The Morning WTF: Area 51 Has Been Declassified!

Salutations, my witty brethren and welcome to The Morning WTF! This segment introduces you to news and pop culture and then staples dick jokes to them. It's like the news if it were shouted into a keyboard by the Tourette's guy. Before we begin, I present you with our lovely lady of the day:

Complete with daddy's newsman jawline.

Weird: We Found It! 

After years of speculation by everyone from sci-fi convention goers to your crazy uncle, Area 51 has finally been declassified. But, in typical government fashion, the report is boring, vague, and unsatisfying. The actual report was written back in 1992 which can be noted by its liberal use of the word "U2." The newly declassified documents puts the infamous Area 51 on a map and finally acknowledges that such a place exists. This may not be a big deal to most (sane) people, but for those of us that have boosted the sale of aluminum foil over the past several years, it confirms that not all conspiracy rumors are batshit insane. (See: NSA scandal)

Precisely where I thought! The middle of fucking nowhere.

While it denies any rumors that they are harboring any alien vessels or actual aliens, (they WOULD say that!) it does confirm that UFO sightings were real. The reports say, however, that these UFOs were merely U-2 spy planes flying at around 60,000 feet, scaring the pants off of everyone in the 60s. You can read the full report here. Warning: It's tedious and takes a long time to load. So, only open if you're REALLY interested in bureaucratic lingo. 

Topical: Egypt's People Fight Back

After several days of violence in Egypt, the death toll has been capped at around 638 people. You'd think that, after these atrocities committed by the government on the protesting sit ins, that the Muslim Brotherhood would be looking for a day of rest. It would seem that this is not the case. On Friday, thousands of protestors flocked to the streets of Cairo in a show of force against the police and security forces. The Brotherhood referred to it as a "Friday of rage" and it happened right after the noon prayer. Because following religion with violence is only apt.

There were no clashes reported and it would appear the police merely sealed off the streets in an attempt to seem noble or above violence or other bullshit to curry favor with the world at large. Indeed, it would seem that there have been discussions amongst members of the European Union about diplomacy solutions. Denmark, on the other hand, has ceased all support. Details are developing and we shall be back tomorrow with more information. 

Funny: Sheep Rally For....Everything!

Sheep are hilarious creatures. They make a noise that sounds like someone is getting a half-drugged enema and act as one collective being most of the time. But when you combine these two easily manipulated traits, you get something magical. Below, a man rallies sheep and finds himself mad with power as his dark army of lamb chops immediately elects him leader of the meadow. 

I have zero details on whether this man owns these sheep or if they are just a random bunch he ran across in his political rallies across....whatever country this is. (Possibly New Zealand or Australia; too lazy to check) I like to believe it's the latter. I also like to believe that he left this rally and went directly to shout in a megaphone at cows to lead a protest against GMOs. Fortunately, cows are much easier to sway. I've heard the lightest touch will tip them in your favor.

You are quite welcome.

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