The Morning WTF: Attack On Mosque Leaves 44 Dead

Good morning and Happy Tuesday! It's time for The Morning WTF, the show where news is informative, entertaining and, per the name of this blog, witty. But, before we start, your daily dose of eye candy:

Thank you, Phil Collins. 

Weird: Neanderthals Conquer Stereotype 

Unbeknownst to many under the current US education system, neanderthals and humans are of two separate species. Modern day humans are not, contrary to popular belief, descended from the troglodytic creatures. In actuality, it would appear that we may have shared a common ancestor hundreds of thousands of years ago, but were otherwise fairly different in both physical make up and mental capacity. However, images of the butt scratching neanderthal perpetuated by Far Side cartoons and Geico commercials may be a thing of the past.

Recent findings suggest that neanderthals may not have been as primitive as we have made them out to be through pop culture and anthropocentrism. Researchers have discovered  bone tools that appear to have been made before neanderthals ever encountered humans. This would run contrary to the prevailing theory that humans taught the neanderthals to make such tools. But it would appear that neanderthals were independent and didn't need no man. In fact, it would seem that neanderthals possessed an intelligence far beyond what we have given them credit for.

Deep within, he's holding the cure for cancer.

The tools found include "lissoirs" which is a fancy term for a smoother "to make animal hides tougher and more water-resistant." Most of the tools are thought to be between 42,000 and 47,000 years old with the oldest tool weighing in at an impressive 51,000 years. What's even more significant is that these same tools are used today by modern leather workers.

So, even in the face of human discrimination, these cave dwelling denizens are rapidly proving their intelligence and capabilities as a species on their own. Maybe some day they will get the respect they deserve and stop being featured in embarrassing Geico commercial roles and start giving TED talks on global culture and the impact it has. Or maybe they just figured out a good use for bones. Still didn't create computers and bombs. Fuck yeah, humans! 

Topical: Deadly Attack In Nigeria Leaves 44 Dead

In the past several days, an Islamist militant group has been conducting deadly attacks in Nigeria, racking up a death toll of up to 56. Local reports are claiming numbers as high as 60 dead. What is not in dispute, however, is the recent attack on a mosque in Konduga that left 44 dead. The gunmen were wearing military uniforms, according to Bloomberg Businessweek. 

The gunmen are believed to be with Boko Haram, the less popular cousin of Al Qaeda. Their inferiority complex has led them to commit some pretty awful atrocities recently. Back in July, the group was responsible for shooting up a Nigerian school, killing 30 people. 29 of those people were children. Their reason? The name "Boko Haram" roughly translates to mean "western education is forbidden." 

For now, experts are unclear on whether or not Boko Haram has the reach and ability to launch an attack on the United States. 

Funny: Man Gets Drunk, Man Steals Ambulance, Man Doesn't Think About Consequences

Stealing a car is risky as it is. With the invention of license plates, car registration, proof of insurance and numerous other ownership guaranteeing failsafes, it's kinda hard to drive around in a stolen car without arousing suspicion. But when you jump into a government vehicle and drive it off without permission, you are just preparing future you for a whole lot of shit.

Cesar Garcia, a native of Chandler, Arizona, was just enjoying an average Sunday morning, drinking beer inside a grocery store, when he was arrested for....something. I haven't quite figured out what, yet. After being slapped with a citation and told to go home, he decided that citations were for pussies and jumped in a fucking ambulance. 

"We'll leave the keys in the ignition for you!" 

As expected, police weren't thrilled that the local alcoholic had just driven away with expensive government property and gave chase. The authorities near his home were notified and tried to stop him to which Garcia replied by continuing to drive. But rather than lead them on a merry chase through Arizona, he just drove home and parked. Just parked a fuckin' ambulance outside his house and thought they'd be down with that. Unfortunately for Garcia, they were rather miffed by his decision to steal their stuff and their attempt to arrest him resulted in a "physical altercation." (Read: Crazy man flailing wildly)

The face of terrible decisions.

Due to his antics, he was charged with felony motor theft, two counts of aggravated assault on a police officer, resisting arrest, felony flight and aggravated driving under the influence. I don't know what "felony flight" is but it sounds impressive. Whatever the motivation behind his lackadaisical stealing of an ambulance and the subsequent driving it home as if it were completely normal, it resulted in an absolutely hilarious situation that could have easily been avoided if he had just acted like a normal human. But he isn't, and for that, we thank him.  

That's all for The Morning WTF! I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope that you show me your appreciation by liking, commenting, and sharing my work with your friends, family and easily offended coworkers. I may be back later today with a witty diatribe but time is of the essence and who knows where my day will take me. Check in later and your hunger for wit may be satiated.