The Morning WTF: Actual "WTF?" Edition

Today's WTF isn't comprised of three fun, short topics so I apologize if you were expecting that this morning. Today is made up on a single story that falls under all three categories: weird, topical, and funny. The latter category is a little shaky, but I suppose it's the absolute absurdity of the article and the stupidity of the writer that makes it funny to me. But, first, as always your hottie with a body for the day:

AND she smokes pot. 

WTF: Man Trashes Marijuana, Pulls Evidence Out Of His Ass

As you may know, we here at The Daily Wit love CNN in the same way that we love the lawyer from Jurassic Park. It's just fun to see them fuck up and fail. (Or, in his case, fuck up and die) So when they give me a reason to lay into them, I won't just write a little bit on them; I will unleash the full fury of mid-morning rage on them. I woke up this morning and perused my RSS feed in search of the normal articles I cover and stumbled upon an opinion piece on CNN. This piece was written by a Howard C. Samuels and is about the ill effects of marijuana. It is laughably stupid.

Pictured here: An asshole.

The piece opens with the author trying to explain to his son why people are trying to legalize marijuana. He is taken aback by the question and is left trying to fumble his way through it. Evidently, he merely transcribed the shitty, fumbling talk that he gave to his son when writing this article. There are so many logical and factual fallacies in this article it's not even funny. (Well, it's a little funny)

"Neither my wife nor I anticipated that our son would be stopped on the street by unscrupulous potheads petitioning outside of the local grocery store and being fed a line of rhetoric that went against what we were trying to teach him."

This is the first in a long line of bullshit to exit this man's mouth/fingers. If he had hyperbolized any more, he would have called them cancer-sucking teenager terrorists, trying to fill the world's youth with carcinogens and tar in an attempt to cull the population for their own "unscrupulous" purposes.  Also, the notion that anyone who supports legalization of pot is a "pothead" is fucking ignorant. First of all, there are some people who support its legalization who smoke it casually and without a carnal need for it. Others support it and don't even take part in its consumption. These people may not even necessarily think its good for you, but they are reasonable enough to realize that the fact that it's illegal is dreadfully stupid.

"I'm not interested in focusing on the symptom; I want to eradicate the problem. And the problem is that we're even considering legalizing marijuana at all."

Oh, this should be good.

"Why are some of the people who petition for legalizing marijuana so passionate about it? Because when you smoke pot, you get loaded. You fry your brain. That's why the patients I see in my treatment center call it "getting baked." Pot is all about getting really high."

When Howard C. Samuels farts, it sounds like the above statements. To come up with those "facts" Howard closed his eyes and slammed his head into his keyboard until those five sentences sat staring back at him. If you died and went to Hell, these five sentences are what Satan would whisper into your ear for eternity. I have seen a bevy of superfluous claims made by fatuous old white men concerning marijuana, but this string of word vomit takes the cake.

"Now, I have nothing against people who smoke pot. In fact, I believe it is a crime to put someone in prison for smoking pot."

Oh, well thank god!  And here I thought you were going to call us all unscrupulous potheads who only want to get loaded and fry our brains so that we can "lie around all day." I mean, you could only think that it you pulled apart your own asshole, put your ear to it, and listened to the sound of your bowel movements for writing inspiration.

"Marijuana supporters like to argue that marijuana is similar to alcohol. While alcohol is legal, it also accounts for tens of thousands of deaths every year in car accidents or other drinking-related misfortunes. But we can't turn the clock back on that one because it's too embedded in our society."

I'm starting to wonder if Howard is just a really effective troll or if he's honestly this stupid. Apparently the entirety of the 1920s has slipped his mind and Prohibition would have worked if we had ever tried that! If only the Temperance Movement had taken off, we could have successfully made alcohol illegal and all our problems would have been solved. No negative consequences could have arisen from that!

An entire series based on events that apparently never happened.

Perhaps even more ridiculous than his memory slipping on history is his claim that marijuana supporters claim that pot is akin to alcohol. If anything, we tend to point out that it is less harmful than alcohol. Which is not a fact that we pulled out of our asses, it's a fact that we pulled from science. Because you clearly don't know the difference, allow me to explain: Science is when actual experiments and tests are done and factual evidence is found as opposed to your shitty anecdotes about how you used to smoke marijuana and sit around all day in your underwear. And let science open your very willfully closed eyes for a second. There have been 0 accounts attributing marijuana as the primary suspect of death. I can't think of anything else on the planet that has that clean of a track record. Hell, water kills more people than marijuana does. But I imagine facts are inconvenient to your emotionally driven argument.

