Don't Fuck With Google

Disclaimer: I wrote this post bored in a car on my phone. Links are unsightly so I apologize for that. On with the post! 

Unless you regularly follow the exploits of Silicon Valley, you're probably unaware of the recent debacle involving Rap Genius and Google. Indeed, the former has been involved in dubious SEO tactics for some time now, royally pissing off the search engine giant. Today, the world learned what happens when a website gives Google the middle finger.

I want you to open up a new tab right now and Google "rap genius." You're sure to see a lot of financial and tech magazine stories concerning this story, but I'd be willing to bet that you won't find the actual Rap Genius website on the first page. Or the second page. Or, hell, even the third page. I know because I've checked. The site doesn't appear in the results until you go all the way to the fifth page. No one goes to the fifth fucking page. 

So what does this mean? Well, the website may still exist, but without the coveted first page spot, its traffic is sure to suffer a hit. For more information concerning their transgressions that brought them to this point, read more here. But I think we can all walk away from this one with a pretty clear message: you don't fuck with Google.

Edit: Fixed links. 

Justin Bieber Officially Announces Retirement

In the spirit of giving, singer and professional douchebag, Justin Bieber has announced his retirement, giving the world a reprieve from his god-awful assault on music. Of course, anyone with half a brain should view this announcement with skepticism as popular performers have a proclivity for publicity stunts such as this. 

But, publicity stunt or not, this announcement is sure to guarantee us at least some amount of time without hearing of the young chanteuse (gender notwithstanding) and his exploits. Perhaps his retirement will grant him some time to retrieve his fucking monkey. 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) December 25, 2013

'Twas The Night Before Witmas

'Twas the night before Witmas, when all through the web
Not a story was stirring, no drunken celebs.

The snark and the smarm no longer prepared,

For some young dumb moron with idiocy to share.

The stories lie dormant, all snug in their sites,

While knowing that Wit could wait for a night.

And my Macbook was closed, and I in my bed,

Giving no fucks that "Whatshisname's" dead.

When out in the net, stupidity did rear,
I rose from my slumber, for trouble was near.

Away to my keyboard I flew like a bird,
For I knew it was time for wit to be heard.

When there on my screen, there appeared such a sight, 

Of satire so butchered, t'would give Twain a fright.

And out from the crap, a shape did appear.
'Twas an apple so rotten that it brought me to tears.

It jumped and it joked and it tried it's very best,
But no one around did it so impress.

Yet continued it did, with its same tired bit,
Gleefully conjuring up some of this shit:

"Now, poop jokes! Now, drug jokes with high students famished!
On chancellor's vomitting, and Black Friday mammoths!

To our unnoticed Twitter! To our shit Facebook wall!
Poop jokes, poop jokes, poop jokes for all!"

As bathroom jokes come, these ones were quite crude,
So bad and so frivolous they darkened my mood.

I typed and I typed with all of my might,
In an effort to send these dumb jokes out of sight.

But try as I would, my blog posts afire,
The apple did roll, ignoring the mire.
However dumb and how banal their articles may be,
They pressed on and they did so with merciless glee.

The apple got closer and I saw its true form,
When out from its top, there emerged a great worm.
The worm did squirm while it enjoyed eating turds,
All the while thinking, "That's the best joke they've heard!"

With every new bad bit of humor it wrote,
I threw up my hands with despair and lost hope.
Oscar would certainly be quite ashamed,
And no doubt right now turing over in his grave.

Even as I stared into the abyss of this fruit,
I knew that my fight was not helpless, not moot.
So continued I did on my crusade for good,
For this humor so bad had stayed longer than it should.

I found it within me, the power of wit,
To vanquish these foes and stop this dumb shit.
The apple did roar, its power depleted,
But I knew that my task was not yet completed.

I informed the masses of this humor so rot,
That calling it satire should be put to a stop.
My friends they did nod in somber approval,
This fruit, they agreed, was in need of removal.

But just as we thought we had beaten our foes,
From the ashes of war, the apple arose.
It spoke in a whisper, just loud enough to say,
"We'll be back, motherfuckers. We'll be back Christmas Day."

I Have Found The Worst Person

Friends, as you gather around your big, awkward families this Christmas and roll your eyes as your grandmother asks you, for the umpteenth time, why you're single (I'm focusing on my career, grandma!!) just be thankful that you don't have to deal with this person. This motherfucking person. I have had the displeasure of being exposed to this loud and boisterous noisemaker for the past couple of days. This purveyor of pointless drivel. This never ending font of words. Lemme tell ya bout this goddamn human.

This person enters a room by shrieking with delight at every new hand she shakes. She believes it necessary to feign the same goddamn excitement for every new contact she makes. I like to imagine she installs a different voice box depending on the occasion in order to maintain irritating consistency throughout. This person assaults you with words when you least want them. This person is a goddamn human Twitter feed, chirping incessantly about mundane and irrelevant shit that she observes around her and then loosely applying it to her own annoying life. She runs around the table and takes pictures of food that she isn't eating and manages to piss you off without even speaking (one of the few occasions in which she isn't).

Woe to thee who manages to find himself alone with this goddamn annoyance incarnate. She has a smart phone that isn't a phone but a "notepad" or some other pedantic fucking thing. With this phone (which comes with a fucking stylus) she regales you with stories of her cousins and how they, indeed, made it through one more year of life without offing themselves at the thought of ever having to hear her voice again. Should another soul attempt to fill the quickly condensing air with their own oxygen, she is quick to cut them off and piggy back their story with a random assortment of her own words.

Should your animal accidentally stumble into the room when this person is occupying it, send a little prayer up into the sky. This human fire alarm will be quick to screech with delight and chase this poor creature, causing millennia-old primal instincts to bubble to the surface for your pet as it runs in fear.

This person boils over with such insecure positivity that any negative comment made in jest is immediately shot down and replaced with a happier, bubblier reality in keeping with her own, unfortunate existence. This person cannot help but describe her menial achievements at every turn and smile with such self-congratulatory praise that one must physically hold back the hand that naturally gravitates towards her stupid, grinning face.

The over-sharer. The babbler. The way-too-fucking-happy-all-the-goddamn-time. The banshee that haunts your social media. This. Motherfucking. Person. Don't be this person. And should you have a stroke of bad luck and happen to come across this person, may God have mercy on your soul.

More Duck Dynasty Fun: Featuring A Lot More Homosexuality!

Following yesterday's events, I'm sure the last two words anyone really wants to read at this point are Duck and Dynasty, but there are a couple supplemental facts and tidbits to the whole situation that I'd like to share with you, if only for fun.

