalachian State University has been taken over by campus collectivists in an effort to encourage certain students to 'check their privilege' during their daily walk to class.

The board is displayed in the Plemmons Student Union building, which ASU calls 'the centerpiece of the Appalachian campus.' The board contains various different posters that condemn white, male, cisgender, heterosexual, Christian, and able-bodied persons who are unaware of their inherent societal privilege."

Sound familiar? That's because it's pretty much THE SAME OPENING PARAGRAPH as the Campus Reform article! And that isn't even the most damning thing about it. The Breitbart writer takes on a far more pointed argument against the board, opining on the nuance of privilege and how, in the end, we're all minorities or something nearly as stupid as that. Aside from the use of the word "subgroups," other notable head-scratchers include:

"What the political right and left fail to realize, is that it is horribly unjust to rob individuals of their natural right to live freely, unmarred by judgments based on subgroups with whom they may or may not consciously have chosen to associate."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

That's fairly rich all things considered. Stephen K. Bannon, chairman of Breitbart News, was recently (four days ago) hired by none other than Donaldus J-us. Drumpfus to be his new campaign chief, a move heralded by David Duke, former Klan leader and current racist. Duke praised the move as part of the takeover of the Republican Party by he and his ilk. That vitriolic racists didn't already have control of the GOP is the real story here, I guess.

I digress. Pointing out wildly inconsistent ideologies held by a group of people grasping at electable morality is futile. The umbrage isn't that young white males may find themselves wetting their pants at the sight of their own privilege. Nor is it about violating the student union's bulletin board policy. It's about a bunch of thin-skinned whiners who are finding it harder and harder to be offensive dicks.

This privilege board has been a bee in conservative writers' bidets for some time now, and it is precisely what fear-mongers like Andrew Breitbart and Alex Jones (of Infowars) have been frothing at the mouth about for years. It is the supposed indoctrination of America's youth. But America's youth are the ones who put the board up in the first place, and much like me, they think your Campus Reform/Breitbart article is full of shit.