The Morning WTF: Matt Damon's Friend Gets the Role of Batman

My hiatus has been long and terrifying for you, I'm sure. But have no fear; I am back and still capable of typing things in a witty manner. But, before we foray back into daily wit-dom, your bodacious babe of the day: 

To err is human; to Kerr is divine.

Weird: Matt Damon's Friend Gets the Role of Batman

Poor Ben Affleck. The man has directed several hit movies, won an Oscar, and generally been lauded as one of the greatest director-actors of our time and still the Internet hates him. But that's because the Internet has the memory of your girlfriend and remembers Affleck when he was a Matt Damn groupie and a Jennifer Lopez sex slave. But despite his tabloid past and his irritating Bostonian accent, Affleck has grown into his own in the past several years. Enough that he was recently chosen to be the next Batman. 

"Hi, I'm here to piss off the Internet."

Much to the delight of every wit-starved journalist on the planet who wanted to make a "Holy (Insert Shitty Joke here), Batman!" headline, Affleck was chosen to play the part of the caped crusader in the next Man of Steel movie with Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. So, what does this mean for Affleck? It means he has to fill some incredibly huge shoes. (Did you see the size of Bale's feet?) It also means that he has to fend off the Internet hordes who think that their comments are going to change the casting director's mind. Because nothing says reliable feedback like a grammatically jumbled comment you made on twitter. However, despite the defense Affleck deserves, it should be noted that the casting choice is still worthy of an ounce of skepticism.  The Christopher Nolan movies fundamentally shifted the way people view superhero movies. The incredibly dark atmosphere that Christian Bale brought to the trilogy will be juxtaposed against Affleck's affable demeanor. But that's not a bad thing. Affleck will have to pull it off just right in order to nail the role, though. And for that, we here at The Daily Wit give our full support.

Topical: Bradley and Chelsea Manning Fight for Media Attention

I debated on whether or not this story was weird or topical. On the one hand, a prominent figure in current pop culture suddenly switching his gender identification amidst a trial is awfully strange. But, on the other hand, the obsessive media attention the gender switch is getting is topical and worthy of discussion. Thus, I am not looking to justify Maning's actions or belittle his gender swap; rather, I am looking to question whether or not the media is handling his announcement responsibly. The answer is, as always, a resounding no. 

Chelsea Manning/Bradley Manning/The Artist Formerly Known as Whistleblower was recently sentenced to 35 years in prison for his disclosure of an assload of secret government shit to Wikileaks. Wikileaks, of course, being the brainchild of Julian Assange, journalist and greasy hair aficionado. Manning was acquitted of treason but found guilty on various other charges. These are facts we know. What do we not know? Probably what he leaked. Don't get me wrong; the information is out there and available to the public. (Warning: The video in the link is graphic. Watch at your own risk) But the media coverage of the actual information is (un)surprisingly sparse. Much like Snowden, instead of focusing on what was leaked, we are caught up in who leaked it. Because Snowden and Manning are people with stories and drama whereas the documents reveal a side of life that we don't want to acknowledge. They reveal that our country isn't necessarily fighting a black and white battle of good vs. evil. They reveal that our country's government is lying to us and doing so often. 

I won't downplay the importance of Manning's trial. His sentence says a lot about the state of our country and how we are going to handle whistleblowers in the future. But for his trial and his decision to become a woman to overshadow the far more important information that he made available to the entire world is media irresponsibility. Instead of knowing every detail about Edward Snowden and Chelsea Manning, we should know every detail of the information they leaked to the public. But, unfortunately, that isn't news hype; it isn't something that the media can capitalize off of. Thus, it is up to you, good citizen, to do research for yourself. If you only look at one of the aforementioned articles, you will be infinitely better off than the majority of your peers. 

Funny: Louis CK Even Makes a Dead Guy Funny

Louis CK has a rare gift to say anything and garner a laugh. Much like Carlin, his comedy is less of a pandering act and more of a philosophical discussion of life and its funny little oddities. But one would think that when it comes to death, the least funny thing on the planet (next to airplane jokes), Louis would become somber and serious. Nah, he still makes me laugh. 

In the above video, Louis recounts a story to David Letterman of how he stumbled upon a dead body in the East River near lower Manhattan. The subject matter itself is all incredibly serious and sort of sad, but Louis manages to make is funny and you will eventually feel like a shithead for finding it funny. C'est la vie. 

That's it for today, my loyal readers and fans. I cannot guarantee that the next couple of weeks will see The Daily Wit back to its full strength, but I can guarantee that it will happen eventually. A vague promise, I know, but at least you have today's post to keep you warm. Read it, print it out, put it on your fridge and pray to it every morning. Do whatever it takes to cope with wit-loss. Also, be sure to comment, like, and share my shit with your friends, family, and mailman. (Or mailwoman, if you're in one o' them progressive towns) As always, it is lovely to deliver up to date news and wit to you, my friends and I look forward to writing for you in the future. Stay tuned for more wit, snark, and sacrilege. 

Sorry, Guys

College is an interesting beast. On the one hand, its primary purpose appears to be to focus and temper your ambitions to fit your life aspirations. However, on the other hand, it's very draining and can make your aspirations turn into laughable inconveniences. Unfortunately, for the past two mornings, I have fallen into the latter rut. But I have not abandoned you, my dear readers. I'm still getting used to my new classes and the time that needs to be allotted to each. The Daily Wit will, once again, return to being daily and witty in the very near future.

Until then, here's a bodacious female to satisfy your carnal needs. As for you ladies, my words alone should be enough to evoke such feelings. 

Gaming nerds around the world are fainting.

The Morning WTF: Noodles Become Currency of the Underworld

It's Monday, the sun is shining (behind the clouds) and the Internet is rife with weird ass shit. It can be a drag to sift through it all and find the best stories, but luckily for you, The Daily Wit is here to condense it all for you into three convenient categories: weird, topical, and funny. But, first, our bodacious babe of the day:

Everyone bow down.

