The Morning WTF: News Species is Cute As Hell!

Sup, playas! I'm trying out different greetings so bear with me. It's Saturday which means most of you won't read this until you wake up at around 2pm. But, have no fear, while the wit shall wait for you, you shall not have to wait for the wit. Without further ado, we begin with our bodacious babe of the day: 

Lord have mercy. 

Weird: We Found a New Species to Kill! 

South America is notorious for being a haven for things that want to eat your face off. From the Amazon to the people, the entire continent is just waiting to devour you and drag you into its fertile soil so that you can contribute to more painful deaths. But, in a stroke of luck, scientists have finally found something that is more huggable than terrifying. Meet the Olinguito.

Look how cute this motherfucker is!

It is being described as a cross between a teddy bear and a cat by people who clearly aren't aware that teddy bears are not real animals. However, it would seem that despite its recent induction into the hall of species, we have known about it for the past 100 years. Evidently, they've been stuffing these creatures into zoos and museums for decades without really knowing what the hell it is. Most scientists just assumed it was a weird variation of another animal and tried to get them to have sex. That's like throwing you in a brothel filled with chimpanzees and getting frustrated when nothing happens. (Except AIDS, apparently)

But, after years of confusing sexual encounters, the olinguito is now its own species and the first carnivore to be "discovered" in the Western Hemisphere in 35 years. I can't wait for us to kill them all off in the next 6 months as we bulldoze the fucking rain forests.

Topical: Egyptian Troops Storm Mosque and Drag Out Protesters  

About a thousand protesters holed up in a Cairo mosque for most of Saturday were dragged out by Egyptian security forces after hours of exchanged gunfire and tear gassing. It was reported by a local Egyptian news outlet that gunmen inside the mosque opened fire on the security forces outside. This, if true, further puts the purportedly peaceful protest in an awkward position. While Egypt's usurper military is certainly tyrannical in its dealings with protesters and new ideas, it certainly doesn't mean that the Muslim Brotherhood would establish a more peaceful government should they come back into power. 

But, despite my editorialization, this story is brought to for your opinion. Continue to draw your own conclusions from the stories I have given you. As an update to yesterday's story concerning the "Day of Rage" proclaimed by Brotherhood leaders, the death toll reached 173 people. Let's hope the insanity ends soon and for the better. 

Funny: Preacher Writes Book and Fails Hilariously

I feel I should start today's funny with a disclaimer. Jesus is a cool guy. I don't have a problem with the big bearded man upstairs (except if he tells me to sacrifice anything I love) and I'd like to think he's fairly cool with me too. Furthermore, the Christian faith, when practiced correctly, is a lovely thing and helps a lot of great people. Unfortunately, there's a lot of fuckasses that follow Christianity too. This is one of those fuckasses getting humiliated in front of millions. Enjoy!

Doug Sehorne looks like the kind of guy you'd expect to walk around Victoria's Secret sniffing women's underwear. But, the Baptist Evangelical preacher is actually more of the guy to walk around Victoria's Secret setting promiscuous harlots on fire. 

Seen here mimicking a Christmas ham.

Doug recently decided that the word of God needed to be condensed into a book about disciplining children and wrote a book entitled Bible Principles of Child Discipline (from the Book of Proverbs). As odd and uncomfortable as the title and writer appear, it really isn't out of the ordinary for a Baptist preacher to write a book about beatin' some Jesus into your kids. No, what Doug did is much more hilarious. After browsing Google images for some generic family pictures, he found one that that suited his book perfectly. He slapped it on the cover of his book and sold it on Amazon to minimal success. That is, until the Internet realized the cover of his book was the cast of Modern Family. 

And apparently made in Microsoft Paint.

Forget that there is a possible copyright violation in selling a book with this image on it. The show has been heavily criticized by fundamentalists for its featuring of a gay couple as a normal, healthy relationship. Because that just ain't natural! After finding out that he just indirectly supported a show that features homosexuality, he launched a hilarious tirade on Facebook denouncing homosexuality as sin and calling the show "wicked."

Any man who labels himself "Evangelist" is bound to do something unintentionally hilarious.

The book has, of course, been removed from Amazon and I imagine Mr. Sehorne will be back with another book soon. But, until that time, the world can smile in knowing that this clown was humiliated on the world stage, if only for a day. God Bless YOU, Doug Sehorne!

Thank you for reading, my wit-thirsty companions! As is tradition, like, comment on, and share my post with all of your friends, your family, and whoever shows up to your seance. Tomorrow is my day off so I shall see you on Monday for even more wit and snarky picture captions!