On rare occasions, in our random internet perusal, we will stumble upon something so perfect and so sweet that to not share it would be, well, a sin. And speaking of sin, let's briefly focus on something that made me laugh like an immature schoolboy.

Scott Gurney is the executive producer for Duck Dynasty. But before he got into producing reality television, he was an actor. Among his repertoire of roles, I found a particularly interesting character he played in 2002 in a movie titled The Fluffer. 

Yep, it's that kind of fluffer. 

In the film, Gurney plays a gay porn actor who develops an interesting relationship with a young man that becomes his, you guessed it, fluffer. For those unfamiliar with this colloquial term, allow me to direct you towards the all-knowing Urban Dictionary.  This fact doesn't really have any bearing nor does it serve as a worthy argument against the events brought to light yesterday, but it's certainly worthy of a chuckle and makes the situation that much sweeter.

In other, slightly more serious news, Jon Stewart said his piece concerning Robertson on a segment of The Daily Show last night. I feel it should be noted that Jon Stewart is a personal hero of mine and I find myself heavily influenced by not only his humor, but his line of thought. That said, I must say I disagree with his defense of Phil Robertson, however logically sound it may be. But, in the spirit of debate and giving everyone a chance to say their piece, I felt it only right and appropriate to give you, my readers, a well thought-out and intelligent view from the other side of the issue.

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,The Daily Show on Facebook

Duck Travesty: A Witty Take On Homophobia

I'm sort of late to the party here so I imagine many of you are already familiar with the recent controversy surrounding the popular A&E television show, Duck Dynasty. For those of you, however, who have taken up residence under a rock, allow me to quickly fill you in. (BUT IN A TOTAL NON-GAY WAY, MR. ROBERTSON)

There's this reality show. It's really fucking popular and has been cited as the most watched cable television show of all time. Is it American Idol? Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Survivor? Bah! Of course not! It's none of your godless distractions from Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Supreme Leader of America and Guardian of Wal Mart. It is the down-to-earth, wholesome, god-fearing Duck Dynasty! The show follows the antics of the Robertson family, a motley crew of self-proclaimed rednecks who made their fortune making duck calls or some such shit. But James, why would millions of Americans sit down in front of their television to watch a bunch of overly bearded gentlemen traipse through the woods shouting at ducks? Besides "I don't have a fucking clue," the main reason is that the Robertson men are known for their uncensored exchanges, often rife with jokes and right-wing rhetoric. Their unabashed pride in their faith and political leanings have earned them high praise among the Conservative community, but that has recently come back to bite them in the beards.

The January issue of GQ contains a profile of the Robertson family written by Deadspin columnist and frequent GQ contributor, Drew Magary. (Who also happens to be a major influence on the early stages of this blog. He's funny and writes incredibly well; check out his books!)  The profile itself is, as a whole, fairly harmless. It follows the ever-opinionated, albeit ever-charming, Phil Robertson as he takes Magary around the property and proselytizes to him about the animals being God's gift to man. All seems pleasantly backwoods and awkwardly (but innocently) religious until Robertson drops the bomb that set off the events currently transpiring.

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Yeah, what the fuck? He would then go on to make several borderline racist comments concerning African-Americans, but as the current hype is focused on the above quote, that's where my transcribed thoughts shall be directed towards.

Look, let me start off by saying this: We live in America and you certainly have the right to say whatever the hell you goddamn please. But you should also expect that the rest of your country's denizens (349,999,999 people to be non-exact) will also have the stated right to voice their opinions as well. Unfortunately for Phil Robertson, a large portion of those right-bearing citizens were not amused by his comments. In fact, the goddamn Internet blew up. It seemed like much of the progressive and younger community took issue with Robertson's statements, and rightfully so. They are, for all intents and purposes, ignorant fucking statements. Yes, Phil seems like a mighty nice fella, but he is clearly not okay with homosexuality and, frankly in this modern world, that's not something we should just be "ok" with. Furthermore, as a public figure with over 12 million viewers and a network to appease, Robertson has an even bigger obligation to keep his opinions on the matter to himself or face the consequences.

We all, as individuals in a free society, have the right to voice our opinions, but we also all face the risk of having our face bashed in should someone not agree with us. As for his suspension from the show, he is an employee receiving a paycheck from A&E. They can do whatever the fuck they want with his employment, including terminate it. But I'm not going to argue the fact that making homophobic remarks is grounds for suspension. Nor am I going to argue that homophobic remarks themselves are fucking ignorant and stupid. If you think that homosexual people are sinful abominations, then you are a witless moron and you should congratulate yourself for reading this far without getting distracted and sniffing your balls.

No, I will merely leave you with the knowledge that I, without a doubt, support the marriage and equal rights of the LGBT community and find Phil Robertson's remarks crude and unfit for a modern society. I acknowledge his right to an opinion but also acknowledge my right to correctly label his opinion as fucking stupid. As for those of you that see no issue in his statements, I direct you to the Civil Rights events of the 60s and the struggle for equality among the black community. (A struggle that many would argue is ongoing) Those who would stand by idly would allow such injustice to continue. But, y'know, that's just my opinion. And if you don't like it, Phil Robertson, you can feel free to lick my hairy male anus.

Megyn Kelly Thinks Jesus Was White

It is hard for me to transcribe into words the absolute astonishment I feel towards the latest demonstration of stupidity on Fox News. Every time I try to write this post, the sentences are clunky and the ideas are jumbled. One could attribute this to morning inertia but I prefer to blame the unfathomable idiocy that Megyn Kelly demonstrated on live television last night.

Seen here desperately trying to look human.

Kelly, Fox News host and physical guardian of the Eyes of Satan, was doing a segment concerning a recent Slate article that bemoaned the traditional white Santa in favor of a universally loved penguin. Kelly and her three smiling, lobotomized guests "debated" the implication that Santa, a (spoiler alert) fictional character, is white and came to the very quick conclusion that he is indeed. Cool, well that just about wraps this u-....

"Jesus was a white man too!"

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I caught that...

You heard it here first, ladies and gentleman. Fox News has just stated that Jesus was white and that there is historical proof of this fact. What's truly sad about the whole thing is that when she makes that bold, moronic claim, not one guest had the decency or intelligence to cringe. Not one guest had the necessary amount of brain cells to speak up and say "Well that's clearly not true."

Which is, coincidentally, a great new tagline.

What's even sadder is that I am sure that at least several hundred people watching stood up and screamed "Fuck yeah!" as Doritos flavored spittle flew from their mouths, caking their "USA" shirts in a fresh coat of human excrement.