Weird: Noodles Break Friendships 

There are very few places on this planet where noodles are craved with a carnal passion. College is one of those places. After a long day of bullshit and rain (seriously, get the fuck out) you just want to relax and eat some cheap noodles. But in college, it's only 50% likely that you will get stabbed with a prison shank for screwing someone out of his or her noodles. In other noodle craving environments, that chance of death skyrockets. 

 A riot broke out in a juvenile correctional facility (prison for toddlers) in Avon Park, Florida after a disagreement over a cup of noodles. The backstory: Two teams of five inmates made a bet over a basketball game in which the winner got three cups of noodles. One team lost and they refused to give up their noodles, resulting in a fight that riled up the other inmates. Chaos ensued and the entire facility was ransacked. The police officers of Avon Park Youth Academy (the most euphemistic name for a prison I have ever heard) tried to contain it, but were unsuccessful for hours as the juveniles broke into offices and burned records, perhaps hoping that they'll magically clean their criminal history that way. They also broke into the medical room and desperately searched for drugs. Just a good old day at the correctional facility. 

The riot was eventually subdued and seven kids were sent to the hospital. No word on whether or not anyone got any noodles. 

Topical: Greenwald's Partner Held for Nine Hours

David Miranda, the partner of Glenn Greenwald (the journalist that broke the Snowden story, you troglodytes) was held for questioning at Heathrow Airport in the UK for nine hours with no charge. He was detained under the "Schedule 7 of the Terrorism Act of 2000" but only questioned about Edward Snowden. Because Snowden = Terrorism all of a sudden. The security officials at Heathrow confiscated all of his electronic possessions including his cell phone and have not returned them as of yet. Miranda was eventually released after the allotted time officials could hold him was used up. 

Journalists from The Guardian tried to reach him while he was in questioning but were denied access along with Brazilian officials, including the UK ambassador. Interesting. Greenwald, however, seems undeterred by this show of power by the English government. He has stated,

The UK and US governments believe that tactics like this are going to deter or intimidate us in any way from continuing to report aggressively on what these documents reveal, they are beyond deluded. If anything, it will have only the opposite effect: to embolden us even further.

Good for you, Greenwald. You won't be alive for much longer, but good for you! 

Funny: Patton Oswalt is a Damn Genius

It is not ok to think



Rape is a woman's fault.


Now before you burn me at the stake, allow me to unveil some comedy before your eyes. This weekend, rather than make the same old boring tweets people create all the fucking time, Patton Oswalt decided to fuck with his followers and, in the process, create quite a bit of media buzz. I could explain it to you, but it is much better experienced if it is seen. Below are a couple of examples. 

The tweet in question:

Hitler was absolutely right about the Jews. And I don't care how many "white power" redneck followers I lose by Tweeting that.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

What preceded it:

Oh, you think repealing voting laws in the south is justified, you racist asshole? I suppose you ALSO believe that
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

Another tweet in question:

whites and "darks" should be kept separate. Sorry if that sounds too "tree-huggy" to my conservative followers.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

The other tweet that preceded it:

When it comes to doing laundry, I firmly believe in using environment-friendly detergent and I ALSO believe
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 17, 2013

The humor, if explained too far, loses its comedic touch. What really makes this significant is its satire on sound bites and how one part of a sentence can be completely misconstrued and turned into a whole media hullabaloo.  Oswalt was being funny, but he was also being witty. As a purveyor of wit, I tip my internet hat to him.

Thank you for reading, my mentally imbalanced fans. Please do your part to spread the wit and like my content, comment on it, and share it with everyone you can find in the Yellow Pages. (Also, you'll need to find an actual Yellow Pages) Until next time!

The Morning WTF: News Species is Cute As Hell!

Sup, playas! I'm trying out different greetings so bear with me. It's Saturday which means most of you won't read this until you wake up at around 2pm. But, have no fear, while the wit shall wait for you, you shall not have to wait for the wit. Without further ado, we begin with our bodacious babe of the day: 

Lord have mercy. 

Weird: We Found a New Species to Kill! 

South America is notorious for being a haven for things that want to eat your face off. From the Amazon to the people, the entire continent is just waiting to devour you and drag you into its fertile soil so that you can contribute to more painful deaths. But, in a stroke of luck, scientists have finally found something that is more huggable than terrifying. Meet the Olinguito.

Look how cute this motherfucker is!

It is being described as a cross between a teddy bear and a cat by people who clearly aren't aware that teddy bears are not real animals. However, it would seem that despite its recent induction into the hall of species, we have known about it for the past 100 years. Evidently, they've been stuffing these creatures into zoos and museums for decades without really knowing what the hell it is. Most scientists just assumed it was a weird variation of another animal and tried to get them to have sex. That's like throwing you in a brothel filled with chimpanzees and getting frustrated when nothing happens. (Except AIDS, apparently)

But, after years of confusing sexual encounters, the olinguito is now its own species and the first carnivore to be "discovered" in the Western Hemisphere in 35 years. I can't wait for us to kill them all off in the next 6 months as we bulldoze the fucking rain forests.

Topical: Egyptian Troops Storm Mosque and Drag Out Protesters  

About a thousand protesters holed up in a Cairo mosque for most of Saturday were dragged out by Egyptian security forces after hours of exchanged gunfire and tear gassing. It was reported by a local Egyptian news outlet that gunmen inside the mosque opened fire on the security forces outside. This, if true, further puts the purportedly peaceful protest in an awkward position. While Egypt's usurper military is certainly tyrannical in its dealings with protesters and new ideas, it certainly doesn't mean that the Muslim Brotherhood would establish a more peaceful government should they come back into power. 

But, despite my editorialization, this story is brought to for your opinion. Continue to draw your own conclusions from the stories I have given you. As an update to yesterday's story concerning the "Day of Rage" proclaimed by Brotherhood leaders, the death toll reached 173 people. Let's hope the insanity ends soon and for the better. 

Funny: Preacher Writes Book and Fails Hilariously

I feel I should start today's funny with a disclaimer. Jesus is a cool guy. I don't have a problem with the big bearded man upstairs (except if he tells me to sacrifice anything I love) and I'd like to think he's fairly cool with me too. Furthermore, the Christian faith, when practiced correctly, is a lovely thing and helps a lot of great people. Unfortunately, there's a lot of fuckasses that follow Christianity too. This is one of those fuckasses getting humiliated in front of millions. Enjoy!

