Story Of the Day: Anthony Weiner Beats Man With A Bat

This is the single greatest and most confusing story I have ever encountered. A Boston man with the same name as the perpetually sexting New York politician has been tossed in jail for beating a 21 year old man that he caught "wooing his wife."

It sounds crazy because it totally is. Anthony Weiner, 25 (again, not the same Weiner that's been tossing his schlong around), apparently sexted a 21 year old man under the guise of his wife in order to lure him to his house. He then reportedly tied the man to a chair and proceeded to beat the living shit out of him with a wooden bat. But because the universe is hilariously dark and because Weiner decided that he didn't have enough phallic objects in this torture scene, he then threatened the man with a power drill and a BB gun.

Still not as scary as this picture.

Weiner finally released the poor dude when he began to vomit because, ew vomit is gross. After later being arrested, he immediately admitted to his crimes, putting him a step ahead of his New York counterpart when it comes to tact. (You know, aside from the whole pummeling a dude within an inch of his life) 

But wait! There's more! This wasn't the first time that Weiner had displayed his absolutely insanity and violent tendencies. At his wedding reception one year prior, he allegedly punched his mother-in-law in the face because she had gotten in a fight with his own mother. This is the most white trash I've seen in one place since Black Friday at Wal Mart. 

Sure, there are a lot of traumatized people in this situation and making light of it is insensitive, but this has to be the greatest goddamn thing ever to happen to the world of comedy. I've only lightly touched on the comedic potential of this story. I gift it to you and hope that you carry it with you like a closely guarded dick picture on your iPhone. Unlike that picture, however, I request that you show it to all of your friends and family.