I am not sure what fallout will result from Megyn Kelly's idiotic statements on her show last night, but I am sure nothing will come of it. Fox News seems to be a haven for saying anything you damn well please and getting away with it because your entire network is about as reliable as The Onion. But, unfortunately, much of America watches with bated breath every night as Fox's parade of mental patients are dragged out in front of the camera and given an hour to screech about the liberal media and the War on Christmas. I can only hope that the revolution comes swiftly so that I may be one of the first to be beheaded for my "liberal ideas." At least then I will lack the senses necessary to be exposed to the utter stupidity that is Fox News. 

Rick Santorum Is a Goddamn Moron

Yesterday, one of the greatest leaders in history passed away at the age of 95. With his death came an outpouring of sympathy from all corners of the world. Indeed, even those who likely did not agree with him saw fit to mourn his passing with grace. (The only time Cruz will ever do anything with grace, I imagine.) It would seem that the world was, if only for a moment, united in its grief over the loss of this great man. But last night, as per the usual, Fox News (with the help of Rick Santorum) managed to fuck up even this.

In a segment on the O'Reilly Factor, a show known for its fair and balanced coverage of shit it makes up, Bill O'Reilly interviewed Rick Santorum and used Mandela's death to illustrate how people from different fundamental viewpoints can get along, citing Mandela as a communist that still deserved respect. Now, let's get one thing clear from the get-go: Nelson Mandela was not a fucking communist! He implemented socialist reform within South Africa, but that does not equate to communism. That's like saying that because we have "elections" we must be a democracy. Which, as anyone who has taken a high school history course knows, is false. But, that aside, nothing can top the skeevy, shithead response that saw fit to dribble out of the aptly-named Santorum's mouth. Just watch.

Comparing the struggle against apartheid to the "struggle" against Obamacare is not only fucking stupid, but insulting to any South African that lived under that hell and just plain insulting to any rational human with a conscience. Rick Santorum, you are a goddamn moron and I am surprised that you can remember to breathe. Just when we all thought that he couldn't get any worse, he goes and says that shit.

"And while we're on the topic of struggle, we need to address this war on Christmas!"

Look, you don't have to like Nelson Mandela (though you should) and you don't have to like Obamacare. But don't even dare to compare a racial struggle with your temper tantrum over liberal legislation being passed in your precious God-fearing America. I can't even. 

Rotten Appal: The App State Free Throw of Humor

Put us on the map again, Okam! 

I apologize for missing my Wednesday deadline to give my weekly opinion on the Rotten Appal. I have been swamped with work and did not, for fear of being hypocritical, want to deliver less than quality work. But tomorrow has passed and, with it, the majority of the work keeping me from imparting words of wisdom and whimsy upon you. So, without further ado, let us take a weekly foray into one of the least funny places on the Internet.

The Rotten Appal is, as the title above suggests, the App State free throw of humor websites. I didn't really expect much from it at the start but didn't expect it to fuck up nearly as much as it did. Much like Brian Okam shocked the world with how badly one can fuck something up (see below), the Rotten Appal delivered not only subpar humor, but did so with such consistency that one must stand back and wonder if the true satire is that they are masquerading as a humor website in the first place.

Their most recent batch of articles deal with the holidays and they squeeze as much humor as they can from them. Seeing as humor concerning Thanksgiving and Christmas is a dime a dozen, however, there was little to squeeze. Indeed, traditional jokes concerning the holidays would just be too banal for the Rotten Appal. (Although banality is a frequent acquaintance of the publication) So fervent was their desire to nix the traditional humor that they went in a completely different direction: stupid.

The article that sums up this judgement most succinctly is a story about a man riding on a wooly mammoth and intimidating Black Friday customers. That's about all there is to the joke. No meta or underlying meaning and nothing remotely satirical. It's as if they surrendered the floor for suggestions to a group of five year olds and one excitedly exclaimed, "WHAT IF THERE WAS A GUY RIDIN' A WOOLY MAMMOTH AND THAT HELPED HIM GET ALL DA TOYS IN THE WORLD!?" Hahahaha, elementary school was fucking hilarious. A goddamned never-ceasing font of quality humor worthy of sharing with a community of college students.

What follows that article is a cavalcade of predictable, lazily written articles that decided to take the day off from their day jobs and call themselves "humor." I've seen stutterers that have better comedic rhythm than this shit. I could write better humor if I downed a bottle of rat poison, convulsed on the keyboard, and hit enter. They could make the website infinitely funnier if they transcribed the dialogue from a Jane Fonda workout video.

Finally, there is a dreadful "opinion" piece written by a fake pastor that makes even religion, the easiest thing to mock, unfunny. The obvious, overused jokes are thrown in to make it about as funny as a 90s chain email. I would say this is old people humor but that's an insult to the elderly. Let me put it this way: The only sound that can express how bad the Rotten Appal is is the collective scream of every human that has ever laughed at a real joke. If you say the Rotten Appal backwards while hanging upside down, the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse will come out of your mouth. In other languages, the only way to say Rotten Appal is to rip out your teeth and grind them into your eyes.

But, I digress. This week's (although, technically, it's from last week) newest articles are the least funny yet, but I can only imagine what next year has in store. (I bet it's a lot of jokes concerning Waffle House, iHOP and poop) But, hey, the offer is still open, writers of the Rotten Appal. Shoot me a counter-article and I will happily post it here on my blog, unedited. I've said my piece plenty of times; you certainly deserve a chance to defend yourself.

As for you, my loyal readers, thank you so much for reading! Be sure to share my shit with your newsfeed, Twitter, and anywhere else you frequent on the Internet. (You can tell people IRL 2! #soreal) Until next time, adieu!

Rotten Appal Review: What Worked And What Didn't?

Happy Hump Day, my lovely readers and welcome to the Rotten Appal Review! Every Wednesday, the Appalachian State humor publication, the Rotten Appal, puts out new content. The Appal, which has a history of awful and redundant jokes, has become my new Wednesday focus due in part to my annoyance with its lack of quality. Thus, every Wednesday I will take a look at their newest work and give an in-depth critique based on their five newest articles. Together, we'll judge what did and did not work and give them a score. Think of it as helpful criticism as opposed to mirthful derision. (Though, the latter may be more accurate at this point.) But, without further ado, let's jump in and start reading!

The first article that appears under the "Latest" tab is a story about the Legends policeman and his love for Kenny Rogers. While I certainly enjoy the fixation on Kenny Rogers, the joke could have been delivered a little smoother. The concept itself is certainly worthy, but the writing is lazy and awkward.