Doug Sehorne looks like the kind of guy you'd expect to walk around Victoria's Secret sniffing women's underwear. But, the Baptist Evangelical preacher is actually more of the guy to walk around Victoria's Secret setting promiscuous harlots on fire. 

Seen here mimicking a Christmas ham.

Doug recently decided that the word of God needed to be condensed into a book about disciplining children and wrote a book entitled Bible Principles of Child Discipline (from the Book of Proverbs). As odd and uncomfortable as the title and writer appear, it really isn't out of the ordinary for a Baptist preacher to write a book about beatin' some Jesus into your kids. No, what Doug did is much more hilarious. After browsing Google images for some generic family pictures, he found one that that suited his book perfectly. He slapped it on the cover of his book and sold it on Amazon to minimal success. That is, until the Internet realized the cover of his book was the cast of Modern Family. 

And apparently made in Microsoft Paint.

Forget that there is a possible copyright violation in selling a book with this image on it. The show has been heavily criticized by fundamentalists for its featuring of a gay couple as a normal, healthy relationship. Because that just ain't natural! After finding out that he just indirectly supported a show that features homosexuality, he launched a hilarious tirade on Facebook denouncing homosexuality as sin and calling the show "wicked."

Any man who labels himself "Evangelist" is bound to do something unintentionally hilarious.

The book has, of course, been removed from Amazon and I imagine Mr. Sehorne will be back with another book soon. But, until that time, the world can smile in knowing that this clown was humiliated on the world stage, if only for a day. God Bless YOU, Doug Sehorne!

Thank you for reading, my wit-thirsty companions! As is tradition, like, comment on, and share my post with all of your friends, your family, and whoever shows up to your seance. Tomorrow is my day off so I shall see you on Monday for even more wit and snarky picture captions!

The Morning WTF: Area 51 Has Been Declassified!

Salutations, my witty brethren and welcome to The Morning WTF! This segment introduces you to news and pop culture and then staples dick jokes to them. It's like the news if it were shouted into a keyboard by the Tourette's guy. Before we begin, I present you with our lovely lady of the day:

Complete with daddy's newsman jawline.

Weird: We Found It! 

After years of speculation by everyone from sci-fi convention goers to your crazy uncle, Area 51 has finally been declassified. But, in typical government fashion, the report is boring, vague, and unsatisfying. The actual report was written back in 1992 which can be noted by its liberal use of the word "U2." The newly declassified documents puts the infamous Area 51 on a map and finally acknowledges that such a place exists. This may not be a big deal to most (sane) people, but for those of us that have boosted the sale of aluminum foil over the past several years, it confirms that not all conspiracy rumors are batshit insane. (See: NSA scandal)

Precisely where I thought! The middle of fucking nowhere.

While it denies any rumors that they are harboring any alien vessels or actual aliens, (they WOULD say that!) it does confirm that UFO sightings were real. The reports say, however, that these UFOs were merely U-2 spy planes flying at around 60,000 feet, scaring the pants off of everyone in the 60s. You can read the full report here. Warning: It's tedious and takes a long time to load. So, only open if you're REALLY interested in bureaucratic lingo. 

Topical: Egypt's People Fight Back

After several days of violence in Egypt, the death toll has been capped at around 638 people. You'd think that, after these atrocities committed by the government on the protesting sit ins, that the Muslim Brotherhood would be looking for a day of rest. It would seem that this is not the case. On Friday, thousands of protestors flocked to the streets of Cairo in a show of force against the police and security forces. The Brotherhood referred to it as a "Friday of rage" and it happened right after the noon prayer. Because following religion with violence is only apt.

There were no clashes reported and it would appear the police merely sealed off the streets in an attempt to seem noble or above violence or other bullshit to curry favor with the world at large. Indeed, it would seem that there have been discussions amongst members of the European Union about diplomacy solutions. Denmark, on the other hand, has ceased all support. Details are developing and we shall be back tomorrow with more information. 

Funny: Sheep Rally For....Everything!

Sheep are hilarious creatures. They make a noise that sounds like someone is getting a half-drugged enema and act as one collective being most of the time. But when you combine these two easily manipulated traits, you get something magical. Below, a man rallies sheep and finds himself mad with power as his dark army of lamb chops immediately elects him leader of the meadow. 

I have zero details on whether this man owns these sheep or if they are just a random bunch he ran across in his political rallies across....whatever country this is. (Possibly New Zealand or Australia; too lazy to check) I like to believe it's the latter. I also like to believe that he left this rally and went directly to shout in a megaphone at cows to lead a protest against GMOs. Fortunately, cows are much easier to sway. I've heard the lightest touch will tip them in your favor.

You are quite welcome.

Thank you for reading today's post! What did you think? Let me know by commenting down below on on Facebook. Please make sure to like and share my content with your friends, family, and forgotten phone contacts. Come back tomorrow for more and, if you're new, be sure to mosey around my blog and read other shit I've written. Some of it is about politics, other posts are about pop culture, but all of it is witty.

The Morning WTF: Chris Kutcher Punk'd Us All

Happy Thursday, everyone, and welcome to The Morning WTF! The part of the show where we do the blah blah blah. We look at news, make fun of that news, and sometimes seriously report on important events. You get it by now. Let's jump right in with our classy lady of the day:

As the kids are saying, it's Throwback Thursday.

Weird: Ashton Kutcher Punk'd Us the Entire Time

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the worst event to ever go on television. At least the Academy Awards and the Grammys maintain some semblance of dignity. The TCA is just all out terrible. First off, why would you let a bunch of teenage girls who, for the most part, can't distinguish talent from good looks make choices? Secondly, why would you invite these people to an auditorium and let them scream at people on stage for a few hours? My theory is that they bottle up all the sounds of these little girls screaming and play them to help Dick Cheney sleep. However, I digress. The only reason this year's TCA was remotely worthy of my attention was because Ashton Kutcher made a really weird publicity stunt in promotion of his new movie, Jobs. To anyone with an understanding of marketing, it was just another day, another stunt. But to the Internet and teenage girls at large, it was an inspiring, captivating speech made to tell each and every one of them that they're special.

