The Morning WTF: Obama Throws a Fit

Hello and welcome to The Morning WTF! The show where we rapidly go down a list of the weird, the topical, and the funny in an attempt to both brighten your day and keep you informed. It's Hump Day! Have you humped your significant other yet? If not, you'll need to tell him or her to hold on, because you've got some wit to read. First up, your lovely lady to kickstart your day:

Screw how we met her mother. I'd like to meet her.

Weird: What is this? A book for ants??

In today's world with all of its distractions and short attention spans, reading has become a difficult thing for the majority of the population. (Citations lacking) It requires a level of concentration that can only be achieved by someone whose mind hasn't been fried by the internet and all of the latest gadgets and apps. But even for those of us who read, there comes a point where difficulty supersedes our desire to continue this age old practice. This difficulty arises when you make a book too fucking small.

The library at The University of Iowa recently discovered "a book the size of a ladybug." Because, you know, why not? The tiny tome measures 0.138 inches square and 0.04 inches thick which makes it roughly the size of a useless goddamn book. The library staff assumed by its cover that it was a Bible and later confirmed these suspicions by giving it to a colony of Smurfs and watching them murder each other in the name of peace.

Apparently originally sold in 1965 at the World's Fair in New York, it was marketed as the world smallest book, paired with its larger counterpart, which is about ten times as large and still only 1 3/8" by 1 3/8". Oddly enough, the book is no longer the smallest book in the world, that record having been beaten by someone with a lot more time on their hands and, I imagine, incredibly small hands at that. 

"Look what I pulled from between my teeth, ma!"

The article goes on to say that the book is not meant for reading (no shit) and was intended to be used as a charm, much like a cross would be worn around someone's neck. Unlike, a cross, however, a lot more wasted time went into writing the entire first chapter of Genesis within its minuscule pages. I suppose the lack of Internet in the 60s caused people to do all sorts of crazy shit.

Topical: Obama and Putin are in a relationship and it's complicated. 

Following Russia's decision to give Edward Snowden temporary asylum, the United States has expressed its ire and concern over the decision through several empty threats doled out by its resident senior citizens. But it seems that those "threats" are finally taking form as the White House announced that Obama would not be attending his one-on-one meeting (date) with Putin in September.

The reason for the cancellation according to the Obama administration? 

Following a careful review begun in July, we have reached the conclusion that there is not enough recent progress in our bilateral agenda with Russia to hold a U.S.-Russia Summit in early September.  We value the achievements made with Russia in the President’s first term, including the New START Treaty, and cooperation on Afghanistan, Iran, and North Korea.  However, given our lack of progress on issues such as missile defense and arms control, trade and commercial relations, global security issues, and human rights and civil society in the last twelve months, we have informed the Russian Government that we believe it would be more constructive to postpone the summit until we have more results from our shared agenda.  Russia’s disappointing decision to grant Edward Snowden temporary asylum was also a factor that we considered in assessing the current state of our bilateral relationship.

 "We don't even care about Snowden that much! Haha, you guys can have him. We're just mad about other stuff. Grown up stuff, you know? Like missiles and human rights and stuff..."

I am sure that there have been strained relations concerning the aforementioned issues, but to base your cancellation on that with the inclusion of Snowden as an afterthought? That's a temper tantrum masquerading itself as nonchalance. Furthermore, to cancel the meeting while still attending the G20 summit is further evidence that they are crossing their arms and sticking their tongues out in an incredible demonstration of statesmanship. You don't have to go and lick Putin's boots, but to pretend like you're basing your decisions on actual problems as opposed to the reality that you refuse to acknowledge is just immature and, frankly, a bit silly.

But that's just one man's thoughts on the news. Comment down below with your opinions.

Funny: Man Mocks Package Thief and Does So Hilariously

There's always a risk to having a package left on your front door step. The world is full of assholes and free shit outside is a ripe target for these experienced dickheads. Unfortunately, because the outside world is governed by the laws of wolves, we don't often catch these walk-by thieves. Our Sunday newspaper becomes lost to a world of anarchy and amorality. But, for one Arizona man, this was unacceptable. He decided to take the job of tracking down the criminal into his own hands.

Tim Lake, a resident of Phoenix, caught his package thief on tape as she awkwardly ran away with his box of K-cups and an ice cube tray. Rather than show real remorse for this minor loss, he decided to sarcastically tear his thief a new one in the form of hilarious "Beware" posters. 

Sometimes, a caption is just unnecessary.

After posting these all over his neighborhood, CBS5 invited him on their show where he mock cried and gave a hilariously over the top interview in which he stayed in character the entire time. It was a glorious use of air time and an absolutely wonderful use of paper. Thank you, Tim, for fighting the good fight and keeping our packages safe. 

Thank you for reading! Again, I seem to have underestimated how long it would take me to write this article and it is now The Afternoon WTF. Fortunately, I'm starting to get the hang of it and my process is becoming smoother with every article. But for me to continue improving, I need you, my lovely readers, to like and share my content with your friends and family on Facebook or whatever social networking site you use. (This includes chain emails from the 90s)

Good morning/afternoon and have a witty day!