The Morning WTF: Noodles Become Currency of the Underworld

It's Monday, the sun is shining (behind the clouds) and the Internet is rife with weird ass shit. It can be a drag to sift through it all and find the best stories, but luckily for you, The Daily Wit is here to condense it all for you into three convenient categories: weird, topical, and funny. But, first, our bodacious babe of the day:

Everyone bow down.

Weird: Noodles Break Friendships 

There are very few places on this planet where noodles are craved with a carnal passion. College is one of those places. After a long day of bullshit and rain (seriously, get the fuck out) you just want to relax and eat some cheap noodles. But in college, it's only 50% likely that you will get stabbed with a prison shank for screwing someone out of his or her noodles. In other noodle craving environments, that chance of death skyrockets. 

 A riot broke out in a juvenile correctional facility (prison for toddlers) in Avon Park, Florida after a disagreement over a cup of noodles. The backstory: Two teams of five inmates made a bet over a basketball game in which the winner got three cups of noodles. One team lost and they refused to give up their noodles, resulting in a fight that riled up the other inmates. Chaos ensued and the entire facility was ransacked. The police officers of Avon Park Youth Academy (the most euphemistic name for a prison I have ever heard) tried to contain it, but were unsuccessful for hours as the juveniles broke into offices and burned records, perhaps hoping that they'll magically clean their criminal history that way. They also broke into the medical room and desperately searched for drugs. Just a good old day at the correctional facility. 

The riot was eventually subdued and seven kids were sent to the hospital. No word on whether or not anyone got any noodles. 

Topical: Greenwald's Partner Held for Nine Hours

David Miranda, the partner of Glenn Greenwald (the journalist that broke the Snowden story, you troglodytes) was held for questioning at Heathrow Airport in the UK for nine hours with no charge. He was detained under the "Schedule 7 of the Terrorism Act of 2000" but only questioned about Edward Snowden. Because Snowden = Terrorism all of a sudden. The security officials at Heathrow confiscated all of his electronic possessions including his cell phone and have not returned them as of yet. Miranda was eventually released after the allotted time officials could hold him was used up. 

Journalists from The Guardian tried to reach him while he was in questioning but were denied access along with Brazilian officials, including the UK ambassador. Interesting. Greenwald, however, seems undeterred by this show of power by the English government. He has stated,

The UK and US governments believe that tactics like this are going to deter or intimidate us in any way from continuing to report aggressively on what these documents reveal, they are beyond deluded. If anything, it will have only the opposite effect: to embolden us even further.

Good for you, Greenwald. You won't be alive for much longer, but good for you! 

Funny: Patton Oswalt is a Damn Genius

It is not ok to think



Rape is a woman's fault.


Now before you burn me at the stake, allow me to unveil some comedy before your eyes. This weekend, rather than make the same old boring tweets people create all the fucking time, Patton Oswalt decided to fuck with his followers and, in the process, create quite a bit of media buzz. I could explain it to you, but it is much better experienced if it is seen. Below are a couple of examples. 

The tweet in question:

Hitler was absolutely right about the Jews. And I don't care how many "white power" redneck followers I lose by Tweeting that.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

What preceded it:

Oh, you think repealing voting laws in the south is justified, you racist asshole? I suppose you ALSO believe that
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

Another tweet in question:

whites and "darks" should be kept separate. Sorry if that sounds too "tree-huggy" to my conservative followers.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

The other tweet that preceded it:

When it comes to doing laundry, I firmly believe in using environment-friendly detergent and I ALSO believe
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

The humor, if explained too far, loses its comedic touch. What really makes this significant is its satire on sound bites and how one part of a sentence can be completely misconstrued and turned into a whole media hullabaloo.  Oswalt was being funny, but he was also being witty. As a purveyor of wit, I tip my internet hat to him.

Thank you for reading, my mentally imbalanced fans. Please do your part to spread the wit and like my content, comment on it, and share it with everyone you can find in the Yellow Pages. (Also, you'll need to find an actual Yellow Pages) Until next time!