Is This the Next Rebecca Black?

For a solid year, every asshole with an Internet connection and a Facebook became a fucking online comedian by posting this unfortunate cacophony every Friday. These unfunny wastes of genetic material were unknowingly causing the profuse bleeding of ears around the world with their humorless antics. (Or, perhaps, it was a concerted effort by the music industry in order to make Lana Del Rey seem bearable in comparison) But, after a while, the smoke cleared and the hype subsided, sending us back to a culture in which the word "Friday" did not invoke an amateur (not that it could get any more so) interpretation of Rebecca Black's "song." And that was the end of it...or so we thought. My friends, it is with great displeasure and slight trepidation that I introduce the newest addition to the world of credit card bought stardom: "Chinese Food" by Alison Gold.

From the people who brought you Rebecca Black, this god awful assault on humanity may be even worse than "Friday." While thankfully free of Rebecca Black's nasally vocals, the lyrics are on par with, if not worse than, those of the infamous end-of-week ballad. Assuming you've watched it, allow me to echo your comments: What in God's holy name is this fucking thing? 

There are several parts of this video that brush me the wrong way, confuse me, and that are just downright wrong. This video is clearly the work of an insane millionaire with way too much time (and money) on his hands. (We'll get to that later) First, let's quickly review a few weird/disturbing things. 

1. The Subtitles

Why, oh why, are they in different languages? I can understand (sort of) the use of Chinese characters as the song, as the name implies, is about Chinese Food. But why Spanish? Russian? WHY? It's not as if she is singing about foods around the world. Nor is she using "Chinese Food" as a metaphor for the great American melting pot. In fact, I am quite certain that if someone mentioned the word "metaphor" on the set of the music video, heads would explode trying to arrive at the meaning of such a difficult concept. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry that the subtitles are in various languages. The simplicity of the song lends itself to being easily understood. I'm just confused. So very confused...

2. The Fortune Cookie

Ok, so I get that fortune cookies are found at Chinese restaurants. But for fuck's sake, they aren't Chinese food. And, on that vein of thought, neither is Panda Express. What she really means in this video is that she likes Amercanized cuisine that is supposed to resemble Chinese food. Then again, why I am searching for logic amongst this horrendous mass of troglodytic tripe is beyond me.

3. The Panda

In the video, in case you didn't watch it, Alison is sitting a table when she receives a fortune cookie that says something along the lines of "You will meet a new friend." She turns around to see a Panda creepily watching her from a table behind her. It's straight out of a horror movie. Throughout the video, the creepy factor intensifies. She holds its hand, they skip through fields, it comes over for a slumber party with her friends. Now, some of you may question why this is such a big deal. After all, a mythical friend is entitled to certain activities that would leave your average adult locked up in prison. Think of Hobbes, the dragons from Dragon Tales, Big Bird, Frank the Rabbit. They're all harmless (well...) beings that exist purely to act as mythical escapes for children. Is Panda any worse?

Yes. 

When the panda first took its head off to reveal the creepy black man underneath, I briefly considered that I may have stumbled upon a very, very bad part of the internet. After a while, it became apparent that this video was just made by an incredibly unaware production crew that couldn't possibly conceive that a grown man in a panda costume hanging out with pre-teen girls in a bedroom could be construed as FUCKING CREEPY BEYOND ALL BELIEF. If you haven't watched the video yet, please do, because the weird creepy antics don't stop there. He goes on to eat different Chinese foods with his fingers, smiling into the camera as he does. The suggestive nature is enough to make me travel to the future and cover my progeny's eyes.

Even creepier than me taking this screenshot.

But there is more to this creepy, smiling black man than meets the forever-scarred eye. After all, he is the CEO of the company that spawned both Friday and, now, Chinese Food. But I won't go into the creepy, money scheming details behind Ark Music Factory and PWM on here because, frankly, I don't give a damn. I just wanted to share another piece of internet fucktardery that will further dig the grave that American culture will be unceremoniously shot and thrown in.

Thank you, once again, for reading! As always, share, comment on, and like my content for maximum exposure of my blog! Share it with every single breathing human you know, regardless of relationship. Hell, print out pictures of my blog and throw them at homeless people if you have to. It's a great way to advertise AND give charity at the same time. Until next time, you witty bastards.