Now, I'm not saying you're not special (the universe is) but Ashton's speech is not where I'd derive that information. First off, his announcement that he was a fraud is pretty spot on. His speech was, after all, rife with fraudulence. But, before any of that, he revealed to the world that his name was actually Chris. Which is cool, I guess. But the amount of screams and absolute insanity that ensued after his reveal was fucking stupid. He's telling the world his name, not unveiling the cure for cancer. 

There's a point in Kutcher's speech where he says, "I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work." That, in itself, is an odd statement coming from someone who got his big break when he was 20 years old. But it's not only that statement that grinds my gears a bit. Later in his speech, he says that, "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart....Everything else is crap." This coupled with his statement about working hard are so very interesting considering his jump into acting started in the modeling industry. 

Pictured Here "Being Really Smart"

In conclusion, I suppose the speech had good messages but the mouthpiece used to deliver them was flawed and, I imagine, had intentions of publicity rather than world change. These generic speeches about loving oneself are straight out of the PR handbook and are used to hype someone up and make them endearing to the world. I don't have anything against Chris Kutcher, I just like to stomp on the dreams of teenage girls.

Topical: Death Toll Rises in Egypt

Yesterday, we here at The Daily Wit reported on the mass deaths happening all over Egypt amid clashes between the Muslim Brotherhood (in support of ousted president Morsi) and security forces (in support of the military appointed "president" Adly Mansour). Following the coup d'état in early July, members of the Muslim Brotherhood have been engaging in sit ins to protest the current government. But, as expected with a militant government, it usually ends in a whole lot of violence. According to The New York Times, that violence has just gotten even more out of control. The number of dead attributed to clashes between the protestors and police has skyrocketed to 525 with more than 3,700 people injured across the country. These attacks come after a statement by president Mansour that implores security forces to keep the citizens safe. Oh, Egypt.

But I would be remiss if I were to claim that the Muslim Brotherhood was a peaceful organization with pure intentions. There have been reports of dead police officers at the hands of protestors as well as several reports that protestors have been burning Coptic churches. This, of course, was quickly condemned by Muslim Brotherhood spokesman, Gedad El-Haddad via Twitter.

We condemn all attacks on houses of worships & condemn police treachery in leaving thugs 2 vandalise while focusing on killing protesters.
— Gehad El-Haddad (@gelhaddad) August 15, 2013

However, as I mentioned yesterday, regardless of whose side you support, the crisis in Egypt is worth staying up to date on. Please continue to educate and inform yourself as I am attempting to do. This shit may seem far away now, but it's only a matter of time before its effects will be felt here. (Oil)

Funny: John Oliver Eviscerates "Stop and Frisk" Policy

I am a huge fan of The Daily Show and I am sure that shows quite often through this blog. But ever since John Oliver took over, I sort of stopped watching. It's not that I dislike Oliver, I just didn't find him up to the task of sitting behind the desk. But that all changed when he unleashed a satire laced diatribe  against the controversial (read: stupid) "Stop and Frisk" policies that law enforcement in several major cities (Namely NYC) engage in. I won't spoil the video for you if you haven't seen it yet, but it strengthened my faith in John Oliver as both a comedian and a newsman.

That's all for today, folks. I've noticed my posts are getting more serious with every day so I'll try to counter that in the future by finding some lighter topics. I have just been rather eager to report the Egyptian riots lately as I believe they are worthy of attention. And, as someone with an audience, I felt a duty to aid in its publicity. But, my first job is humor ad entertainment, so I shall step up my attempts to bring both of those things to your computers. Please be sure to like, comment on, and share my content with your friends, family, and belly button lint and be sure to check in tomorrow for more wit, snark, and sacrilege.  

The Morning WTF: The Resurrection of Alien Jesus

Good morning, fellow Americans. (And if you read my blog, you're officially an American for the time being) It's that time of day again: Slightly too late to be morning but still classified as such on my blog. If you're unfamiliar with my blog (shame on you), this is the part of the show where we go down the list of the weird, the topical, and the funny, and I give my (mostly)  uninformed opinion while delivering the information as truthfully as possible. It's like the normal news except I actually fact check! So strap yourselves in, put on your 3D glasses, and take a look at this hottie with a body before we begin. You'll need her:

If only she could act.

Weird: Woman Profits Off Ruining Jesus

If you have an Internet connection and/or access to people with communicative abilities, you have probably heard about the woman who fucked up an 80 year old fresco on the walls of her church. After turning Jesus into a neckbearded monster, public derision came out in full force as people (mostly Americans) gave her shit for ruining Jesus. But it seems that the elderly woman who "restored" this fuzzy collection of colors may be making quite a bit of money off of her newfound publicity. 

Cecilia Giménez, the modern day Pontius Pilate, is now cashing in on her publicity via an art exhibit in her hometown. Not only is she getting her art recognized by the public, but she's also taking home 49% of the profits from sales of merchandise. In addition to all of this, she is proving that while she may not be a good artist, she may still be a good human. Her publicity has drawn over 40,000 visitors to her local church which has, in turn, has helped raise over 50,000 euros ($66,285) in donations for the Sancti Spiritus foundation. 

Terrifying Alien Jesus would approve.

Topical: Egyptian Protestors Killed In Violent Clash With Army

Since the deposition of president Mohammed Morsi in early July of this year, pro-Morsi Muslim Brotherhood protestors have clashed on numerous occasions with security forces in Egypt. On Wednesday, the Egyptian army led a deadly crackdown  on two sit-ins comprised of Morsi supporters. The death toll for Wednesday's clash has been reported to be more than 40 people. The body count for the entire country, however, is much larger.

Al Jazeera English reports that the health ministry has "said at least 149 people had been killed in clashes around the country, but some members of Morsi's Muslim Brotherhood said the death toll was much higher."

Due to the countrywide violence, Egypt has declared a state of emergency, which began at 4pm local time and will reportedly last for a month. The interim president, Adly Mansour, requested that armed forces and police "take all necessary means to maintain security and order and to protect public and private property and the lives of citizens." Let's play a game. It's called "Spot The Irony."