As for technical mistakes, the title refers to the subject of the story as the "Legend's Policeman" which doesn't really make any sense considering the name of Appalachian's favorite little venue is Legends not "Legend." Though, to be fair, both are decidedly awful.

If I were to make any other quick observations, I must take issue with the description of the officer's facial expressions.

"You can’t tell from Finkle’s plethora of bubbly facial expressions, which consist of “the dead man,” “the coma patient,” and a half smirk when he gets off..."

 Bolding mine. The last statement is far too crass and random to warrant a laugh. While humor is often crass (and rightfully so), satire is meant to be subtle and smooth. This joke, blatantly tossed in there, insults the reader's intelligence and appeals to his fifth grade sense of humor. You can still convey that the police officer is stone faced and hard to please, but it's best to buy into the age-old writing adage, "Show, don't tell."

Moving on to the second latest article, the Rotten Appal takes on the Girl Scouts and attempts to play on their ever-abundant variety of different cookies. Unfortunately, the joke falls short due to the Appal's Achille's heel: blatancy. The joke is that the Girl Scouts are selling cookies made with crack cocaine and that's about all they say. It's an extended one-liner unworthy of an entire article. I did, however, enjoy one of the listed monikers given to the crack-laden cookies, "Tweaker Treats." Had they used that as opposed to the unfunny and in-your-face "F#$%-u-upz" the article may have been a tad bit funnier. (Though, nowhere near chuckle-worthy.)

The last sentence, however, is what kills the joke entirely.

These cookies can be found in your local ghetto and for a limited time only at participating Toys “R” Us stores.

This just doesn't make any sense. Sure, a joke isn't necessarily supposed to be realistic. That's why it's a joke. But a solid, quality joke requires a logical setup in order to be truly hilarious. Stating that the cookies can be found in the ghetto AND Toys "R" Us is confusing. Are you saying that the cookies filled with crack are being marketed towards drug addicts in lower income neighborhoods? Or is your joke that the Girl Scouts are absentmindedly marketing crack to children via a popular toy store? Choose one and run with it but it doesn't make sense to go with both.

Next, there was an article about Blockbuster leaving their lights on. This one almost made me smile which is an infinite improvement over every single other thing that has been put out by the website. What makes this one almost succeed where others fall short is that it plays on the absurdity of reality. It doesn't have to make anything up to be funny and that's what good satire is; it's looking around at existing conditions and events and saying "Look how fucking funny this shit is," albeit slightly more eloquently. Furthermore, I enjoy the reference to late fees and the manager's blissful ignorance of the fact that they will never be paid. It wasn't funny, per se, but it was certainly closer than anything else thus far.

The next article about a slackliner disappearing into a different dimension was another improvement compared to past articles. Again, while not worthy of a laugh, it certainly garnered some amount of amusement. However, I think it could have, like the Girl Scout article, been better put to use as a one-liner as opposed to an entire article. If I were to express any other grievances, I suppose I could have done without the slackliner being naked. It's not really additive to the joke and, once again, appeals to a juvenile sense of humor.

The fifth and last article under the "Latest" tab is a story about the growing tensions between IHOP and Waffle House. While it certainly had promise, it's just sort of boring. The obvious jokes concerning Waffle House's hygiene standards (or lack thereof) and the fact that IHOP contains the word "International" fell flat. Once again, this story could have been effectively reduced to a one-liner while still conveying the same joke.

There you have it, readers. The five latest articles put out by the Rotten Appal are only slightly less unfunny than the plethora of crap that came before them, but I will hand it to them that minuscule improvements have been made. Perhaps in five years, the website may even make someone crack a smile. However, as it stands, the self-proclaimed "humor" publication is only capable of garnering the deadpan facial expression of the aforementioned law enforcement officer.

I give this week's edition 1 out of 5 chuckles and I'm being very generous due to the holidays. So, writers and staff of the Rotten Appal, what do you think? Am I full of shit? Feel free to write in a response and I will post it, unedited up here on my blog. I always welcome feedback and enjoy your critiques. Also, be sure to check in regularly for semi-daily content and share it with your friend, relatives, and former employers. Until next time!

Congress Fundamentally Changed Yesterday and You Probably Didn't Notice

While you were busy fawning over number 35  and/or binge watching Netflix yesterday, the United States Senate made a fundamental alteration concerning filibusters that may change the political playing field forever.

In the wake of GOP-led filibusters on almost every executive-branch nominee, the Senate voted to remove the super-majority needed to cut off debate in regards to filibustering a presidential nomination in favor of a simple majority. 

Now, if you're like me and speak English, you're probably wondering: "What the fuck am I reading?" I don't blame you; it's confusing language and still hard to wrap my head around. Allow me to attempt to explain to the best of my abilities.

In the past, if the President wanted to nominate someone to a cabinet position or to a federal judgeship, one could filibuster the appointment and only a supermajority of 60 votes within the senate could end the filibuster. Now, under the leadership of Harry Reid, an alteration to this rule has been made only requiring a simple majority. Ergo, in a Democratic controlled Senate, the Democrats have complete control over filibusters. This is called the "nuclear option" and its vocal proponent, Senator Majority Leader Reid, has done a complete 180 in terms of his support for the rule change.  I'll allow you to be the judge concerning this sudden change of heart.

As for the rule change itself and its effects on the future, some believe that this sets a precedent that will lead to the elimination of the filibuster altogether.

From Politico:

The Senate’s vote to push the button on the “nuclear option” is unprecedented and is likely to lead to a further erosion of the filibuster in the future. But for now, Senate Democrats haven’t pursued eliminating the filibuster on lawmaking, partially because Republicans control the House and frequently choose not to take up Senate-passed bills anyway.

Whether it changes further in the future or not, this shift in the way filibusters are handled on the Hill is monumental. Please take the time to educate yourselves on the process in which presidential nominees are appointed and decide for yourself if you think this will have positive or negative consequences. (Or, hell, maybe even no consequences....unlikely, though) 

I apologize for the sparse amount of information. I was only made aware of the majority of these terms yesterday evening and have been doing my best to gain a cursory understanding of them so that I could try and inform you, my lovely readers, of your government perpetually confusing actions. Thanks for reading and check out the linked articles for a far more thorough examination of the recent change! 

