The Morning WTF: Sharks On A Train

Good morning and welcome, friends, family, and foreigners. This is The Morning WTF, the show that leaves you happy and satisfied, unlike those OTHER blogs. So lean back, don't make eye contact, and enjoy today's dose of wit. But first, as always, your lovely lady of the day:

You may have Heard of her. 

Whoa: Not Weird, But Holy Shit

Today's first topic is brought to you by the letter "W" but instead of being weird, it's just plain awesome.

Skydiving is like giving mother nature the finger. Deliberately going as far in the air as possible and then just jumping out is telling the world that you want to see how close you can come to dying today. There are plenty of things that could go wrong and result in your body painting the surface of the earth like a goddamn mural. But, for some people, merely jumping out of a plane isn't enough to satisfy their self-loathing. Sometimes you have to lock yourself in a fucking box and get thrown out of a plane. 

Anthony Martin, an escape artist, decided that his life was way too mundane to just spend getting out of boxes the normal way. He needed to do it while careening through the sky and at an incredible speed. If you had thrown some snakes in that box, you'd have all three of my phobias in one! But one wonders who insulted Anthony's normal game and forced him to take his act to the sky. Maybe it was his mom, calling to tell him that she just saw a man on TV who was a lot more impressive. Maybe his buddies told him that just because he had learned to get out of the locker didn't mean he wasn't a pussy. Maybe he has a small penis. The world may never know, but he certainly dazzled us today and lived to escape another day. 

Topical: No shit.....Oh shit! 

At first glance, today's report from NPR seems like a no-brainer. "NSA Is Searching 'Vast Amounts' Of Americans' Emails." No shit, Sherlock. That's sort of been a talking point for the past month. Maybe you missed it?  But upon further investigation, the article reveals some startling and disturbing details. 

Charlie Savage, a reporter for The New York Times wrote a piece today concerning the NSA and what, exactly, it's been up to. As we have been salivating over new information about Edward Snowden, we have irresponsibly overlooked the valuable information that he dragged out into the light. The NYT puts that information under a microscope and confirms my suspicion that I don't even have to mention a buzz word to get tagged for surveillance. Merely speaking with someone that's in a foreign country can spark the NSA's interest in your private emails. But we knew this already. The real kicker is that the NSA "is also casting a far wider net for people who cite information linked to those foreigners, like a little used e-mail address." How vague and ambiguous.

I won't read the entire article to you, but you get the gist of it. The NSA is becoming less and less choosy about whose privacy they violate and that's a fucking problem. It may not seem like much now. I mean, no one I know has been carted off my mysterious men in black vans, but if this is the way the NSA is going, even in the face of public acknowledgement, the future doesn't look good for our personal privacy. Perhaps most disturbing is that most people brush off this information with a shrug and go about their days without actually thinking about what this means. Without critical thought by an informed electorate, this sort of shit will keep happening. So, please, I implore you to read about this and inform yourself. You don't have to freak out and start building a bomb shelter, but for the love of god, be aware.

Funny: Sharks In The City 

According to the Internet it's Shark Week but I wouldn't know because I don't have cable. Yes, that makes me better than you. But for all the hype over sharks this week, no one was expecting the creatures to turn up in a New York City subway. Thankfully for us, one did. A dead shark, just lying around on the ground like a goddamn homeless person, was found on a subway in Queens and nobody knows why. If this is some kind of fucked up publicity stunt by the Discovery Channel, I approve. 

Many people took pictures of the little guy and shortly after he was found, he was reported to transit officials who unceremoniously threw him in the trash. Yes, you heard that correctly. They threw him in the trash. Because New York City. But before he was dumped, something glorious happened. One hilarious individual saw this moment and knew that there was only one thing he could do. 

Reenact Weekend at Bernie's with a fucking shark.

If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. I want there to be a dead shark on every subway ride if this is the kind of comedy gold that will get mass communicated. This shark may not be the king of the sea anymore, but he sure as hell was the king of New York City for a day. Like Sinatra, his little town blues melted away and he swam his way into our hearts and smoked himself to his death. Three cheers for this fuckin' shark.

Thanks for reading, everybody! I finally finished an article before noon! I have noticed an increased amount of sharing and liking, and for that I am thankful! Keep on sharing, liking and commenting and make sure you tell your friends and family that The Daily Wit is the shit.