There's a whole lot more going on in Egypt than what I have written here. While it may not be of immediate US concern, it most certainly will be soon. Please take the time to brush up on your knowledge of the Muslim Brotherhood, the Egyptian government, and violent military coups and what they tend to manifest in to. (i.e. dictatorships) Al Jazeera's "Egypt in Turmoil" coverage is the best place to get up to date information on the various current crises. 

Funny: Frat Life 

Dartmouth College is renowned as a place where professors and fellow students inflate you into a veritable windbag. But under the thin veneer of pretentious grandeur, there lies a dark underbelly: frat parties. Much like the Greek life of any school, frat parties are the epicenter of moral debauchery and alcohol doused decisions. Dartmouth, it would seem, is the reigning champion at both of these things. 

And, not to mention, ironic opulence.

But Dartmouth may have gone too far (again) when fraternity, Alpha Delta, threw an interestingly themed party. The fraternity decided that a Bloods vs Crips theme would be a great idea and, really, what could go wrong? Dartblog, a Darmouth gossip blog, published the invitation sent out by the social chairman of Alpha Delta. The blog then went on to slap the fraternity on the hand by bemoaning their decision as derogatory. Comparing the portrayal of street gangs to "caricatures of greedy Jews," Dartblog aptly displayed misplaced sensitivity. 

Somehow less offensive.

Alpha Delta's decision to throw a gang related party may have been badly thought out and possibly detrimental to the school's reputation, but to demand an apology and claim that this violated some societal code is ludicrous. It was a funny party thrown by a bunch of spoiled white people who don't know the first thing about gang life. If anything, it was probably glorifying the lifestyle as opposed to deriding the African American culture. Whether or not that is a good thing may be up for debate, but to cry that this is some sort of vaguely racist jab at black people is silly and unworthy of news attention. 

It should be noted that the fraternity did issue an apology to Dartblog, but I believe it to be unwarranted. But this blog, while an outlet for my opinion, is mainly for you. So what do you think? Do you think the fraternity made an offensive decision to throw the party or do you think that it was an innocent (albeit, stupid) idea? Leave your comments and opinions down below or on Facebook. Also, make sure to like and share my content with your friends, family, and Pagan gods. I apologize that this post is very, very late but, alas, alarms are not always the most effective devices. 

The Morning WTF: Attack On Mosque Leaves 44 Dead

Good morning and Happy Tuesday! It's time for The Morning WTF, the show where news is informative, entertaining and, per the name of this blog, witty. But, before we start, your daily dose of eye candy:

Thank you, Phil Collins. 

Weird: Neanderthals Conquer Stereotype 

Unbeknownst to many under the current US education system, neanderthals and humans are of two separate species. Modern day humans are not, contrary to popular belief, descended from the troglodytic creatures. In actuality, it would appear that we may have shared a common ancestor hundreds of thousands of years ago, but were otherwise fairly different in both physical make up and mental capacity. However, images of the butt scratching neanderthal perpetuated by Far Side cartoons and Geico commercials may be a thing of the past.

Recent findings suggest that neanderthals may not have been as primitive as we have made them out to be through pop culture and anthropocentrism. Researchers have discovered  bone tools that appear to have been made before neanderthals ever encountered humans. This would run contrary to the prevailing theory that humans taught the neanderthals to make such tools. But it would appear that neanderthals were independent and didn't need no man. In fact, it would seem that neanderthals possessed an intelligence far beyond what we have given them credit for.

Deep within, he's holding the cure for cancer.

The tools found include "lissoirs" which is a fancy term for a smoother "to make animal hides tougher and more water-resistant." Most of the tools are thought to be between 42,000 and 47,000 years old with the oldest tool weighing in at an impressive 51,000 years. What's even more significant is that these same tools are used today by modern leather workers.

So, even in the face of human discrimination, these cave dwelling denizens are rapidly proving their intelligence and capabilities as a species on their own. Maybe some day they will get the respect they deserve and stop being featured in embarrassing Geico commercial roles and start giving TED talks on global culture and the impact it has. Or maybe they just figured out a good use for bones. Still didn't create computers and bombs. Fuck yeah, humans! 

Topical: Deadly Attack In Nigeria Leaves 44 Dead

In the past several days, an Islamist militant group has been conducting deadly attacks in Nigeria, racking up a death toll of up to 56. Local reports are claiming numbers as high as 60 dead. What is not in dispute, however, is the recent attack on a mosque in Konduga that left 44 dead. The gunmen were wearing military uniforms, according to Bloomberg Businessweek. 

The gunmen are believed to be with Boko Haram, the less popular cousin of Al Qaeda. Their inferiority complex has led them to commit some pretty awful atrocities recently. Back in July, the group was responsible for shooting up a Nigerian school, killing 30 people. 29 of those people were children. Their reason? The name "Boko Haram" roughly translates to mean "western education is forbidden." 

For now, experts are unclear on whether or not Boko Haram has the reach and ability to launch an attack on the United States. 

Funny: Man Gets Drunk, Man Steals Ambulance, Man Doesn't Think About Consequences

Stealing a car is risky as it is. With the invention of license plates, car registration, proof of insurance and numerous other ownership guaranteeing failsafes, it's kinda hard to drive around in a stolen car without arousing suspicion. But when you jump into a government vehicle and drive it off without permission, you are just preparing future you for a whole lot of shit.

Cesar Garcia, a native of Chandler, Arizona, was just enjoying an average Sunday morning, drinking beer inside a grocery store, when he was arrested for....something. I haven't quite figured out what, yet. After being slapped with a citation and told to go home, he decided that citations were for pussies and jumped in a fucking ambulance. 

"We'll leave the keys in the ignition for you!" 

As expected, police weren't thrilled that the local alcoholic had just driven away with expensive government property and gave chase. The authorities near his home were notified and tried to stop him to which Garcia replied by continuing to drive. But rather than lead them on a merry chase through Arizona, he just drove home and parked. Just parked a fuckin' ambulance outside his house and thought they'd be down with that. Unfortunately for Garcia, they were rather miffed by his decision to steal their stuff and their attempt to arrest him resulted in a "physical altercation." (Read: Crazy man flailing wildly)

The face of terrible decisions.