5 Things We Inexplicably Complain About

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and with it comes the expectation that we express our thankfulness for various things ranging from family to flat screens. But we often take the easy road out when straining our selfish little brains for something to be thankful for. After all, thanking god for the food on the table seems a little bit like cheating. Perhaps if it was delivered by cherubs to your table while woodland creatures pranced about singing "What A Wonderful World" you might have cause to thank a divine being. Otherwise, it just seems half-assed. Realizing, however, that coming up with creative recipients for our thanks is difficult, we here at The Daily Wit worked long and hard to give you some ideas. And what better way to find something you're thankful for than by looking at shit you normally bitch about? Thus, a list was born. Without further ado, here are five things we inexplicably complain about.

1. Construction

It impedes your drive to work. It wakes you up at 5am. It ruins your favorite views. Construction is like an annoying child that your significant other wouldn't let you put up for adoption. But, much like that child, you are forced to deal with it for the remainder of your life. There is ample reason to bitch about it. It's loud, invasive, and ruins routines on a daily basis throughout the country. The main grievance with construction tends to be its timing. However, no one ever has a better alternative to whatever time they're currently bitching about. Construction in the morning? Goddamit, I'm trying to get to work! Construction in the afternoon? Fuck you; it's lunch time! Construction at night? Fuckkkkkkk, I'm trying to sleep!

We complain endlessly about construction ruining our day, but I think it's just an excuse for us to bitch and moan with unanimous support from everyone around us. Indeed, throwing your hands up in despair ad then looking to the guy in the other lane incredulously is the quickest way to make a bitch-n-moan friend on the highway. Together you can share glances of disgust while pointing at the construction as if it's gleefully slaughtering puppies. It's true; nobody likes construction. But without it, literally nothing around us would exist. We'd be living under trees and eating dead squirrels and still probably be complaining about whoever grew this tree and how it blocks your view of the river.

2. Air Travel

Complaining about air travel is truly baffling. It's literally the one mode of transportation that gets you anywhere you want to go, yet it's somehow an inconvenience when you choose to do it. Ah, there's the caveat. You fucking choose to do it. Unless you're a high-powered businessman (you're reading my blog; you're not) you never HAVE to travel by air. You could just as easily drive there, albeit spend more time on the road. But, no, you chose to spend exorbitant amounts of money to fucking fly in the air to your destination and make it there in, like, 30 fucking minutes. And yet, when we get to the airport, we're automatically angry and stressed about every little thing. Your luggage is slightly over the weight limit? IT'S A GODDAMN CRISIS! Everyone around you now has to deal with your shitty attitude because you couldn't travel to Denver without your 10 pound biography of Steve Jobs.

As the holidays approach, this complaint will become more and more relevant. If you hate air travel, allow me to deliver some advice: Don't fly on a plane. Drive to Thanksgiving. Sure, it's more dangerous, possibly more expensive depending on how far away it is, and statistically more likely to make you want to kill your children, but at least you won't be sitting in first class bitching about how the only in-flight movie is "After Earth."

3. Fast Food

On the topic of easily avoidable irritations, fast food is one of those widely accepted complaints that everyone can enjoy bitching about. I mean, it's a fattening, corrupt industry. What's not to hate? But, much like air travel, no one is forcing your fat ass through the door. (And, if they are, you need to talk to someone) Ever since the documentary, "Super Size Me"demonstrated the harmful effects of fast food to the general public, Americans have gotten their collective panties in a wad over the industry. Which is absolutely fucking ridiculous. What, you mean stuffing your face with 90% sodium french fries is BAD for you? Holy shit on a stick! Fast food is quite obviously a terrible alternative to just about any other activity, but it's not like this is a big fucking secret. Hell, even McDonald's doesn't believe it when it tells people that they have "healthy options." It's a crock of shit (and a side of carbs) that their underworked PR people put out there to create the semblance of normality. But you know as well as I do that eating fast food is like swallowing a cancer pill.

Pictured: Cancer.

But that's ok! Just because it's shitty for you doesn't mean that it's not worth eating it every once and a while. But don't be a raging dickhead by bemoaning fast food to everyone you see and rambling on about its harmful effects. The majority of the literate population is quite cognizant of this and is eating their cancer quietly. Bringing it up every five minutes just demonstrates your own hypocrisy because we all know you had Wendy's last week. Own up to it and enjoy the tumors in 30 years.

4. "Kids these days..."

Listen, baby boomers, we get it. Your dream of bringing about social change and political upheaval didn't go exactly according to plan. But don't take out your failures on the newer generations. Sure, millennials are some of the most self-indulgent navel-gazers on the planet (I should know; I'm one of them). But for god's sake, stop bitching about every single damn thing we do. You want to know why we aren't as "respectful" and why we're "self-absorbed?" Because we were raised in a society that YOU created. Don't blame us for your shitty leadership. Furthermore, stop whining about the fact that we're on our phones and computers all the time. You fucked up the environment and tore a hole in the ozone layer, not us. We're inside because we don't want to breathe in the shitty air you created.

"I just don't see why you won't play outside!"

Laugh all you want at Occupy Wall Street, but it's the result of your careless handling of white collar crime and corruption within the banking industry. Oh, and before you make a joke about us living in our mothers' basements, perhaps you shouldn't have raped our economy to the point where finding a job is about as easy as finding $2.00 gas. (thanks for that too!) The point is, we're working our asses off in school and entry-level jobs to clean up the mess you created. Perhaps instead of sitting around and mumbling about how shit used to be better, you should be telling us what not to do. Though, believe us, we're quite aware of that after watching you fumble and fuck up everything that this country once held sacred. Just retire, live off of the dwindling social security that we'll never get and let us take it from here.

5. The movie version of the book

The book is always better. This is one of those universal truths similar to "The sun rises in the east" and "Adam Sandler movies are awful." We all know it and we all, for the most part, accept it. So, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop fucking telling us. Clearly the movie version is going to be subpar compared to the book, especially if you read the book first. The narrative structure of a book allows for an infinitely larger amount of explanation and description that a movie just doesn't have the time to encompass. But that doesn't make the movie version inherently bad. A film version of a story isn't supposed to be an exact visual representation of what was written down in the book. Rather, think of it as a visual interpretation of the story.  This way, one can look at the book and the movie as two separate entities and judge them as such as opposed to pitting them against each other in some nonsensical battle.

Beyond the mere stupidity of trying to justify why the book is better, it's just generally annoying. Having been to more than one midnight premier, allow me to express my irritation at every pretentious moron that walks out of the movie, dressed as Harry Potter and loudly complaining about the omission of some minute detail. So Harry's shoes weren't the same size as they were in the book. Fuck you and fuck the fact that you even know something like this. If you wanted to get every detail from the book, why don't you go and read the goddamn book? Stop going to movies with impossible expectations. Instead, go and enjoy a different creative outlet and accept the fact that movies and books will never be on the same playing field. You wouldn't go to a baseball game and complain about the lack of tackling would you? Though, this would make an otherwise snooze-worthy game slightly more bearable.