"Do you know why we don't see potheads out in public? It's because they're sitting at home smoking weed and staring at their television sets or playing video games all day. Do you have any idea how many marijuana addicts I encounter at my rehab on a daily basis? They talk about wanting to be productive. But what pot does is it kills their motivation -- it destroys people's ability to go out and work and to have a career. It makes them want to do nothing but lie around all day. Is that what you want for your children? Is that what you want for your loved ones?"

Ah, yes. No one has ever been successful after smoking pot.

"You're a fucking idiot." -Carl Sagan

 "I know what marijuana does to the human mind because I started smoking weed when I was 15 years old. It literally robbed me of my motivation to participate in my own life. I was absolutely OK with sitting around all day eating cookies and watching television and getting high with my friends. But, to go out and earn a living and do something with my life? That was all stuff that I was going to do later after I came down off of the marijuana. But, then I'd smoke some more and think, "Why bother?" . . . and, eventually, I started shooting heroin."

Howard C. Samuels couldn't have killed his argument better if he had smoked a joint while writing this. Howard, your personal experiences are irrelevant. Giving your anecdotes as evidence to prove your clumsily crafted point is like me saying "Hey, I drank a beer once and it made me throw up my spleen! ILLEGALIZE IT, CAP'N!" Anything you say after "I..." when trying to prove the effects of a substance is irrelevant.

Furthermore, your addiction to heroin is a very tell-tale sign. Seeing as the good majority of marijuana users do not go on to use heroin, it's safe to assume that you may have just had a lazy, addictive personality. Rather than blame the drugs for robbing you of your livelihood, perhaps it was just your shitty decisions that did that!

"Even if you only stay with marijuana in your repertoire of illicit drugs to abuse, it will never yield positive results. Ever."

It was around this time that I started thinking this article had to be a satire. No one could possibly be this incomprehensibly stupid and ignorant. Not a single human on this planet could possess the lack of brainpower that is being demonstrated here. This has to be some divine joke that I will get to the end of and laugh about. It's not. Howard C. Samuels is a fucking insane moron.

"And, I posit this to marijuana abusers everywhere: Are you really that weak? Are you really that uncomfortable in your own skin that you can't handle living your life or having real experiences without being high? Is it really impossible for you to live life without a drug? Because, if it is, it breaks my heart and I feel sorry for you. Because that's no way to live."

Howard C. Samuels is the amalgamation of a broken copy machine and a senior citizen's cell phone going off. His words could only make less sense if they were coming out of a pig's toenail in the voice of Jimmy Hoffa. When Howard C. Samuels opens his mouth to speak, yellow jackets fly out and attack anyone within earshot.

"And, to the potheads who are so passionate about being allowed to smoke their lives away, I have only one thing to say: Dream On."

 A fitting ending to a weak, unsupported, logically fallacious argument comprised of personal anecdotes, idiotic statements, and more diarrhea than a truck stop bathroom. So, at the end of his rambling essay, one wonders why someone like Howard C. Samuels has been allowed to write for "The Most Trusted Name In News." Well, to understand that, we have to learn about who Howard is. The answers won't surprise you, but they will explain his utter idiocy.

Howard is a former addict who turned his life around after his father's death in 1984. His father, it should be noted, was a former member of Lyndon Johnson's cabinet. After years of addiction to heroin, alcohol, and other drugs, he finally went into rehab and got himself straight. Afterwards, he went on to study at NYU for film, but after an epiphany (Read: failure) he realized his true calling was alcohol treatment and recovery. Long story short, he got his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and opened up a clinic. How do I know all this? Because I read in on his "About" page from his website. A website for his practice: The Hills Treatment Center in Malibu. A website mentioned in his article on CNN. A website that would be seen by various gullible and easily swayed people who may be suffering addiction this very second. Howard C. Samuels, you unscrupulous bastard.

Thank you for reading! I had a great time writing this article and I hope you have a great time reading it! Please share with your friends and like my page, Facebook posts, etc. Let's spread the word of Howard C. Samuels together and take the bastard and his stupid fucking opinions down. You can contact him here.