Due to his antics, he was charged with felony motor theft, two counts of aggravated assault on a police officer, resisting arrest, felony flight and aggravated driving under the influence. I don't know what "felony flight" is but it sounds impressive. Whatever the motivation behind his lackadaisical stealing of an ambulance and the subsequent driving it home as if it were completely normal, it resulted in an absolutely hilarious situation that could have easily been avoided if he had just acted like a normal human. But he isn't, and for that, we thank him.  

That's all for The Morning WTF! I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope that you show me your appreciation by liking, commenting, and sharing my work with your friends, family and easily offended coworkers. I may be back later today with a witty diatribe but time is of the essence and who knows where my day will take me. Check in later and your hunger for wit may be satiated. 

You Can Stop Crying

As many of you woke up this morning and ran to your computer, a smile on your face and a spring in your step, you found that, much to your understandable chagrin, The Daily Wit had failed to be daily. Which, by extension, made it fail to be witty. Unless you're into that whole metaphysical humor thing. After several minutes of crying, you may have cursed at me with a clenched fist raised in the air, aiming to have your inevitable string of well-thought out obscenities rained down upon my accursed physical being.

A couple hours later after checking to see if, perhaps, it was an afternoon edition, and finding that a post had still not been made, your head most likely fell in your hands as you sobbed deeply while contemplating where your life was going. Undoubtedly, this is where the depression likely kicked in and caused a lot of bed ridden thought in which you turned all the lights off in your room and tried to sleep into a reality in which I had made a post. 

My loyal and mentally unstable fans, it is with absolute pleasure that I now bring you that which you have emotionally toiled for so long. And they say a blogger can't contribute anything to the world. 

(I have spent all day settling into my apartment and experiencing all sorts of asshole induced inconveniences. Hence, my lack of a morning content. Your regularly scheduled program shall continue tomorrow morning.)

P.S. Because I love you guys so much, I'll go ahead and give you a hottie with a body for the day. Enjoy: 

If you can't forgive me, at least forgive these....I mean her.

The Morning WTF: The Afternoon Edition

Good afternoon and welcome to The Morning WTF! I ignored three alarms this morning so here I am, typing this out as quickly as possible at 11:45 AM. It's possible that I'll get it done before noon, but not probable. But enough about me, here's a lovely lady to start your day:

My god, her personality is enormous! 

Weird: 'Fun' Police Chief Wanted

Unfortunately, many people my age view police as the goosestepping tyrants that they have often proved themselves to be. These quota fulfillers are only in it to get back at the small town bullies that obviously once plagued their youth and won't take shit from nobody because they have a shiny badge. But aside from the gung ho assholes that shoot dogs and randomly assault people reporting a crime, there is a fringe group of policemen and women who just want to have fun. 

Hillsboro, Oregon is looking for a new police chief who knows how to have "fun." Not a very odd request in today's mundane world of paperwork and bureaucracy (a word I can never spell correctly the first time). But what's truly weird is the video they posted to get someone to apply for the job.

The video is unlisted to anyone without a link and I am not nearly skilled enough yet to have learned how to embed unlisted videos yet. Long story short (if you don't want to watch the video), it's an oddly high quality video that features awkward comedy by the city's cops, detectives, and citizens that makes for a surprisingly enjoyable experience. The humor occasionally falls short, but the whole thing is just so bizarre that you can't help but chuckle every now and then. 

Topical: Plane Crash Kills 4, Information Still Developing 

Taking a turn for the serious, a small propeller plane has crashed into a the home of a family in East Haven, Connecticut. The presumed dead includes the plane's owner, a former Microsoft executive, his teenage son, and two boys from the house they crashed into.

Th former executive, Bill Henningsgaard, apparently has a history of plane trouble. Four years ago, he apparently crashed with his 84 year old mother and was only rescued when a passing boat spotted them as their plane began to sink. The Daily Wit extends its condolences to the families of the victims and hopes for a speedy recovery for any others injured in the crash. 

Funny: The Onion Says It Best

Some days, there's just nothing really that funny in the news. Today is one of those days. So today starts a tradition: Whenever I can't find something funny to write about concerning real events, I'll let The Onion entertain you with some fake events. Because, dammit, you will have your daily funnies one way or another. I do not like to disappoint.

 Today, as we are on the topic of law enforcement, read about that bubbling insecurity in all future police officers.

Thank you for reading, fellas and ladies! Today was a very slow news day and I apologize on behalf of America/The World for such things. Fortunately, I am bound by the laws of blogging to put out daily content Monday through Saturday so slow news days mean nothing to me. You, my friends, will get your daily wit. But not tomorrow. I'll see you again on Monday! 

The Morning WTF: Actual "WTF?" Edition

Today's WTF isn't comprised of three fun, short topics so I apologize if you were expecting that this morning. Today is made up on a single story that falls under all three categories: weird, topical, and funny. The latter category is a little shaky, but I suppose it's the absolute absurdity of the article and the stupidity of the writer that makes it funny to me. But, first, as always your hottie with a body for the day:

AND she smokes pot. 

WTF: Man Trashes Marijuana, Pulls Evidence Out Of His Ass

As you may know, we here at The Daily Wit love CNN in the same way that we love the lawyer from Jurassic Park. It's just fun to see them fuck up and fail. (Or, in his case, fuck up and die) So when they give me a reason to lay into them, I won't just write a little bit on them; I will unleash the full fury of mid-morning rage on them. I woke up this morning and perused my RSS feed in search of the normal articles I cover and stumbled upon an opinion piece on CNN. This piece was written by a Howard C. Samuels and is about the ill effects of marijuana. It is laughably stupid.

Pictured here: An asshole.

The piece opens with the author trying to explain to his son why people are trying to legalize marijuana. He is taken aback by the question and is left trying to fumble his way through it. Evidently, he merely transcribed the shitty, fumbling talk that he gave to his son when writing this article. There are so many logical and factual fallacies in this article it's not even funny. (Well, it's a little funny)

"Neither my wife nor I anticipated that our son would be stopped on the street by unscrupulous potheads petitioning outside of the local grocery store and being fed a line of rhetoric that went against what we were trying to teach him."