Thank you for reading! As always, be sure to like and share my posts with your friends, family, and deceased relatives on Facebook, Twitter, and whatever other life-sucking social media platform you use. Also, make sure you follow me on Twitter to expose yourself to even more wit in order to satiate your never-ending hunger for TDW. Until next time!

The Rotten Crappal: All The News That's Fit to Shit

Finding an object of derision is like finding your soul mate. You wade through a sea of unworthy candidates until you finally set your sights on the perfect match. Jon Stewart has CNN, I have the Rotten Appal. And while I wouldn't even begin to compare myself to the late night king, nor would I ever compare the Rotten Appal to a news organization as awful as CNN, I can't help but draw the comparison to some degree in order to illustrate how much shit I'm going to give this "humor" website over the next several months. Apropos to shit, it would seem the purveyor of poop has recently found a new muse. It's new bodily excrement that it seeks to capitalize off of is vomit. Yes, it's just as unfunny as poop was.

For clarity's sake and to provide a sort of disclaimer, making jokes concerning the various fluids and solids that exit our bodies is a perfectly reasonable way to approach humor. But it requires a modicum of savoir-faire, if you will. Merely tossing in a poop joke for the sake of garnering a 5th grade giggle isn't funny. In fact, it's irritatingly unfunny.

It is my sincere hope that the writers and staff members of the Rotten Appal stumble upon my humble little blog here. And, if all goes according to plan, they eventually will. You see, dearest readers, Wednesday is now dedicated to ruthlessly mocking the never-ending tide of god-awful jokes that spill out of the connoisseur of crap. Every week, the Appal will put out new content, and I will do my very best to tear it to shreds. While this is due in part to my perverse pleasure in tearing apart things I hate, it's also charity work. You see, the Rotten Appal has potential. Perhaps not it's current writers, but the publication as an entity has the potential to be a genuinely funny website. As the Statler and Waldorf to their Kermit, I will do my best to bluntly point out what is and isn't funny. If they're smart, they'll take my advice and work towards a better future. If not, they'll continue to put out trite and unfunny articles like "Top 10 Things Not To Include On Your Resume." (Also, lists are kinda my thing.)

In conclusion, while I hate everything the Rotten Appal currently is, and while my hump day updates will certainly be a reflection of that, I have hopes for the future. I am, after all, an optimist. If (and I mean if) I see improvement, I will be the first to admit it. But, until then, your banality and terrible jokes will be under my constant supervision, and I will have no mercy. Welcome to The Daily Wit.

Update: As I have been made aware that the writers of the Rotten Appal (or at least one of them) have seen my posts, I would like to send them an invitation to write a piece defending themselves which I will then post here on to my little blog, unedited. I am certainly an incendiary asshole, but everyone should have a chance to defend him/herself.

You may Facebook message me (James Chatham) your piece and I will throw it up on the blog immediately, if you so choose.

Rotten Appal Discovers Poop Jokes

Recently launched "humor" "publication," Rotten Appal, has been met with a resounding "oh." After announcing their intentions to produce content "soon" in early March, the website would then spend the next 8 months brewing up comedic genius and satire worthy of the Books-A-Million discount shelf.

But the staff, quickly realizing that writing humor is the hardest form of writing, hit a wall. Months were spent throwing observational comedy of current events up on the Facebook page to no avail.

"We were racking our brains for hours; nothing seemed to work," said an anonymous staff member. "But then (name redacted) went to the bathroom and, ten minutes later, emerged glowing. 'Give me a laptop.' he said. And we did. The rest is history."

Indeed, it would seem that a visit to the porcelain throne was all the Rotten Appal needed to kickstart their website. After the epiphany, the publication eschewed all satire in favor of jokes that involved bowel movements.

"We considered writing jokes that made people think. But that's boring and hard! Everybody likes poop!" stated one enthusiastic staff writer.

Thus, the culture of excrement would begin. It started simple, popping up in random articles. 

2. Pinch Out A Poo In Someone’s Truck Bed

While everyone’s off at the game, creep down to Raley Parking lot, jump into someone’s truck bed, lower your trousers, and do the deed.

The fecal matters were met with overwhelmingly positive response by the community.

"I love the Rotten Appal," exclaimed one fan. "I mean, they get me y'know? Like, I poop too and they totally GET that!"

After receiving such a great response, the website decided to make poop jokes the flagship of their operation. Recent articles like "Disgruntled Cottage Students Defecate in Unfinished Houses" and "Caged Porta-Potty Spotted Outside Raley Hall" have been met with uproarious laughter in all corners of the university.

"I haven't seen satire like this since Vonnegut." said one student, who had really only read the first ten pages of Slaughterhouse Five in high school.

However, slowing down and drinking in its success isn't the Rotten Appal's style. They are moving forward and doing so at high speeds.

"We started strong and we want to continue strong," said a staff writer. "We're already looking at different jokes we can implement into the Appal. We're strongly leaning towards 'your mom' jokes and jokes that end with 'PSYCHE!'"

Wherever the road leads them, it's sure to be littered with success. If you don't believe them, just look at their track record. No one can deny the comedic genius of the Rotten Appal.

Source: Rotten Appal Facebook page.

If you enjoyed this report, check in later for more articles on the Rotten Appal including "Rotten Appal Discovers That High People Get Hungry" and "Rotten Appal Discovers That Appalachian Mountains Are Haven For Meth Cooks"

James Chatham is an intern for The Daily Wit. You can follow him on Twitter (https://twitter.com/James_Chatham) and share his posts on Facebook. 

Joe Biden Doesn't Understand Phones

Joe Biden, the (presumably) second most powerful man in the free world, demonstrated Tuesday night that he is not able to properly call people using the telephone. Biden has been a gaffe-factory for some time now, so this isn't really surprising news. At this point, it's almost endearing.

They're all just praying he doesn't make a vaguely racist comment.

On Tuesday night after the mayoral elections in Boston, Vice President Biden called newly elected mayor, Marty Walsh to congratulate him. He reached Marty Walsh. Much to his surprise, however, this was not the Marty Walsh he was looking for. Hey, people make mistakes right? It gets worse (better). 

Upon being notified that he was speaking to the wrong person, Biden tried a new number. This, too, was not Marty Walsh. In fact, it wasn't even a guy. The cherry on top is that Biden left a voicemail on some poor woman's answering machine. The cherry on top of that cherry? It's been recorded for our listening pleasure. My friends, it is with great pleasure (and slight embarrassment) that I present you with our Vice President being an embarrassing dad that we beg to "Just stop." 