This is the first in a long line of bullshit to exit this man's mouth/fingers. If he had hyperbolized any more, he would have called them cancer-sucking teenager terrorists, trying to fill the world's youth with carcinogens and tar in an attempt to cull the population for their own "unscrupulous" purposes.  Also, the notion that anyone who supports legalization of pot is a "pothead" is fucking ignorant. First of all, there are some people who support its legalization who smoke it casually and without a carnal need for it. Others support it and don't even take part in its consumption. These people may not even necessarily think its good for you, but they are reasonable enough to realize that the fact that it's illegal is dreadfully stupid.

"I'm not interested in focusing on the symptom; I want to eradicate the problem. And the problem is that we're even considering legalizing marijuana at all."

Oh, this should be good.

"Why are some of the people who petition for legalizing marijuana so passionate about it? Because when you smoke pot, you get loaded. You fry your brain. That's why the patients I see in my treatment center call it "getting baked." Pot is all about getting really high."

When Howard C. Samuels farts, it sounds like the above statements. To come up with those "facts" Howard closed his eyes and slammed his head into his keyboard until those five sentences sat staring back at him. If you died and went to Hell, these five sentences are what Satan would whisper into your ear for eternity. I have seen a bevy of superfluous claims made by fatuous old white men concerning marijuana, but this string of word vomit takes the cake.

"Now, I have nothing against people who smoke pot. In fact, I believe it is a crime to put someone in prison for smoking pot."

Oh, well thank god!  And here I thought you were going to call us all unscrupulous potheads who only want to get loaded and fry our brains so that we can "lie around all day." I mean, you could only think that it you pulled apart your own asshole, put your ear to it, and listened to the sound of your bowel movements for writing inspiration.

"Marijuana supporters like to argue that marijuana is similar to alcohol. While alcohol is legal, it also accounts for tens of thousands of deaths every year in car accidents or other drinking-related misfortunes. But we can't turn the clock back on that one because it's too embedded in our society."

I'm starting to wonder if Howard is just a really effective troll or if he's honestly this stupid. Apparently the entirety of the 1920s has slipped his mind and Prohibition would have worked if we had ever tried that! If only the Temperance Movement had taken off, we could have successfully made alcohol illegal and all our problems would have been solved. No negative consequences could have arisen from that!

An entire series based on events that apparently never happened.

Perhaps even more ridiculous than his memory slipping on history is his claim that marijuana supporters claim that pot is akin to alcohol. If anything, we tend to point out that it is less harmful than alcohol. Which is not a fact that we pulled out of our asses, it's a fact that we pulled from science. Because you clearly don't know the difference, allow me to explain: Science is when actual experiments and tests are done and factual evidence is found as opposed to your shitty anecdotes about how you used to smoke marijuana and sit around all day in your underwear. And let science open your very willfully closed eyes for a second. There have been 0 accounts attributing marijuana as the primary suspect of death. I can't think of anything else on the planet that has that clean of a track record. Hell, water kills more people than marijuana does. But I imagine facts are inconvenient to your emotionally driven argument.

"Do you know why we don't see potheads out in public? It's because they're sitting at home smoking weed and staring at their television sets or playing video games all day. Do you have any idea how many marijuana addicts I encounter at my rehab on a daily basis? They talk about wanting to be productive. But what pot does is it kills their motivation -- it destroys people's ability to go out and work and to have a career. It makes them want to do nothing but lie around all day. Is that what you want for your children? Is that what you want for your loved ones?"

Ah, yes. No one has ever been successful after smoking pot.

"You're a fucking idiot." -Carl Sagan

 "I know what marijuana does to the human mind because I started smoking weed when I was 15 years old. It literally robbed me of my motivation to participate in my own life. I was absolutely OK with sitting around all day eating cookies and watching television and getting high with my friends. But, to go out and earn a living and do something with my life? That was all stuff that I was going to do later after I came down off of the marijuana. But, then I'd smoke some more and think, "Why bother?" . . . and, eventually, I started shooting heroin."

Howard C. Samuels couldn't have killed his argument better if he had smoked a joint while writing this. Howard, your personal experiences are irrelevant. Giving your anecdotes as evidence to prove your clumsily crafted point is like me saying "Hey, I drank a beer once and it made me throw up my spleen! ILLEGALIZE IT, CAP'N!" Anything you say after "I..." when trying to prove the effects of a substance is irrelevant.

Furthermore, your addiction to heroin is a very tell-tale sign. Seeing as the good majority of marijuana users do not go on to use heroin, it's safe to assume that you may have just had a lazy, addictive personality. Rather than blame the drugs for robbing you of your livelihood, perhaps it was just your shitty decisions that did that!

"Even if you only stay with marijuana in your repertoire of illicit drugs to abuse, it will never yield positive results. Ever."

It was around this time that I started thinking this article had to be a satire. No one could possibly be this incomprehensibly stupid and ignorant. Not a single human on this planet could possess the lack of brainpower that is being demonstrated here. This has to be some divine joke that I will get to the end of and laugh about. It's not. Howard C. Samuels is a fucking insane moron.

"And, I posit this to marijuana abusers everywhere: Are you really that weak? Are you really that uncomfortable in your own skin that you can't handle living your life or having real experiences without being high? Is it really impossible for you to live life without a drug? Because, if it is, it breaks my heart and I feel sorry for you. Because that's no way to live."

Howard C. Samuels is the amalgamation of a broken copy machine and a senior citizen's cell phone going off. His words could only make less sense if they were coming out of a pig's toenail in the voice of Jimmy Hoffa. When Howard C. Samuels opens his mouth to speak, yellow jackets fly out and attack anyone within earshot.

"And, to the potheads who are so passionate about being allowed to smoke their lives away, I have only one thing to say: Dream On."