Holler, man!

The Bust of Blockbuster

Long ago, before the age of the internet, there was a place. A place where you could rent movies. A place where these movies were never fully rewound when you brought them back home. A place where you could run around the store, angry that they didn't have the 4th Season of Lost. We called this place many things: overpriced, badly stocked, disorganized. But it had a name that summed up all these points and more: Blockbuster.

A primitive depiction.

Although it was rife with flaws, it became a haven for my generation. Before Netflix, there was the excitement of driving to Blockbuster and picking out a movie to watch with some friends. You'd use your Blockbuster card, barely held together by the shitty plastic it was made with, to check out a couple of shitty movies that you only bought because it said "Partial Nudity" in the rating description. Before you went to check out, there was an assortment of artery clogging snacks to supplement your shitty movie. Such was the weekend routine, and it never failed to be exciting and rewarding every time. A trip to Blockbuster wasn't just an errand; you weren't there to complete a task. No, going to Blockbuster was a ritual. Albeit, one that smelled vaguely of old popcorn and plastic, but a ritual nonetheless.

Don't get me wrong; I welcome progress. The advent of Netflix and Hulu has expanded my entertainment capabilities tenfold. But the adventure of walking into an old Blockbuster with the intent of having no intent is one that I will miss. It is with some sadness that I announce that Blockbuster is closing its remaining stores here in the US. DISH Network, owners of Blockbuster, announced that it will close all of "its approximately 300 remaining U.S.-based retail stores." The biggest surprise came when it was revealed that there were 300 remaining Blockbusters. 

The announcement is bittersweet. On the one hand, it allows the beloved store of our youth to leave with some dignity. But on the other, heavily nostalgic hand, it marks the end of an era. An era in which renting a movie wasn't merely pointing your remote at the screen and choosing whatever popped up first. Finding a movie was just as much an experience as watching it. It was a Friday night activity with friends. It was getting a game and hoping to beat it in the three days you had. It was wandering the aisles and stumbling upon "Evil Bong" and wondering what the fuck it was. It was Blockbuster. 

We here at The Daily Wit salute you, Blockbuster. You shall be sorely missed.

10 Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas

Shit! It's October 31st and you have nothing to wear this evening. Have no fear, The Daily Wit is here! After seeing the thousandth person post Buzzfeed's secondhand list of 26 "clever" Halloween costumes, I decided to write up my own list. Unlike Buzzfeed, mine is original and doesn't include pictures. Like Buzzfeed, however, my ideas are shitty and thrown together at the last minute. But that's the theme of this list. For those of you who woke up this morning and forgot it was Halloween, here are ten costume ideas to quickly throw together for that party you will inevitably end up at.

1. A Homeless Person 

This costume requires nothing more than a plastic bag and terrible hygiene. For some of you in college, this may be the easiest costume on the list. Halloween is already a holiday that celebrates panhandling. If you're an asshole, you can use this costume to make a social statement. For added effect, wear a cardboard sign around your neck that gives statistics about the homeless. Much like the homeless, however, people will most likely ignore them.

Required materials:
-Trash bag
-Tin can
-Mangy dog
-Cardboard sign (optional)
-Sharpie that you can take hits off of intermittently throughout the night.

2. A Sexy Homeless Person 

Similar to "A Homeless Person" but with strategically cut holes in your trash bag. You may also want use your cardboard sign to write your hourly rate. If you catch my drift.

Required materials:
See "A Homeless Person" above.

3. A Pile of Leaves

It's fall and, as the name implies, the leaves are all around us. Rather than put them in an inexplicable pile why not use them as a costume? They work as excellent camouflage and, in the very good chance you aren't invited to a party, you can lie on the side of the road and wait to scare little children and drunk college students alike. If you have a buddy who is as sad as you are, you can get him to be a middle class suburban father who follows you around with a rake. Remember, you're the only thing keeping him from beating his family!

Required Materials:
-Leaves
-Elmer's Glue
-Sadness

4. Sexy iPod

Let's face it, you aren't getting laid tonight. This costume requires you to dress as an iPod and scream "Let's Get it On" at the top of your lungs until you get thrown out of the party. For the people who throw you out, it's like skipping a song on Pandora. And, on that note, be sure to burst back in and scream advertisements at them for an inappropriately long time.

Required Materials:
-Whatever is required to make an iPod costume
-The chorus of "Let's Get it On" ( you don't need to know the WHOLE song)

5. Sexy Zune

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Required materials:
-Knowledge of what a Zune looks like. This is probably the hardest material to get.

6. A hot girl

Halloween, while often associated with candy and razor blades, is also known for slutty girls. And, let's face it, us guys don't give a shit if you're wearing a costume or not. Under our costumes, we're perspiring at a rapid rate because a) The costume we're wearing is uncomfortable and b) You're giving us the time of day. So fuck a costume. Just show up and flaunt what you've got. You may be stupid every other day of the year, but you're a queen tonight.

Required materials:
-Great genetics
-A modicum of confidence

7. An airbag

After removing the airbag from your car using the proper tools, strap this on and prepare for the greatest night of your life. Over the course of the evening, whenever you see someone doing something you deem unsafe, launch yourself at them while making a high pitched wail. You'll be the life (saver) of the party! Not to mention, when some douche tries to knock you out, you'll have enough padding to withstand his blows. Where was this costume when you were getting your ass kicked in middle school?

Required materials:
-An airbag
-A desire to piss people off

8. A white guy 

People are pretty up in arms this year over blackface.  But why should white people have all the racially insensitive fun? If you're black or vaguely ethnic, I invite you to plaster on whiteface and spend your evening talking about stocks and engaging in other caucasian activities. Warning: Development of white man's guilt is often a side effect associated with whiteface. You may start finding yourself getting offended at shit that doesn't affect you. This will only wear off after you reenter the real world.

Required materials:
-White paint
-A cardigan
-A Dave Matthews Band album.

9. Sexy Mormon

Switch out those magic whitey tighties for a pair of magic boxer briefs. If you're a woman, hike that skirt up above your ankles and expose those suckers. Tonight, you are going to bed at 9pm and ain't nobody gonna tell you otherwise! Can't drink alcohol? No problem. We have Bud Light for you.

Required materials:
-Short sleeve white button up
-A tie that's too wide
-A Schwinn

10. Drunk

When all fails, fuck it! It's Halloween, bitches! Drink till you think the monsters are real and enjoy your candy corn on its way back up.

From us here at The Daily Wit to you, Happy Halloween! Don't drink and drive and don't go home with anything less than a 6.

Mother Ripped Off Son's Scrotum and Then Tried to Superglue It Back On

And today's award for cringe-worthy story goes to...

Jennifer Marie Vargas: mother, devoted wife, and mangler of genitals. After pissing off his mother, the 6 year old son of Vargas had his dangly bits torn as punishment. Realizing that tearing your child's balls isn't exactly normal behavior, Vargas attempted to remedy the situation by doing the only sane thing she knew: supergluing his scrotum back together. I'm not sure, but I believe this is the adult, un-Disneyfied version of Humpty Dumpty that The Brothers Grimm originally wrote down. (Citation pending)

Vargas's husband, a soldier stationed at Joint Base San Antonio, arrived home to find his son crying with bloody paper towels stuffed down his underwear. Upon closer inspection, he found that his son's scrotum had been partially severed and that there was a 4 cm-long tear and bruising. 

Men, you may take a moment to cry.

The FBI was notified (because scrotum injuries are serious shit) and Vargas was taken into custody. The affidavit states that Vargas admitted to inflicting the injury out of anger. Reading the last several sentences of the affidavit, its clear that even the FBI couldn't contain its disbelief at the utter stupidity of the situation. 

Vargas was charged with assault within maritime and territorial jurisdiction resulting in serious bodily injury and could face up to 10 years in prison.  Charges for crimes against mankind and possessors of scrotums everywhere are still being discussed by a special male jury made up of George Clooney, Chuck Norris, and Teddy Roosevelt's corpse. 

As for the poor child, he was rushed to a hospital and surgeons were able to repair the damage. But there are some things you just can't fix. We here at The Daily Wit salute your "trust of women" as it is laid to rest for the remainder of your existence. 

New iPad to be Revealed....Now

Watch the live keynote here and see Gizmodo's live blog here. 

Man, I hope this one is even smaller!

Happy Snark Free Day!

In one of the most futile attempts in human history, the good people over at PRConsultants Group have deemed today, October 22, to be Snark Free Day!

"Fuck that shit."-Oscar Wilde

Toni Antonetti, a director for the project, has this to say on the topic of being snark free:

Instead of taking the cheap shot, take the high road. People have been emboldened by the anonymity and immediacy of online commenting. On Oct. 22, we’re asking others to commit to taking just a moment before speaking, hitting send or posting to think about the effect our words have on those who receive them. Be snark-free for one day.

Ironically enough, the snark-freedom fighters have put up a video on the snarkiest (albeit, least clever) place on the internet:

In the above video, subtly named protagonist (antagonist?) Jonathan Snark is used to demonstrate the harmful effects of snark. These effects include: pussies realizing they are pussies, the development of "snark" taste buds, and the ability to hold large letters. Snark sounds more like a superpower after they are done fumbling around trying to explain its drawbacks.

As a purveyor of snarky material, I feel personally offended by this attack on my way of life. So, in response, I urge each and every one of you to post the snarkiest comment you can muster on their YouTube video. Also, if you work at a job that deals with a lot of stupid people (Read: any job), be sure to be extra snarky to your customers, coworkers, and anyone else that doesn't have the power to fire you. Furthermore, I call for this snark to be dragged out for the rest of the week. Happy Snark Week everybody! (cwutididthere)

JPMorgan Possibly Striking a $13 Billion Settlement

At around 3 PM today, it was rumored that JPMorgan Chase & Co., the bank responsible for that whole housing crisis thing, (In case you've forgotten...) is close to coming to a $13 billion mortgage settlement with the US Government.

CNBC reports,

"During a late Friday call between JPMorgan Chief Executive Jamie Dimon, Attorney General Eric Holder and lawyers for both sides, the bank agreed to pay about $13 billion to settle civil cases pending with the Justice Department, the New York Attorney General, and the Federal Housing Finance Agency."

 The FHFA accused JPMorgan and its affiliates of giving false information and withholding the truth "in selling $33 billion in mortgage funds to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac from September 7, 2005 through Sept. 19, 2007."

If this is the case and the Justice Department goes through with this deal, this settlement would be the, as Fox Business puts it, "largest-ever settlement involving a U.S. Company."

Furthermore, this would not release the bank from criminal liability, according to a Reuters source. 

Justice served? Only time will tell. Details will be added as they come.

Shutdown Potentially Costs US $24 Billion

From the get go, we knew the shutdown would have adverse effects. We all heard about the stories concerning furloughed workers and low income families. But, now that the shutdown has been effectively ended, what are the lingering effects on the US economy? Oh, you know, just about $24 billion potentially down the drain. 

Due to the loss of government services during the three week shutdown, our gross domestic product (GDP) took a 3.1 billion hit. And, as CNBC reports, that's just from lost government services. The rest of the lost billions are reportedly attributed to "non-government business losses, temporary layoffs, and other interruptions in business spending."

Now, to be fair, this is purely based on media speculation and its safe to say that the main goal is to squeeze out the last bit of hype from the shutdown before we move on to our next crisis. However, even with that in mind, its worth noting that political temper tantrums cost the United States billions of dollars and almost rammed us right through the debt ceiling.  Food for thought.

Enjoy your Friday!

Senate Reaches Deal to Reopen US Government

On Wednesday (today, for those of you without calendars), the Senate arrived at an agreement on a bipartisan deal to reopen the government and extend its borrowing authority. After three weeks of a government shutdown brought on by Republicans hoping to defund the Affordable Care Act, the final deal "yielded no concessions to the Republicans." So, to answer the prevailing question: Boehner blinked first.

Source: The New York Times

What does the agreement entail? It funds our government until January 15th and gives us the authority to keep borrowing through February 7th. Which, in essence, means that the problem isn't necessarily being fixed, but put off. One can't help but admire these politicians for continuing the teenage stereotype by going from stubborn refusal to procrastination. This is like handing the fate of our country to a classroom of high school juniors. And, at this point, I might have more faith in kids to handle this than our nation's "leaders." However, I am editorializing. Back to facts.

This announcement came when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid took the Senate floor this afternoon.

"We're going to do everything we can to change the atmosphere in the Senate," Reid said.  

During Reid's announcement, Senator Ted Cruz, the never ending conservative mouth piece, announced that he would NOT delay a senate vote on the deal. And the country sighed in relief.

At this point, however, there has been no mention of when the deal would be vote on in the House. As the House is Republican controlled, its not safe to say that we are not out of the woods yet, but judging by the tired look on Boehner's face, I can't imagine anyone wants to keep up this silly game much longer.