 A fitting ending to a weak, unsupported, logically fallacious argument comprised of personal anecdotes, idiotic statements, and more diarrhea than a truck stop bathroom. So, at the end of his rambling essay, one wonders why someone like Howard C. Samuels has been allowed to write for "The Most Trusted Name In News." Well, to understand that, we have to learn about who Howard is. The answers won't surprise you, but they will explain his utter idiocy.

Howard is a former addict who turned his life around after his father's death in 1984. His father, it should be noted, was a former member of Lyndon Johnson's cabinet. After years of addiction to heroin, alcohol, and other drugs, he finally went into rehab and got himself straight. Afterwards, he went on to study at NYU for film, but after an epiphany (Read: failure) he realized his true calling was alcohol treatment and recovery. Long story short, he got his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and opened up a clinic. How do I know all this? Because I read in on his "About" page from his website. A website for his practice: The Hills Treatment Center in Malibu. A website mentioned in his article on CNN. A website that would be seen by various gullible and easily swayed people who may be suffering addiction this very second. Howard C. Samuels, you unscrupulous bastard.

Thank you for reading! I had a great time writing this article and I hope you have a great time reading it! Please share with your friends and like my page, Facebook posts, etc. Let's spread the word of Howard C. Samuels together and take the bastard and his stupid fucking opinions down. You can contact him here.

Everyone Is An Asshole

CollegeHumor is usually known for jokes that may garner a slight chuckle or two, but when it comes to Internet funnies, they often fall short in the face of comedic giants like Cracked. Fortunately, they occasionally produce an absolute gem. The following video is one of those gems. Enjoy! 

Do You Own An iPhone? You Might Be Funding Terrorism

Sensationalistic titles for shameless self-promotion. But I got your attention didn't I? And I'm not completely embellishing the truth. Bloomberg just published a story about illegal tungsten operations in Colombia and it's not looking good for companies like Apple, BWM and Samsung (to name just a few). Read the full article here.

The Morning WTF: Sharks On A Train

Good morning and welcome, friends, family, and foreigners. This is The Morning WTF, the show that leaves you happy and satisfied, unlike those OTHER blogs. So lean back, don't make eye contact, and enjoy today's dose of wit. But first, as always, your lovely lady of the day:

You may have Heard of her. 

Whoa: Not Weird, But Holy Shit

Today's first topic is brought to you by the letter "W" but instead of being weird, it's just plain awesome.

Skydiving is like giving mother nature the finger. Deliberately going as far in the air as possible and then just jumping out is telling the world that you want to see how close you can come to dying today. There are plenty of things that could go wrong and result in your body painting the surface of the earth like a goddamn mural. But, for some people, merely jumping out of a plane isn't enough to satisfy their self-loathing. Sometimes you have to lock yourself in a fucking box and get thrown out of a plane. 

Anthony Martin, an escape artist, decided that his life was way too mundane to just spend getting out of boxes the normal way. He needed to do it while careening through the sky and at an incredible speed. If you had thrown some snakes in that box, you'd have all three of my phobias in one! But one wonders who insulted Anthony's normal game and forced him to take his act to the sky. Maybe it was his mom, calling to tell him that she just saw a man on TV who was a lot more impressive. Maybe his buddies told him that just because he had learned to get out of the locker didn't mean he wasn't a pussy. Maybe he has a small penis. The world may never know, but he certainly dazzled us today and lived to escape another day. 

Topical: No shit.....Oh shit! 

At first glance, today's report from NPR seems like a no-brainer. "NSA Is Searching 'Vast Amounts' Of Americans' Emails." No shit, Sherlock. That's sort of been a talking point for the past month. Maybe you missed it?  But upon further investigation, the article reveals some startling and disturbing details. 

Charlie Savage, a reporter for The New York Times wrote a piece today concerning the NSA and what, exactly, it's been up to. As we have been salivating over new information about Edward Snowden, we have irresponsibly overlooked the valuable information that he dragged out into the light. The NYT puts that information under a microscope and confirms my suspicion that I don't even have to mention a buzz word to get tagged for surveillance. Merely speaking with someone that's in a foreign country can spark the NSA's interest in your private emails. But we knew this already. The real kicker is that the NSA "is also casting a far wider net for people who cite information linked to those foreigners, like a little used e-mail address." How vague and ambiguous.

I won't read the entire article to you, but you get the gist of it. The NSA is becoming less and less choosy about whose privacy they violate and that's a fucking problem. It may not seem like much now. I mean, no one I know has been carted off my mysterious men in black vans, but if this is the way the NSA is going, even in the face of public acknowledgement, the future doesn't look good for our personal privacy. Perhaps most disturbing is that most people brush off this information with a shrug and go about their days without actually thinking about what this means. Without critical thought by an informed electorate, this sort of shit will keep happening. So, please, I implore you to read about this and inform yourself. You don't have to freak out and start building a bomb shelter, but for the love of god, be aware.

Funny: Sharks In The City 

According to the Internet it's Shark Week but I wouldn't know because I don't have cable. Yes, that makes me better than you. But for all the hype over sharks this week, no one was expecting the creatures to turn up in a New York City subway. Thankfully for us, one did. A dead shark, just lying around on the ground like a goddamn homeless person, was found on a subway in Queens and nobody knows why. If this is some kind of fucked up publicity stunt by the Discovery Channel, I approve. 

Many people took pictures of the little guy and shortly after he was found, he was reported to transit officials who unceremoniously threw him in the trash. Yes, you heard that correctly. They threw him in the trash. Because New York City. But before he was dumped, something glorious happened. One hilarious individual saw this moment and knew that there was only one thing he could do. 

Reenact Weekend at Bernie's with a fucking shark.

If this is wrong, I don't want to be right. I want there to be a dead shark on every subway ride if this is the kind of comedy gold that will get mass communicated. This shark may not be the king of the sea anymore, but he sure as hell was the king of New York City for a day. Like Sinatra, his little town blues melted away and he swam his way into our hearts and smoked himself to his death. Three cheers for this fuckin' shark.

Thanks for reading, everybody! I finally finished an article before noon! I have noticed an increased amount of sharing and liking, and for that I am thankful! Keep on sharing, liking and commenting and make sure you tell your friends and family that The Daily Wit is the shit.